Tag Archives: injections

Think Different

I actually felt kind of nauseous when I was prepping for injections #1 and 2 – in a seriously? I’m here again? kind of way.
After IVF #1 I swore I didn’t have it in me to do it again.
Then, the desire to grow the family was greater than my dread.
So we gave it another go – insisting “this is it” – the end.
Then, well, I couldn’t just leave it where we ended up.
So, here we are. Again.
The reality of it seemed to hit home the hardest when I was cooking up a batch of Luveris in the kitchen, preparing to give myself the first jab. Then the Gonal-F. Then the cleaning up of the crack house debris.
I wonder if people who make babies with sex (novel thought) instill the same sense of importance to the first thrust? I doubt it. They’re probably thinking about whether they look fat. Or if the other person is as into it. Or something. They probably think it’s fun – making a baby. They probably don’t feel nauseous. Unless they had one too many glasses of Chardonnay.
They’re probably not thinking about anything at all.

But that would mean they’re also not thinking about how this exact moment could be the start of a chain of events that changes everything.
Which is what I needed to do to get through. Because a part of me keeps thinking “we weren’t supposed to be here. We were happy. It was supposed to be ok.”

Sure, it wasn’t ok. But I need to remember that doesn’t mean it won’t be this time.
I need to think about whether these bruises make me look fat. Or if I look hot holding a syringe. I need to think about nothing at all.
I need to think that this could be the start of something that changes everything.
In a good way.

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Gonal-f’ing pain in the butt

er, or make that leg. First off, all is well in the estrogen department. I’m up to 200 and the follies are still resting. Nurse J thinks we’ll see them starting to grow next u/s on Thursday morning. Meds stay as is.

Cool. So do the injections today in the thigh. All three bleed. Now have a line of three buises that look like the start of orion’s belt.

Consider creating constellation stencils for injectors to use so at least when they’re through, the bruises make a statement. Could be astrological signs. Then thing, why stop there. Flowers, geometric shapes? Frank Lloyd Wright’s falling water?

I digress. Finish Gonal-F injection only to notice it doesn’t look like there’s enough for tomorrow’s dose. I only have one pen. It takes the pharmacy a day to order (and it’s after 5). WTF am I going to do I think to myself as my eyes start to well up. Bit of o a weeper  these days.

So send an email to the clinic asking for advice. They sell the drugs there, but thank goodness, our meds are covered under husband’s plan. So it’s far better for us to get a prescription filled at a pharmacy so it gets paid for.

No idea what we’re going to do. Have visions of cancelled cycle dancing in my head. Into the car, down to the pharmacy…Husband stays behind the wheel as there’s no where to park and I go in to find options.

The pharmacist isn’t much help. They have to order it. No they can’t get it tomorrow. No they don’t know where else to get it. Oh look there is a refill here (why the f didn’t you just order both at once) – but not much we can do. You could try calling around…

And then I start to cry. In front of 4 pharmacy staff, and 8 people standing around waiting for scripts. Now I feel like an idiot. And I still don’t have any f’ing gonal F.

Hmmm, call around? I call the drug mart closest to my clinic. There are a bunch of clinics in the same area and I figured that’d be my best bet. Get a woman on the phone who is very kind, sounds like she’s used to people calling and being a little – um – agitated (crazy) about these drugs. She quickly tells me they have it in stock. I can pick it up tomorrow. Not a problem. If I give her the number of my local pharm and details she’ll call and have the refill transferred. Not to worry. Done and done.

So long story short – I have to go pick up some more gonal-f tomorrow. It won’t be a problem though. And the injections continue.

Went to see Ben Folds tonight. He rocks. Took my mind off things for a couple of hours. Yay.

And for those keeping track of the report card – taxes? Check. Into the mail today.

Everything else on the list? Well, it’ll have to wait.

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Family Day Report Card

(Overdue) Taxes – A+ Both my shamefully old tax returns are done. Just need to bring my laptop to the office to print them off and viola – operation “Take care of things that are stressing you out” is off to a good start.

Coming up on our anniversary and have a few outstanding wedding thank yous  – B+ – Located unsent list and cards – need to get addresses to send (that was the original hold up) but made no attempt to secure said addresses. Will take to work tomorrow and get as many as possible there. Estimated completion date – Wed.

