Crunchy, spendy, fluffy, leche-y, judgy mom…

um, yeah. Sounds horrible doesn’t it? Well…sometimes looking in the mirror hurts.

Yup. I’ve come to realize I’m the Mom other mom’s hate. Do I look for green products and get out in the fresh air everyday? Eat organic and deny myself all sorts of things because I’m eating for 2? You bet! Is that the most expensive xxx? Only the best for my baby…Cloth dipes? Whenever possible! Bottle-fed? Nope, he refused and I’m going along with it because really…breast is best! Oh and you’re feeding your baby what? Is that a good idea?

I’m surprised the other Mommies haven’t ditched me completely. I’m kind of an asshole. But really, after suffering through IVF (and I was fortunate enough to only go through it once…I can only imagine what many cycles would have turned me into) I believe that whatever is best for the baby is best for me. Because I have a baby and dammit – I am not going to do one little thing to him that might in any way now or in future cause him harm.

In short – I am creating a monster every minute of every day.

Well, 2 monsters – him and me – and I can’t seem to stop myself. I hear all these things coming out of my mouth and I want to throttle me.

I have even said – “I had to ask my doctor if I’ve lost my baby weight too fast…” to other Mom’s in a discussion about normal jeans. What’s worse? Then going on to say I had to buy smaller jeans than my ‘normal’ jeans because I’m just too thin.

Yeah. I’m surprised I didn’t get a pie in the face.

The thing is, I was genuinely worried. Just like I am about the food and the nursing and the dioxins in the diapers and the quality of the plastic of his toys and the right amount for me to eat and the right amount for him to eat. I sound like a big ole b-iatch but I’m just so damned anxious all the time that something’s gonna go wrong and poof – he’ll be gone – just a beautiful dream I had about a beautiful boy – a dream in which I was happy.

So if you’re reading this – you mommies I hang around with – all the judging it seems like I’m doing – it’s not of you. It’s of me. Because I think there’s a little part of me that believes if I had somehow been better in my life long before I wanted to be pregnant I would have gotten there more easily. And there wouldn’t have been all the waiting and the hoping and the hurting. It would have just happened. So now that it has happened I will never let myself feel that ‘I only I’d’ ever again.

See, I’m the mom you hate. But I hate you more. Figuratively. Not literally. Because you didn’t have to worry about anything then. And you don’t now. Heck, you’re already talking about the next one.

The Whole Tooth + grovel

I am acutely aware of the passage of time. As I said a couple of posts ago – it’s hard to see the changes coming so fast and furious.

Upon further reflection I realized that it likely has something to do with waiting so long for a baby.

I mean really. We tried for a baby for more than two years. Then were pregnant for nine months. And now that he’s here, his babydom is zooming by. By all counts, I want as much baby as I had wait. I want 2 years and 9 months of baby at least.

But it’s just not like that is it? And now that bedtime is 7 pm, each day is short. The sun goes down on his day long before mine. Tick tock.

He’s 5 months tomorrow. He’ll be 5 months, more than twice as heavy, 1 and 1/3 as long and have 2 teeth. He has both giggles and belly laughs. And he’s ticklish – can you believe that? Oh – and as of today – he thinks peek-a-boo is funny.

If he’d arrived 5 months after we’d started trying that might seem right on track. But given the circumstances he should TAKE HIS TIME. At this rate he’ll be a teenager in like 13 years.

Granted the two teeth are just little ridges of pearly white poked clean through the gum. But I’m willing to bet I’ll see the whole tooth before the week is out.

ON ANOTHER NOTE: My Bestest Friends are in first place for an international competition to be globe-hopping honeymoon testers. The Ultimate Job in Ireland. (I know-parenthood is the ultimate job for us IF’ers so think of it as the second best job in the world…anyway…). THEY NEED VOTES TO BE GUARANTEED A SPOT IN THE TOP 10. Please take a minute to click though and vote (no registration required) And, if you can, spread the word. She supported me though every step of achieving my dream of having The Bub. Grovelling for your votes for her is the least I can do.

Crazy prediction

Back in October I saved this as a draft then promptly forgot about it.

Found it this am… it was pretty close to perfectly on. Anyone reading currently expecting? Check out the link.  I’ll write a real post soon.

The day you deliver, outside will be bright. Your baby will arrive in the early evening. After a labor lasting approximately 8 hours, your child, a boy, will be born. Your baby will weigh about 7 pounds, 3 ounces, and will be 19,19-1/2 inches long. This child will have medium gray eyes and a little patch of blonde hair.

http://pregnancyandbaby.sheknows.com/pregnancy/baby/Madame-Zaritska-predicts-your-birth-experience-5.php

I know, I know…

I have a cute baby boy who does cute baby things, blah, blah, blah.

