Worst Drugs Yet

I feel gross. This drug combination is nasty.

I really hope we see some progress in more than just a couple of the 20 resting follicles we saw Saturday because I’m on the brink and need a boost.

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So here we go again…

I can’t believe I’m home from my first cycle monitoring appointment of my FOURTH ivf. I tell you, if you had told me 4 years ago I’d be here, I’d never have believed you.

Life is just plain CRAZY.

Do you know what else is crazy? Sitting in front of the weekend nurse who’s flipping through your chart, reading your “IVF not likely to succeed” letter from your RE while she’s telling you about your ultrasound. (success rate >10%)

The ultrasound during which it was discovered that you have 20 resting follicles.
Oh yes. You heard that right 20 RESTING FOLLICLES.

Just so you don’t have to go flipping back through time, the 1st IVF cycle we had 10 (then had Bubble). The second we had 6 (then a missed miscarriage of sweet Olive). The third we had 11 and a chemical pregnancy (a pregnancy that I detected by pee stick in the AM then went to work and got fired that afternoon then watched it fizzle out over 3 more days of sticks till it was gone).
This “micro-flare protocol” cycle started long before today with 8 kinds of supplements, acupuncture, Saizen (a growth hormone) and no suppression.
And if the internet tells the truth, (and that’s a big IF) the success rate in clinical studies (measuring live birth rate in women my age) is 57% with that count compared to between 12-31% for previous counts.

I get that there are lots of other factors at play and it’s a long road from there to retrieval but I have to say this makes me feel this “longshot” cycle is off to a positive start. It’s just one tiny victory in a series of battles.
But I’ll take it.

Deep Breaths

Deep Breaths.

I’m gonna get through this. I’ve done it before right? Just like the times before. Deep Breaths. Don’t get stressed. Stay calm.

It’s only a couple of weeks.

This has taken years. It’s only a few more weeks.

Deep breaths.

All in.

If you’re gonna go against the odds and take one last run at something, I believe there’s no point in half-assing it.
I kind of left you hanging about what we would do next. When I started the supplements, I wasn’t sure whether we’d go through with the next cycle or not.
In fact, it came down to 1 hour before the clinic closed on my last day 1 and I still hadn’t decided.
I googled ‘how do you know when enough is enough TTC’ but I didn’t get any good advice.
…Except for one thing. One person said to ask yourself if you’d be able say in a month or 12 or twelve years from now that you believed you’d done everything you could.
And when I put it that way to myself I realized I had one cycle left in me.
But if I was going to go for it, I’d have to be all in.

Since then, I’ve embraced that theory whole-heartedly. The supplements have continued. I’ve been doing acupuncture. And we’ve added some extra drugs to the regime to go all out this cycle.
Because I want to be able to say I did everything. EVERYTHING I could.

Tonight the first drug starts. I haven’t been able to find out too much on SAIZEN, just that it’s controversial. But we’re doing it so I’ll let you know how that part goes.

The cycle proper should start next week. It’s a quick protocol so we could be in for ER as soon as 2 weeks from Sunday.

It’s time for finger crossing and all that.

Wish us luck.

It’s a long shot, to be sure. But every now and again the long shot takes it.

And I have always been partial to underdogs. They don’t have the luxury to half-ass anything.

Oh sure, now time flies…

The time to decide is upon us. Are we in or out? We’ll need to call in day 1 tomorrow. I admit, I’m torn.

On one hand, I really, really want Shane to have a sibling and for us to have another child.

On the other hand, I don’t want any more heartache.

I don’t have any idea what the right decision is.

Anyone have any council?