Tag Archives: Olive

12 weeks day after tomorrow

…or it would have been.
12 weeks.
I feel like I have less right than others to feel this heart break. I mean, I have one right? And every one keeps telling me that. Is that the case? Or does it just mean that I know the real value of what I lost.
That I know that I lost.
Lost.
I know I lost the feeling of sharing the news. And sharing myself with someone else and feeling them grow and change and become some one. A person. My person.
Tomorrow was supposed to be the last day of notverywellconcealed secrets. Now it will be just another day that takes me further from. Further and further from.
Sigh. Another mark in the time line of my life. The days before. The days after.
Instead of 12 weeks day after tomorrow, I have two weeks since the first day after. And the count of all the days after began.

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never never

I’m having a hard time. I’ll admit it. I’m alright when I’m safe at home where Baby Olive was a real thing that happened to everyone who lives in the house. But outside my own little world it hits home to me that Olive will never be part of the world at large. Never go to the grocery store. Never go to my office. Outside of my walls it’s like Olive wasn’t. The baby didn’t exist to anyone out there. There are no remnants or reminders. No spit up stains. No lingering objects or lasting memories. No one can say “Oh that baby, I think I caught a glimpse of that baby.” There were no glimpses. Not one. The world will never, never remember Olive. And it’s breaking my heart to know that I can’t expect it to.

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You slipped through our hands

Dear Olive,

Every time I hear the bridge of the song Sandcastles by Justin Roberts I tear up thinking of you. Which, considering it’s the only song your brother wants to have sung to him at bedtime, is often.

“We didn’t want you to go.
We just thought you should know.
She slipped through our hands,
just like a balloon
returns to the sky.
So Dad and I
knew you’d be
somewhere out in the sea,
in a million sandcastles to be.”

We had big plans, Olive. Big big plans. And they all got washed away. I only want to be the places we never went together. And I only want to be the places we’ve been. I want to keep you here with me forever. And I want to let you go too. It’s been a hard, hard week Olive. I miss you.

Love Mommy

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