Office shape up – F – the act of looking for cards and tax receipts has left office in worst shape than before. Might need to call in reinforcements. I am a horrible pack rat. I think I’m going to need an intervention to ever get it sorted. Estimated completion date – Easter

The Lump – (laundry) C – folded and put away clean baskets from loads of yore. Sorted laundry to prep for wash. But as I didn’t actually put a load in the washer to day – mediocre grade. Estimated completion date – Tuesday? Thursday?

All in all it seemed like a busy day despite not really getting a lot finished. Family day makes me want to throw up in my mouth a bit (not having a long weekend, I’m all for that) because it feels like another kick in the gut reminder that other people are celebrating having a family and I’m doing everything I can not to think about it. Couldn’t they have called it Winter day? Or named it for some dead people? Or just called it Free Day! Jerks.

In other news, switched to leg for injections today. Not much tummy territory left. I’m not that keen on the leg. Not sure if it’s just my imagination but I think it hurts more and it’s harder to get the needle in and out at 90 degrees. I’m not adjusting well to three in a row regardless. Hopefully it’ll start to feel more like a habit tomorrow.

Ultrasound bright and early. Come on little Follies!

This is kind of a boring post. My apologies. Was kind of a boring day. Except the part where we ate dessert first – cupcakes as an appetizer – to help take the bite out the needle stings. I think I’m getting a clue as to why I’m gaining weight  – needles = treat. U/S = treat. Blood test = treat. Around here the treats are really adding up (on my a#$).

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Cooking up a little romance…

Completely not an option tonight. We made the big jump from suppressing to stimulating. And I have to say nothing kills the thought of a romantic dinner than two fairly well adjusted love birds trying to get the recipe for a baby right.

Start with the lupron shot. I’m getting used to that one so I went with the whole “devil you know” thing. Then Luveris. You have to use a giant needle to make the mix up for that one. Husband reading direction while trying not to pass out from giant needle. Me trying not to squirt it all over the floor. Where did the last shot go in? Don’t want to do the same spot twice. They gave me a map to follow. Damn. Should have followed the map. Starting to look like a junkie with all the track marks. Luveris, done. Stings more. And felt a weird warm sensation radiating from the injection sight. Oh, and think my bo.obs grew (again) just looking at the syringe.

Third one. Gonal-f. This one’s a pen. Fairly simple. Small needle. Dial up the meds and go. Need to find a spot. Takes a while. Jab it in. Plunge the tip. Husband, reading instructions again, counts steamboats till I can take out the needle. Have to leave it in for 5 to 10 sec. Bo.obs grew (again) just looking at the pen.

Clean up the crack house counter and c’est tout.

The whole process took us a whopping 30 min so we jumped into the car and raced to the theatre to catch an early show.

We hadn’t really picked one but after the “stick-up” my hub thought we should go see the chick flick…(I think the needles might be harder on him than me if they’re driven him to volunteer that) so I got seats – slide in just as the film started while he got us treats.

I’m certain I’ve spent Valentine’s Day at a fancy restaurant. I’ve had candlelight. I’ve had red Cinnamon hearts and candy kisses. But I’ve never felt more loved than I did this year mixing up meds and counting down the steamboats.

Long weekend here in Canada – Back to the clinic tuesday to see if the follies are responding… hoping they’re feeling the love and join the party.

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Lucky Plucky

Much talk of luck big and small yesterday. So, to continue the theme, I’d like to let you in on a little thought I had during my last intimate encounter with “Wanda” for my baseline ultrasound.

I sort of feel like the ultrasound tech plays a big role in this process. And you never really talk much – like who wants to make small talk with the person who’s waving Wanda up your who-ha. So how do they know how committed you are to the cause?

You need non-verbal cues. A sign. And I believe a lucky plucky – a sign you wear (down there) will let them know just how serious you are.

Forget the landing strip. How about a 4 leaf clover? Rabbit’s foot (similar to the landing strip but a little wider and a lot bushier)? And for those a little more religious I suggest praying hands.

