Tag Archives: ivf

The new normal

Yesterday we met with the genetics clinic at our local children’s hospital. Seems wee Obi does indeed raise some flags for a genetic issue.

We’re wading into unknown territory here. At least for us. We’ve already done the blood draw for the micro array. They’ve also submitted for a more specific test. Their first suspicion is Russell-Silver Syndrome or some abnormality in the same family.

They also felt there might be a vision problem, which might be partially responsible for her delays.

When we got home from the appointment I did some digging online – I can’t really call it research as I didn’t take 10th grade biology let alone genetics and was completely overwhelmed by the science of it all. I did see that there are some references to people studying a connection between RSS and IVF specifically with ICSI. And another study showed a high incidence of eye trouble in babies with RSS – even though that’s the one thing the genetics Dr said was inconsistent with RSS.

All in all, it’s wait and see for now. They said to expect 3 months for results and even longer for referrals to ophthalmology and MRI. I fear hoping “it’s nothing” is no longer realistic.

But in terms of bad news, RSS isn’t the worst.
This certainly comes with a whole bundle of mixed up feelings, but whatever is revealed can’t be changed.

The life I imagined for Obi may not come to be just as I pictured, but that picture was never real.

This is her real path. It seems like it won’t be typical. But it will be our normal. And we’ll just have to figure out how to make it great.

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First Beta Today

So the number is in – 137 11dp3dt. That is right in the average for a healthy singleton pregnancy. Let’s hope it stays that way! Second beta to test doubling time is on Friday. Man oh man, this is surreal. I thought this beta would bring closure to this long journey. One last negative them moving on. Now I have an indeterminate number of days to worry.
I hope I can let a little excitement sneak in soon. Maybe around 6 weeks from now…

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It’s not over yet…

I have an overwhelming sense of sadness with every step in this cycle knowing that once it’s done, it’s done. Bottom of the ninth, down by 2. Two out. Bases empty. The other team has last at bat. Pack up the clothes. List gear on crai$#ist. Clear away all the little baby things.

But today is not that day. We’re not out of the game yet. We retrieved 3 eggs today. Three. The RE gave us some positive examples. He’s not ready to call it a day. But he also said, when he came to check on me and found me sitting silently with tears streaming down my face, that we don’t know what we don’t know. It’s one day at a time. We just have to wait and see. And it only takes one.

It only takes one and we have three. Which is my favourite number. My hockey number. My lucky number. And 2 more than 1.
So it’s not over yet.

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never never

I’m having a hard time. I’ll admit it. I’m alright when I’m safe at home where Baby Olive was a real thing that happened to everyone who lives in the house. But outside my own little world it hits home to me that Olive will never be part of the world at large. Never go to the grocery store. Never go to my office. Outside of my walls it’s like Olive wasn’t. The baby didn’t exist to anyone out there. There are no remnants or reminders. No spit up stains. No lingering objects or lasting memories. No one can say “Oh that baby, I think I caught a glimpse of that baby.” There were no glimpses. Not one. The world will never, never remember Olive. And it’s breaking my heart to know that I can’t expect it to.

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OB, wand, kenobi

We met with the OB today and I actually quite like him. Seemed to be unfazed by my neurosis. He’s sending me to a specialist to check up on my ticker…(heart arrhythmia? no idea how to spell that.) It’s an old problem that seems to be a little more prominent since the Bubble. There was no wand today but I was very comfortable with him and think he would not be heavy handed should he ever wield the wand.

In terms of being able to get us from now across the universe to holding a baby Bubble, he came across as the guy who’d listen to all your concerns, acknowledge your fears, and put you in the best hands if he felt the situation was beyond his expertise. All in all, I liked him – and I was expecting to not like him.

Two milestones in two days. Heartbeat and OB. Still working on the new masthead. I’ve come to realize that even if this becomes a pregnancy after IVF blog then we lose Bubble, it will never be what it was again. So I’m getting ready to make a shift. Not quite yet. But soon.

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One more sleep

Ultrasound is tomorrow. Kind of a day of reckoning. Is Bubble still going strong or did he not make it to the point where his heart started beating.

I’ve been feeling terrible so my gut says yes. All is well in there. But who knows? Could be the progesterone or the estrogen making me sick.

Could be that he’s hanging in there and bumping my hormones but not doing what he needs to do to make it in the long haul.

I’ve been wondering when I’ll start to think of this as a pregnancy blog and not a TTC blog. I know that I’m pregnant. And no longer TTC – but it still doesn’t seem far enough along for me to make the mental leap. Which I am willing to bet is even more annoying to those who are reading who are still where I was during this IVF cycle. Old me – if I were reading this would be thinking – You have what we all want, what you’ve been wanting. Why the hell aren’t you jumping for joy. Celebrate dammit. You’re further than ever before and you’re moping around like you were before any of this happened.

So tomorrow – if all is as it should be – I will celebrate. Maybe not jump for joy because my heaving bosom is enormous…but embrace it more fully.

Maybe even change the picture up there.

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So that’s why it’s called Morning Sickness

I think it’s official. I suffer from morning sickness. I’ve been feeling queasy at various times – usually between 1 and 6 in the afternoon.

Today I woke up and did a little work before really getting moving. By the time I was in the shower I felt dreadful. Crawled downstairs to nibble on animal crackers and lay down on the couch until I had to leave for my meeting.

Brought snacks for the car ride and got through the meeting – looking a little green – then back to the office.

It’s not full on throwing up. And there was only one cough/heave combo today. But all in all I feel like Crap! I’ve heard feeling sick is a good sign. And I know that after all we’ve been through, what’s a little upset stomach? Right?

But I tell you – Bubble had better have a stellar heartbeat on Thurs…

Of course – there are other times when I’m feeling particularily poopy and I bump my sore bosom kind of on purpose and think to myself “I may be feeling horrible but we’re doing just fine.”

And then I suck it up and get on with my day.

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