Bubble Baby is still in there – growing away, boosting beta and disturbing my digestion. I know it’s in there – though there’s no ultrasound proof – and I love it very much.
Perhaps an irrational amount because I am plagued with fear of blowing this. I am worried about tying my shoes, bouncing on the streetcar, starving Bubble by not eating enough, squishing Bubble by eating too much. I’m turning into a whole different kind of crazy person.
I’m not sure if this fear will subside. Once we see the ultrasound or hear the heartbeat or creep out of the first trimester will I feel like I can let my guard down and just be excited about it?
I have wanted this and worked for this and sacrificed for this…and it just feels so precarious. So fleeting.
And then I fear that it will abruptly come to an end and I won’t have properly soaked in the majesty of it all. Bubble feels at arms length. Like a Bubble in a bubble. Or a snowglobe. I can get the sense of it. I get glimpses of the future. But I can’t quite let it in – there’s a barrier – there’s a crippling fear – standing guard.
I want the wonder of these moments, these miraculous moments to dispearse every particle of afraid. So I can burst through the wall, skip through the puddles, smile at the sun and feel the warm radiant joy that comes with Bubbles.