Monthly Archives: February 2012

Passing the Time

Hey hey, I see people have been checking in but I haven’t really had much to say. I had a horrific cold/cough/sore throat which put a damper on my supplements as I couldn’t really swallow. But I’m back on the regime and I’m still not 100% sure but I’m keeping on track so my options are open.

In the meantime, I’m starting a new blog. I have realized I need to spend some time focusing on being a Mom and not just trying to be a Mom. So if you feel like getting to know that part of my life better, skip on over to mommydo and have a look. I’m still filling content and working on some things. I haven’t spread the word there’s anything there. It feels a little light – but I suppose after baring my soul here for almost 3 years, recipes and sewing projects would seem a little light.
I’ll still be posting here from time to time. But as this in-between plods along there might be more there than here.
Hope everyone else is well.

If you have a moment, drop on over to see Mo @ Mommyodyssy. She recently lost her boy Nadav at 23 weeks.

Gotta go take some more vits.

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Filed under 3rd ivf, infertility, ivf

This one feels a bit like a lose-lose

But here’s the thing.

I’m not one to go down without a fight.

I started the supplements today. All the supplements. It’s a fairly serious commitment – I think there are 8 in total. I’ll have plenty of time to tell you all about them as I won’t be calling in my day one till the beginning of april. And then there’s a non-medicated cycle. Then THE cycle. Of course, I can change my mind at any point between now and my official day 1 (teaching day) (which I find funny since I could probably teach the nurses how to give better injections that they can teach me…) with minimal financial consequence.
But after all the juggling of various vits and supps, that seems unlikely.
I think we’re in – hoping to be THE ten percent.
Understanding that we may just be in this time so we know – without doubt – that we’re out.

It may well be crazy. But I think I believe in my heart that there are things in life worth going a little crazy for.

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Supplements

So a big part of saying yes to trying again is committing to a rather long list of vitamins and supplements for a min of 8 weeks. To cycle sooner rather than later the supplements need to start today. Yesterday.

And it means living the next cycle every day until it starts. No break. No “take time to think about it”. Another 2-3 month commitment to try again.

But if we don’t start them now, and we decide we do want to try again, that cycle will wait for the 8+weeks of supplements to be done.

This would be the “we did everything we could” cycle so not taking the doc’s advice and skipping this step would allow doubt to creep in. Which is not an option.

The whole thing started out hard and just gets harder doesn’t it?

If we’re going to go again, the cycle starts today.

And I suppose we could start then call it off later.

But I can’t help but wonder how I’ll feel at the end of the next one?

I guess there’s no way to supplement hope.

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At what point are you just a crazy lady?

We had our follow-up appointment and the doctor was very frank about where we are. A live baby. A miscarriage. A chemical. The next stop is usually nothing to transfer. End of the line.

When we came into the clinic in early 2009, our chances of success were in the 75-80% range – the perfect candidates for IVF.

Now, he estimates our chances at >10%. Less than 10!

On the other hand, he can see how the circumstances might leave us wondering if things might have been different. And, despite those low odds, there are couples in our situation who do get pregnant. And, there are tweaks to the protocol he can make to try and optimize what is basically a crap situation if we decided that we did, in fact, want to try again.

The greatest factor to be considered, in his mind, is how much we can take? How much can I withstand emotionally, how much can our marriage withstand.

I got the sense that he believes we’d try again to have the closure that comes from knowing you did everything you could.
And, yes, there is a small chance we’d have a baby. But it is more likely we would not.

I think I need that closure. But I also think it’s crazy to do it all again just so you can prove to yourself that you’re never going to get what you want – once and for all.

Are you crazy for trying again? crazy for not trying again? Are you already a crazy lady regardless?

What would you do?

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The Great Unknown

Here we are again. Not really knowing what to do. Carry on trying? Carry on with the life we have? I’m starting to sound like a broken record. First I’m shouting “That’s it, this is the last time.” Then when it doesn’t turn out as I’d planned it’s “Maybe just one more try.”
I don’t know how to say it’s the end.
Hopefully our follow-up will shed some light.
I don’t know what the end of this will look like. Right now, it just looks sad.
I need to get to the place where the end is happy. Even if it’s not the end I was looking for.

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Beta Day

This is the first Beta Day since this IVF journey I’m not thrilled to be living. Once it became clear to me this was not a successful cycle I was drawn back in time to our IUI days in summer and fall of 2008. I had pushed them out of my memory as they weren’t good days. I was so filled with hope starting that process then month after month the hope was stomped until I didn’t really have much of it left. Even starting the IVF process months later, I was still riding the wave of defeat set off by those failed attempts.
Just got the call that beta is less than 2.39. Negative. Effectively zero. Stop the meds. Stop the wondering if we’re the weird case you read about on the internet that gets a positive beta despite about $100 in pee sticks telling you otherwise.
Eqq quality? Stress? Reason to believe there’s still a chance? Time to accept there’s no brother or sister out there for the Bub and there never will be?

Sigh.

I’d love to stay and chat but there’s a restaurant lunch with a glass of wine waiting for me. And these tears might just fry my computer.

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