We met with the OB today and I actually quite like him. Seemed to be unfazed by my neurosis. He’s sending me to a specialist to check up on my ticker…(heart arrhythmia? no idea how to spell that.) It’s an old problem that seems to be a little more prominent since the Bubble. There was no wand today but I was very comfortable with him and think he would not be heavy handed should he ever wield the wand.
In terms of being able to get us from now across the universe to holding a baby Bubble, he came across as the guy who’d listen to all your concerns, acknowledge your fears, and put you in the best hands if he felt the situation was beyond his expertise. All in all, I liked him – and I was expecting to not like him.
Two milestones in two days. Heartbeat and OB. Still working on the new masthead. I’ve come to realize that even if this becomes a pregnancy after IVF blog then we lose Bubble, it will never be what it was again. So I’m getting ready to make a shift. Not quite yet. But soon.
I think it’s official. I suffer from morning sickness. I’ve been feeling queasy at various times – usually between 1 and 6 in the afternoon.
Today I woke up and did a little work before really getting moving. By the time I was in the shower I felt dreadful. Crawled downstairs to nibble on animal crackers and lay down on the couch until I had to leave for my meeting.
Brought snacks for the car ride and got through the meeting – looking a little green – then back to the office.
It’s not full on throwing up. And there was only one cough/heave combo today. But all in all I feel like Crap! I’ve heard feeling sick is a good sign. And I know that after all we’ve been through, what’s a little upset stomach? Right?
But I tell you – Bubble had better have a stellar heartbeat on Thurs…
Of course – there are other times when I’m feeling particularily poopy and I bump my sore bosom kind of on purpose and think to myself “I may be feeling horrible but we’re doing just fine.”
And then I suck it up and get on with my day.
According to my pregnancy books, Bubble’s heart is supposed to start beating today. We have no way of knowing until next Thursday if this particular miracle actually happened – but I am choosing to believe it did.
That Little Bubble’s heart has started beating in double time with mine. We’re six weeks in now and it seems just as precarious today as the first day we saw the other line.
I went to see my family doc for an OB referral. I asked him for someone who’s good with the nervous. He asked me when I thought my nerves would subside. I told him maybe in about 9 months or so. It remains to be seen if the Baby Doc is as understanding as my Doc lead me to believe.
We’ll find out next friday.
I imagine with every beat of that teeny tiny heart, my heart grows just a little more. I hope we get the chance to find out if the Bubble has enough room in there eight months from now, with my swollen heart taking up so much space.
Just wanted to post a quick update. Today’s ultrasound was a-ok. There’s one healthy uterine pregnancy in there. Bubble is measuring perfectly. There doesn’t seem to be any distress caused by the cramping. We we told to be on the lookout for sudden severe pain as Other Bubble may have implanted in the left tube – but the chances are very highly unlikely.
We’re back in on the 2nd for a better look and hopefully a heartbeat. It was too soon to see one today.
Bubble Baby is still in there – growing away, boosting beta and disturbing my digestion. I know it’s in there – though there’s no ultrasound proof – and I love it very much.
Perhaps an irrational amount because I am plagued with fear of blowing this. I am worried about tying my shoes, bouncing on the streetcar, starving Bubble by not eating enough, squishing Bubble by eating too much. I’m turning into a whole different kind of crazy person.
I’m not sure if this fear will subside. Once we see the ultrasound or hear the heartbeat or creep out of the first trimester will I feel like I can let my guard down and just be excited about it?
I have wanted this and worked for this and sacrificed for this…and it just feels so precarious. So fleeting.
And then I fear that it will abruptly come to an end and I won’t have properly soaked in the majesty of it all. Bubble feels at arms length. Like a Bubble in a bubble. Or a snowglobe. I can get the sense of it. I get glimpses of the future. But I can’t quite let it in – there’s a barrier – there’s a crippling fear – standing guard.
I want the wonder of these moments, these miraculous moments to dispearse every particle of afraid. So I can burst through the wall, skip through the puddles, smile at the sun and feel the warm radiant joy that comes with Bubbles.