I think it could really catch on! I totally find the time between stressing about work, the cycle, the meds, the money to ensure the house is neat enough for guests. (Everday neat, not third date neat) Why not take a few extra minutes to go the distance. Maybe something more forward thinking…an arrow that points “This way out”. Oooh, and if you’ve got a tech who’s not so Wand-erful (a jabber, a can’t find the holer, or worse of all, a lets get your lungs while we’re at it, I’ll just shove a little harderer) you must be able to sculpt “flipping the bird”.

I’ll get started on the stencils. Can’t wait.

Next ultrasound on the 17th.

Start stimming tomorrow. 3 needles. not much real estate left on the belly now – can only imagine 10 days and 30 injections from now.

A fresh rabbit’s foot-kini wax and and  countless belly bruises. There is nothing like IVF to make you feel beautiful.

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Two Thumbs Update

Better post later but quick update. We have 10 resting follicles, 6 on one side, 4 on the other. Let the naming begin…

Our numbers are good – estrogen 56. LH 2 and progesterone 5.8. No idea what those numbers mean – need to have a follow-up with Dr. Google.

My Gonal F has been increased to 225 but Luveris remains at 75.

My evil twin – Lupronia should be gone once we start stimming on the 14th – the best Valentines Day gift my husband could ask for.

Ok – crazy lady has to get back to work.

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Is there precedent for the Lupron Defence?

First off, I’d really like to thank everyone for their kind words, well wishes and heart-felt support. I really does mean the world to me. And every time a comment arrives, it takes the curse off that hour and makes me feel better. I am very grateful.

Second – between 7 AM and 8:30 tomorrow I have my baseline ultrasound and the thumbs up or thumbs down to continue. I’m really pulling for two thumbs up because I’m not sure I can take another round of Fruit Loups.

Oh Wednesday, Wednesday – more than once today I thought it was already sweet Thursday – but alas – still two working days to go. To get through the Wednesday Drearies, and to mark my one week Lupronaversay I give you…

Ten things I’ve snapped at my Husband about…

(Or ten reasons why my husband won’t be buying pharmaceutical stock any time soon.)

1. What time he needs to drop me off at work… “How the F’ am I supposed to know when you need to drop me off so you can be on time?”

2. Why Idol isn’t recording on the PVR…”How the F am I supposed to know why it isn’t working. Maybe it’s broken”

3. Where are the car keys…”How the F am I supposed to know. Look where you left them”

4 Why we don’t go to bed earlier…”Why the F would I go to bed earlier when I can’t F’ing sleep.”

5. Where the leftover chicken is located in the fridge. “You put it back, how the F should I know where it is.”

6. If I want to finish my juice smoothie. “Why the F would I have offered it to you if I still wanted it?”

7. How I’m feeling…”Look at me, how the F do you think I’m feeling.”

8. Am I ready for work…”I’m standing here in my coat at 8 am, what the F do you think I’m ready for?”

9. What’s the matter?…”I’m thirsty, I’m fattening like a piggy in spring, I can’t sleep, I want to rip everyone’s throat out and I have cramps. Where do you F’ing want me to start with what’s the matter?”

10. (and my personal favourite repeated every day at 6:30 PM) How was that one? …”I just jammed a(nother) F’ing needle in my gut! How the F do you think it was?

Maybe if we finally get our BFP we can name the baby Loupy Von F Bomb. Or Getoutofmy Way.

I’ll report back on the baseline once I hear.

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PMMS – pre (menstral/menopausal) syndrome

Right. Forgot. You still get your period on Lupron. Like I’m not crazy enough…

I have this completely irrational fear that I’m going to go to the clinic on Thursday morning to have my ultrasound only to find that my cycle had been cancelled and all this loop-de-lupron will be for nothing.

It’s pretty shameful that I’m not even worried about whether or not we’ll get our BFP because I’m too worried we won’t even get a shot at finishing the cycle.

This whole thing sure does a number on you.

I remember ‘trying’ like it was this carefree, slightly naughty thing we did without telling anyone. It was way too soon in our relationship to have thrown caution to the wind. And when I looked at those early HPTs I really expected to see two lines. I’d shake them like a polaroid picture thinking the second line was just taking it’s time to ‘develop’. And then, oh well, next month. Hee hee – back to the secret naughty.