My last post was kind of lame. But I need to make a record of what’s happening. You hear it said all the time and it’s so true. Time flies by. And I’m tired. And I’m busy (doing what, I’m not certain). And next week my little guy is 5 months old and I haven’t kept track of these moments, trying instead to stare at him so intently this time will be etched on my memory forever.

But it’s not going to be – I know because I’m already losing track of things we did – things he used to love and has now moved past – like the lights hanging over our kitchen island. He favourite place. His favourite things. Then – the only thing that would calm a fussy, gassy, sleepy and so on Baby Bubble for 2.5 months. Now they get just a glance before his gaze moves on.

I’m so in love with him but at the same time, every moment my heart is breaking. He’ll never be this baby that’s sleeping right now ever again. Each time he wakes up now there’s something new. Something different. And it’s wonderful and delightful and awe inspiring. But it means saying goodbye to something every day.

He used to be soothed to sleep by his dad walking him up and down the hallway. Then, one night – cry, cry, cry. We put him in his crib to figure out what was up and in the time it took us to run through the options he’d soothed himself to sleep. His dad, and the walking were keeping him awake. And then it was over – that precious time watching him resting his head on his father’s shoulder, eyelids bobbing up and down in ‘big blinks’.

I’m not a big fan of change. I’m a pack rat. I cling. To people I’ve lost. To things I have loved. And one of the hardest things about Bubble is falling in love with something new, losing something I’ve come to love about him every single day. And coming to terms with learning that’s part of being a parent. I can’t keep him the tiny little bundle I fell so hard for. I need to accept that was just one little bit of life with Bubble.

I know, I know. They grow up so fast. I just wasn’t ready for how fast. I wasn’t ready for all this change. Not in a ‘oh your life is going to change so much when you have kids’ way…I think I was ready for that. No, in a ‘the person you love is going to change every minute of every day so hang on “don’t like change girl” cause your heart is in for a hell of a ride’ way.

Roll Over, Roll Over

I realize that I haven’t done a great job of keeping up to date with what the Bub is up to. And in doing so, have left everyone who reads in the dark, AND not kept a record for myself. Lazy. Lazy.

So to get the ball, and the baby rolling…despite rolling over from front to back quite consistently early on, it’s been quite some time since Bubble has done it. On Friday April 2, Bubble rolled front to back for the first time when Daddy was looking and rolled back to front without assistance. A first we were both there to witness.

Other fun things he does? During tummy time he’ll turn the pages of his Fishy Tails book (highly recommended read for little ones) so he can munch on the different tails.

When is Dad is carrying him away from me he looks over his Dad’s shoulder and raises his hand in a way that looks like he’s waving goodbye.

He smiles when I enter the room. He belly laughs when he gets kisses on the feet, cheeks or raspberries on his belly.

He grabs his feet quite consistently now and has for about 2 weeks. Yesterday he was trying to pull his sock off – but his Babylegs were holding it on. He worked at that sock on and off for about 45 min!

When you read him a book he ‘talks’ to the pictures.

He has a favourite blanket with dots and he tries to pick the dots off and eat them. Then he jams the blanket in his mouth. He’s come to love this blanket so much I bought spares (easy since he’s fallen head over heels for a 12$ blanket from a local grocery store…) and cut one into washcloth size pieces so he can hold one while he’s falling asleep. (We snatch it out of his crib once he’s alseep).

He really gets around for someone who can’t get around. He can skooch north by using his feet and lifting up his bum. He can turn 360 degrees by rolling to the side and using his feet to move him like a windmill. And somehow, when he’s sleeping he can get east and west. North and south. And is often turned 180 degrees. I think once he masters crawling he’ll be off like a shot.

It’s been surprisingly fun to hang out with him all day. Some days seem to last FOREVER – when he’s fussy – but getting out of the house now that the weather is nice has made a huge difference on those days. He has a more regular nap schedule – though the afternoon nap is much more hit and miss. On good nights he’s in bed at 7, dream feeds at 10:30 ish, wakes up between 2:45 and 3:45 to eat and is up for good between 6:30-7:30. Of course there are bad nights – up at 8:30, 10:30, 1, 3:30, 5:30 and up for good at 7:30. Strangely, the bad nights are almost always the same so I’m trying to figure out is there’s a pattern to the days that precede bad nights.

I’m not sure when the night feed will be phased out, or what the introduction of solids at 6 mos will do to the schedule…I can’t believe we’re almost at his 5 month birthday. I know Canadians are lucky to have 12 month mat leave but it’s already killing me to think about going back to work and missing what he’s up to during the day.

Gosh darn it – I just love him to bits.

Take  a look…