And then there were 6

Eight retrieved. Six fertilized and going strong. Will hear another report tomorrow but Doc thinks we should be prepared to have three make it to the end. The plan is still to transfer on day 5 but if things start to go downhill, we’ll be in to transfer on Monday.

Just got the call so need a few minutes to mourn the 2 we say goodbye to today and then on to crossing fingers for the six that are growing away in their little test tubes, fighting for a chance to be full fledged little people.

Hang in there little buddies. I’ll see you soon.

Have you sent your rsvp?

Don’t forget – tomorrow is the No-Baby shower! What’s that, you ask?

Look here, have a read and I hope you’ll join me…

I’ll report back on fertilization once I get the call.

Gotta go hunt down a cupcake for tomorrow. Will report back…

Better Be Home Soon

Done. Retrieved 8 darling little eggies currently being isci’d in the lab. It’s like a pre-arranged marriage. Normally it’s sperm meets egg, sperm loses egg, another sperm comes along. loses egg then the next sperm – whooo-eee. Cue “the way to make me feel”. Or “Fever” or “Close to you”. This one’s it – the sperm of sperm and he just dives right in – egg and sperm fertilize and Ka-Paw…everything changes.

In this case it’s more like unsuspecting egg is sitting at the bottom of a slide. ( not really knowing it’s a slide). And along comes this apha male – best swimmer, most agile, makes all the other sperm jealous and the other eggs swoon sperm – whoosh- right down the slide – into our egg and Ka-Paw…everything changes. Sure, they didn’t get to have the whole “What’s your sign, come here often” discussion. But arranged marriages have been working for thousands of years around the world. Right?

And if it takes my egg as long to find a sperm as it took DH and I to find each other, we could be at this a long long time.

Tonight I am recovering from my own (not terrible) physical discomfort of the retrieval. But what’s more embarrassing, is the emotional discomfort of having my little team tucked away where I can’t have any role in the outcome. Where the heat could be to low – I’m cold all the time- or where the lights could be too bright or too dim.

What if the tech watching them doesn’t know that whenever the person who carried them around got a little nervous about this process she played Graceland – and maybe a little Paul Simon in there would make them want to grow bigger and stronger.

I just want my little fellers back home where they belong. I am surprise by the overwhelming feeling of love and need to protect them I feel – when they are so small, I would even be able to see them.

Oh – and I got an awesome honest scrap award – and my first ‘honest’ utterance is I don’t know how to get it into my post. Help?

I hope you dance

First, my apologies for the lack of iclw comments today. I’m kind of freaking out about the retrieval but I’ll do double duty tomorrow. I also got an award today that I haven’t posted up here,  given proper thanks for or done the work what comes with – again apologies. I’ll do a great job of that tomorrow too. Along with a full ER report.

Tonight – I just want to write a quick note to the follicles that hold the eggs that tomorrow will meet their loving fathers’ contribution and hopefully fertilise, begin to grow, hang in there long enough to come back to us, tuck in for the long haul and eventually become a smiling, clapping, dancing part of our family.

That’s a lot to ask of a tiny little follice. It’s a big, big ask. And I’m not sure if you’re actually holding any eggs. And if you are, I don’t know if all the rest of that long list is even possible.

But if it is. If there’s a chance you’re holding a little ray of hope in there – do me a favour… Give it all you’ve got. I know it’s going to be quite a ride. There will be all sorts of things standing in your way. It’ll be scary too, just a microscopic little tigg like you out there in the world all alone.

But don’t let that get to you. You’ve got a little job to do and if you do it well – there’ll be all kinds of way more fun adventures in your future. There’ll be snowflakes and star fish, and ice cream and balloons full of stuff you can’t see, but when your Dad breathes it in, he talks funny. So many things I can’t even list them off.

So when you’re faced with the choice tomorrow to give up a little eggie or hold tight – give it up.

And little eggie – when you meet a fellow and you’re not quite sure about him – give him a chance, you could be great together.

We could all be great together. I’m sure I’ll ask you to do a zillion things – but this one, this first one…it counts the most. Just get us started. Fight your way  against the odds. Take the chance to be something extraordinary.  And if you get the choice to sit it out or dance  -Dance!

Go for Launch

We triggered! Despite threats of cancellation at every turn, we’ve made it past the first of many checkpoints.

I have to say that focusing on one challenge at a time has seriously helped me not turn into a major basketcase. It’s minor basketcase every day around here but have so far not suffered any serious breakdowns – (ok except for sunday’s mid-range melt down) – (oh, and  the day I sat on the kitchen floor and cried with all three injection sites bleeding profusely and me choking out that I was giving up). Other than those isolated incidents we’ve made it to this point relatively intact.

We have 11 beautiful follicles (named at various times…wiggle, piggle, giggle, jiggle and tig. hope, joy, faith and grace. diabollicle and folly- wollicle)  and – likely to produce about 8 mature eggs. Not too many. Not too few. Just right. And I know there may not be any eggs in there at all. And I know that just because we have eggs doesn’t mean they’ll fertilize. And they may not make it to blast and even if they do, they may not implant. And then there’s all the worry if they do – 9 months is a long time during which countless things can go wrong…

There are still a hundred hurdles between here and our end goal. But I’m pretty proud of husband and I for making it this far. This process is not for the faint of heart. I’m proud of all of you people too. There are so many courageous stories from people who’ve suffered disappointment after disappointment, and devastating loss and still dig deep inside to go through this gruelling process to make their dreams come true.

For everyone who’s in the trenches with me right now, I sure hope this is the month. I wish there was a tree or a fountain or something – a place where you could write your name so everyone passing by could take a moment give a little shout out to the universe to pay extra attention – just a smidge – because I believe a world filled with the people we’re all working so hard to create will be a better place with them in it. With so much love and care involved in their conception (from the parents to the clinics/techs/ docs/nurses/supportive friends/relatives/internets) how can it not be?