Somewhere along the line, after the opk’s, the preliminary appointments, the perfectly timed ‘romantic weekends’, the ‘just relaxing’ turned into relax my ass. I am broken. I am a broken woman. (Currently a quite bloated – rather moody, glassy-eyed maniac broken woman). WTF?

Now I’m a whiney blogger too.

ARRGHH! I miss the secret naughty.

I wonder if the people who got pregnant right away are secretly jealous of the injections? No?

The only thing that keeps me hopeful that the baseline will go okay is if the cycle goes away then I never get to make the jump from one needle a day to three. And I’m pretty sure there’s no way the universe would let me miss out on that!

2 sleeps to baseline! then 2 weeks (give or take) till ER.

Please let this work. I’m tired of trying. I’m tired of hormoaning. I’m tired of being the one in the room everyone has to change the subject around. I’m tired of Lupron induced insomnia.

Beh. I’m tired.

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Hot Flashes and facial rashes…

I may be making this up – but after only 2 lupron shots I seemed to have experienced my first hot flash and have this itchy red rash on my face that makes me look like I made out all night with a lumberjack.

Nice.

I wonder what else is in store for me? All this time I was waiting to get started, I never took much time to consider what the drugs were going to do to me.

Sure I ready about other experiences but, I don’t know, just didn’t really give it much thought.

But yesterday when I sat down with all the literature from the pharmacy and looked at all the possible side effects – holy crap – these drugs can really do a number on you! Now this face thing isn’t pretty, but I don’t think it’s serious.

Some of the other things listed are cause for concern. I find it strange that I always say we. We’ll be doing this, we’ll be taking that, our appointment is this day. But right now, when I look in the mirror – it’s just my itchy red face I see.

The dudes really get off easy here. And that annoys me. Probably because I’m all amped up on menopause and have an itchy face.

It’s gonna be a long month…

This is kind of lame post. (I think part of me suffers from ‘inject me today – hand me a baby tomorrow’ syndrome. It’s like I waited and waited to start, and now that the shine has gone off the syringe, I have realized I just have more damned waiting to do. Waiting to see if we get the green light on the 12th. Waiting to see if the stims work. Waiting to see how the ER goes – how many eggs? Did they fertilize? Will they make it? Will we transfer? Any to freeze? Will they implant – wait, wait, wait. scratch, scratch, scratch.)

I take it back. This rash may seriously make me scratch my face off.

I’ll be more chipper and more interesting or at least more funny tomorrow. Yes. Funny Friday!

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You always remember your first time…

Ah, remember when making a baby involved a different kind of poking?

Today was our first injection. After bringing home a load of drugs impressive enough to have all three pharmacists at my local drug store abandon what they were up to and come to the counter to wave and shout good luck, I proceeded to mentally prepare myself for the first jab.

Any Lord of the Ring fans out there? No – ok then I’ll try and re-frame the reference. It might seem like just one needle. But you step out your door on this adventure. And you only plan on going to the end of the drive, or the end of the street. Then you find you’ve travelled twice as far as you ever thought you’d have to. And certainly twice as far as you ever thought you could.

And at that moment you realize you just have to keep walking. Because your task, your journey. It just isn’t finished yet.

So today – as I was thinking about my first needle I realized that I may be on my first injection but I’m already so far  in that it feels more like the start of a new chapter in a book that’s hopefully 3/4 through than a whole new story. Which brought me great comfort. I sometimes think it’s never going to work, but that I have to try everything so that when I give up I can do so without regret.

But today it felt like maybe having a baby was possible. And that needle delivered a shot that was 1 part Lupron and 2 parts hope.

Almost as much as there was the first time my husband and I ‘had the talk’ and decided we’d try in earnest to have a baby. All that time ago. The feeling of trust and love and commitment that I took from that day and the days that followed, through one No after another didn’t fade. Just got a little lost in the shuffle.

But tonight as he was holding the sharp container and I was fighting with air bubbles and alcohol swaps it swept over me all over again. It felt so right – the two of us trying to have a baby. And I was nearly overcome. Just like the first time.

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