One more sleep

Ultrasound is tomorrow. Kind of a day of reckoning. Is Bubble still going strong or did he not make it to the point where his heart started beating.

I’ve been feeling terrible so my gut says yes. All is well in there. But who knows? Could be the progesterone or the estrogen making me sick.

Could be that he’s hanging in there and bumping my hormones but not doing what he needs to do to make it in the long haul.

I’ve been wondering when I’ll start to think of this as a pregnancy blog and not a TTC blog. I know that I’m pregnant. And no longer TTC – but it still doesn’t seem far enough along for me to make the mental leap. Which I am willing to bet is even more annoying to those who are reading who are still where I was during this IVF cycle. Old me – if I were reading this would be thinking – You have what we all want, what you’ve been wanting. Why the hell aren’t you jumping for joy. Celebrate dammit. You’re further than ever before and you’re moping around like you were before any of this happened.

So tomorrow – if all is as it should be – I will celebrate. Maybe not jump for joy because my heaving bosom is enormous…but embrace it more fully.

Maybe even change the picture up there.

Where does the time go?

I’ve been reading the books I have (thanks to T and SIL) about pregnancy and so many refer to my advanced maternal age…(the ripe old age of 36) and I’m really irked.

Mostly I’m ticked that we tried and tried to get here before the odometer clicked past the golden 34 onto the notably less shiny 35 and certainly before the blackened rust heap that is 36. WE TRIED DAMMIT!

Is there no room in there for describing the slightly advanced but dutifully taking prenatal vitamins, saving the booze for special occasions and failed cycles and thinking about everything that goes into the ‘wanttobemothership’? Doesn’t the 2 plus years of actively trying somehow negate some of my actual age? Well, doesn’t it?

it seems quite unfair to me that time marches on, paying no heed to how hard we work or how much we sacrifice.

Then time, that dirty bit.ch, slows to a grinding halt whenever there’s waiting to be done. Waiting for cycles to start, betas then ultrasounds…

Time is not my friend today. Screw time.

SIDEBAR:

Ideas for calcium?

Throwing this one out there. I’m lactose intolerant and am trying to get enough calcium without additional supplements. Anybody have ideas on how to sneak extra cal into day to day eating?

Bubble still looks like a bubble.

Just wanted to post a quick update. Today’s ultrasound was a-ok. There’s one healthy uterine pregnancy in there. Bubble is measuring perfectly. There doesn’t seem to be any distress caused by the cramping. We we told to be on the lookout for sudden severe pain as Other Bubble may have implanted in the left tube – but the chances are very highly unlikely.

We’re back in on the 2nd for a better look and hopefully a heartbeat. It was too soon to see one today.

Phew.

Cramps and More Cramps

Last night I had cramping so bad it woke me up. I was sure it was all over. Went to pee and no evidence of the Bubble in distress but the cramping continued and kept me up almost till morning.

The pain continued on and off in the morning then picked up again in the afternoon.

I emailed the clinic first thing in the AM and they’ve moved my ultrasound up to tomorrow morning just to be sure everything is ok.

When I got word they were moving me up I packed it in at the office and came home to work. Which was more  nap than work because it was seasick time and that time is better passed asleep.

Today – as far as I know, I am still pregnant. Tomorrow I might not be. I might be waiting for an impending miscarriage. I really hope that’s not the case. I hope that it’s just some weird intestinal thing, or uterus stretching and moving to make room for Bubble.

I’m not ready to say goodbye. I haven’t really had the chance to say hello!

So I have to believe that it’s just growing pains. That Bubble is there. Safe and sound. And that we’ll see him there – bubbling along tomorrow. Oblivious to all the cramps, cramps and more cramps that are going on around him.

11 Sleeps till Ultrasound

To pass the time until the ultrasound lets us know that Bubble is OK today – here are 11 things that are weird about being pregnant…

1. When I talk about my sore b.oo.bs – I mean really, really sore. Brought tears to my eyes yesterday sore.

2. It’s true about the sense of smell – I can smell everything. It’s unpleasant.

3. There are things I can’t imagine eating. Like grocery store roast chicken and bacon cooked at home. No idea why.

4. Thirsty. So thirsty.

5. When I am hungry, I am hungry NOW.  But when I eat – after about 1/2 normal portion I’m full. Until I’m not. Then I’m hungry. NOW.

6. The smell of cleaning supplies make me queasy. Lucky for me.

7.  I spend an unusual amount of time wondering. Not scheming or planning or controlling. Just wondering…boy or girl? Left handed or right? Happy baby? Grumpy baby? Likes books, bikes, cars, cabbage patch? Will I ever get to know?

8. I haven’t really gained weight – but the weight I have seems to have migrated to my middle. Not in an attractive way…not that it matters – just not used to having small calves and big muffin top. All the weight used to live in the bottom half. How it’s managed to move up, I’ll never know.

9. Bubble is the size of a poppy seed and already seems to be the focus of the household. Um, that didn’t take long.

10. Did I mention the boo.bs? Ouch.

11. I’m happy. I’m worried and anxious and nervous  – I think I write that every day – but I’m happy. I was worried for a while that all the IF stuff was becoming a challenge. And that I had become so focused on the struggle that I’d lost sight of the reason we got into the ring in the first place. From time to time I wondered if I wanted to beat the infertility more that I wanted the baby. I’ve now realized that isn’t possible. I want us to meet the Bubble more that I thought was possible. And that want doesn’t fill me with despair the way wanting to beat the IF did. It makes me really friggin happy.

Lucky Plucky

Much talk of luck big and small yesterday. So, to continue the theme, I’d like to let you in on a little thought I had during my last intimate encounter with “Wanda” for my baseline ultrasound.

I sort of feel like the ultrasound tech plays a big role in this process. And you never really talk much – like who wants to make small talk with the person who’s waving Wanda up your who-ha. So how do they know how committed you are to the cause?

You need non-verbal cues. A sign. And I believe a lucky plucky – a sign you wear (down there) will let them know just how serious you are.

Forget the landing strip. How about a 4 leaf clover? Rabbit’s foot (similar to the landing strip but a little wider and a lot bushier)? And for those a little more religious I suggest praying hands.

I think it could really catch on! I totally find the time between stressing about work, the cycle, the meds, the money to ensure the house is neat enough for guests. (Everday neat, not third date neat) Why not take a few extra minutes to go the distance. Maybe something more forward thinking…an arrow that points “This way out”. Oooh, and if you’ve got a tech who’s not so Wand-erful (a jabber, a can’t find the holer, or worse of all, a lets get your lungs while we’re at it, I’ll just shove a little harderer) you must be able to sculpt “flipping the bird”.

I’ll get started on the stencils. Can’t wait.

Next ultrasound on the 17th.

Start stimming tomorrow. 3 needles. not much real estate left on the belly now – can only imagine 10 days and 30 injections from now.

A fresh rabbit’s foot-kini wax and and  countless belly bruises. There is nothing like IVF to make you feel beautiful.