I heart my follies

Just a quick post tonight. I started the day with another talk with the doc. He arrived halfway through my ultrasound to talk to me about how it’s going.

We now have 12 follies on the radar though some will be over mature by the big day. RE was concerned that without a big jump in E2 we’d be cancelled. He said he thinks I’m capable of a perfect cycle and why would be go through with an imperfect one, when there’s a perfect one just around the corner.

I thought – “you say that to all the girls”.

Anyway, when the numbers came in, my E2 had jumped from 3000 to 5000 so no need to worry.

And then, as a sliver of hope shone in like a blade of light through a crack in the curtains, I bought myself some new socks for the ER and ET. Both pairs are covered in hearts.

Now I know that follies and blasts can’t see my feet, but I had this overpowering need to let them know just how much I love them, right from the start. Heck, before the start.

I think I can, I think I can.

Seems it’s the little estrogen count that could. Thank you so much for all the well wishes and support. I think your warm thoughts have bumped up my counts just enough to keep us hanging in there.

There aren’t very many days left so with every passing green light there’s one day less things can go wrong. If I’m not careful hope might come crawling back to hang around through the 2ww wait with me.

Up, down. Up, down.

For those of us paying attention we’re up to 10 follies measuring above 1.0 and there are 4 more waiting in the wings. The biggest one is 1.7  (so we might lose it while we wait for the others).  After a whopping 9 days of stims Estrogen count is 3000. Seems the follies are outgrowing the estrogen so we’re on the edge of our seats to know if tomorrow will show a big jump in the Estrogen and a small jump in the follicle growth – at least for the big one, the small ones can grow to their hearts content.

Trigger could be tomorrow, Wednesday, even Thursday. We’re one day at a time around here. Though I suppose everyone doing IVF is just as excited to get to the ER date just to be past this part of the rollercoaster.

In other news, it’s our one year wedding anniversary today. Been a hell of a year with appointments, disappointments. Heck, at one point I referred to it as “our period”. For better or worse right? What’s mine is yours.

I wonder sometimes if DH took on a little more than he bargained for. He insists he’s never been happier – but I’m pretty sure that once or twice in the last couple of weeks  he’s looked at Lupron-Lady and wondered where the girl he married went.

Wrote an email to my pregnant friend today but haven’t heard back. So, um, if you’re reading pregnant friend…I am genuinely happy for you and G. No, really I am. I’m just a little unhappy for me. But that’ll blow over. So write me back.

Cue the Music

And another one bites the dust…

So you know that call? The call that on one hand makes you really happy and makes you want to throw up on the other?

Got two in a row today.

First, clinic called with results of today’s blood work. Recognized the number but the voice was not the nice weekend nurse lady. Oh no – male voice. The doc himself. Follies = 8 above 1.0. Estrogen= molasses. Apparently. So happy for eggs and want to throw up over possiblity of canceling the cycle.

Hang up the phone. Ring Ring. Hi friend who’s been trying to get pregant! Hey – third times the charm right? Congrats! Yay with the happy hand while throw up hand is wiping the stupid grin off my face.

Oh yes. We have good days and bad days. And some days we have both. All at once. Over and over again.

I’ve been thinking about this all day long. And I’m not sure if we get canceled that I’m prepared to do this again. On the happy hand it’s a small price to pay to get from A to Baby. On the vomit hand, it’s like going to a party being kicked in the gut and the ass and the big fat lip while every one around you is handed the only thing you want on a silver bumbo. And then you leave the party bloody and empty handed.

Just don’t know how much kicking I can take.

From 3 to 7

Just a quick update – follies of interest have gone from 3 to 7. Estrogen jumped from 659 to 1596. Bloodwork and ultrasound have gone from every second day to every day.

And I survived a birthday party with 47 kids 5 and under gracefully. Without booze.

More later.

It’s a No-Baby Shower and you’re invited!

Hey Guys – I think I’m on to something with this no-baby thing. Three people today felt I was acting strangely – hormonal and odd, and every one asked if I was pregnant. “Actually I’m not-pregnant” I answered with a little smirk (which I’m sure just made me seem weirder).

Anyhoo, if I were pregnant, somebody would be thinking about my eventual baby shower. Not coming any time soon.

But, in my headachey-constant nausea hormone induced state I thought we should plan a no-baby shower. Weird – probably. Insane – quite possibly. Going to make me feel better? Definitely.

How do we do it? Hmmm. Not quite sure. But as this is I-Com-Lea-We…I figure making the plan shouldn’t be too hard with all the reading and commenting going on.

This is what I think. We all go out and buy ourselves a no-baby present. Something small like a lottery ticket or a new lipstick. Or something bigger. Something we’ve been putting off because “you never know…” – a new pair of jeans, sexy panties, heck a new video game – whatever. Then we go and get our favourite food – I’m going to get a cupcake or two – my favourite celebration food. Next, a favourite song – an anthem that keeps you going, the song that was playing when you first met your partner – hell, the song you picture singing to a little someone you haven’t met yet when they can’t sleep. Finally – we can pick what we’re having to drink (or would be having if we weren’t in the middle of a cycle).

So we’ve got a no-baby shower gift, food, drinks, music. What else do we need? We need guests! And that part’s easy. We’re all right here!

So I’ll send out the first invitation…

WHY SHOULD THE FERTILES HAVE ALL THE FUN???

I really hope you’ll join me next Sunday, March 1st for my first No-Baby Shower.

There. Cool. It’s on. Leave a comment if you’re throwing a no-baby shower too. Get everything ready then on March 1 post about what you got, what you ate, what you listened to and everyone who drops by can say a quick hello to let you know they enjoyed your party.