Tag Archives: infertility

Still truckin’

So those 2 little guys are still truckin’ along. Quality seems to be good – though they don’t seem to have an official ‘grade’ this early. They’re noted to be 1-2 grade (one being the best). We’ll know tomorrow once we arrive for the transfer if they’re still viable.
If anybody reading has any insight on day 3 vs day 5 transfer, I’d be interested to hear it.
Otherwise, I’ll report back tomorrow.


Filed under 3rd ivf

It’s not over yet…

I have an overwhelming sense of sadness with every step in this cycle knowing that once it’s done, it’s done. Bottom of the ninth, down by 2. Two out. Bases empty. The other team has last at bat. Pack up the clothes. List gear on crai$#ist. Clear away all the little baby things.

But today is not that day. We’re not out of the game yet. We retrieved 3 eggs today. Three. The RE gave us some positive examples. He’s not ready to call it a day. But he also said, when he came to check on me and found me sitting silently with tears streaming down my face, that we don’t know what we don’t know. It’s one day at a time. We just have to wait and see. And it only takes one.

It only takes one and we have three. Which is my favourite number. My hockey number. My lucky number. And 2 more than 1.
So it’s not over yet.


Filed under 3rd ivf

Think Different

I actually felt kind of nauseous when I was prepping for injections #1 and 2 – in a seriously? I’m here again? kind of way.
After IVF #1 I swore I didn’t have it in me to do it again.
Then, the desire to grow the family was greater than my dread.
So we gave it another go – insisting “this is it” – the end.
Then, well, I couldn’t just leave it where we ended up.
So, here we are. Again.
The reality of it seemed to hit home the hardest when I was cooking up a batch of Luveris in the kitchen, preparing to give myself the first jab. Then the Gonal-F. Then the cleaning up of the crack house debris.
I wonder if people who make babies with sex (novel thought) instill the same sense of importance to the first thrust? I doubt it. They’re probably thinking about whether they look fat. Or if the other person is as into it. Or something. They probably think it’s fun – making a baby. They probably don’t feel nauseous. Unless they had one too many glasses of Chardonnay.
They’re probably not thinking about anything at all.

But that would mean they’re also not thinking about how this exact moment could be the start of a chain of events that changes everything.
Which is what I needed to do to get through. Because a part of me keeps thinking “we weren’t supposed to be here. We were happy. It was supposed to be ok.”

Sure, it wasn’t ok. But I need to remember that doesn’t mean it won’t be this time.
I need to think about whether these bruises make me look fat. Or if I look hot holding a syringe. I need to think about nothing at all.
I need to think that this could be the start of something that changes everything.
In a good way.


Filed under 3rd ivf

OB, wand, kenobi

We met with the OB today and I actually quite like him. Seemed to be unfazed by my neurosis. He’s sending me to a specialist to check up on my ticker…(heart arrhythmia? no idea how to spell that.) It’s an old problem that seems to be a little more prominent since the Bubble. There was no wand today but I was very comfortable with him and think he would not be heavy handed should he ever wield the wand.

In terms of being able to get us from now across the universe to holding a baby Bubble, he came across as the guy who’d listen to all your concerns, acknowledge your fears, and put you in the best hands if he felt the situation was beyond his expertise. All in all, I liked him – and I was expecting to not like him.

Two milestones in two days. Heartbeat and OB. Still working on the new masthead. I’ve come to realize that even if this becomes a pregnancy after IVF blog then we lose Bubble, it will never be what it was again. So I’m getting ready to make a shift. Not quite yet. But soon.


Filed under ivf

One more sleep

Ultrasound is tomorrow. Kind of a day of reckoning. Is Bubble still going strong or did he not make it to the point where his heart started beating.

I’ve been feeling terrible so my gut says yes. All is well in there. But who knows? Could be the progesterone or the estrogen making me sick.

Could be that he’s hanging in there and bumping my hormones but not doing what he needs to do to make it in the long haul.

I’ve been wondering when I’ll start to think of this as a pregnancy blog and not a TTC blog. I know that I’m pregnant. And no longer TTC – but it still doesn’t seem far enough along for me to make the mental leap. Which I am willing to bet is even more annoying to those who are reading who are still where I was during this IVF cycle. Old me – if I were reading this would be thinking – You have what we all want, what you’ve been wanting. Why the hell aren’t you jumping for joy. Celebrate dammit. You’re further than ever before and you’re moping around like you were before any of this happened.

So tomorrow – if all is as it should be – I will celebrate. Maybe not jump for joy because my heaving bosom is enormous…but embrace it more fully.

Maybe even change the picture up there.


Filed under ivf

So that’s why it’s called Morning Sickness

I think it’s official. I suffer from morning sickness. I’ve been feeling queasy at various times – usually between 1 and 6 in the afternoon.

Today I woke up and did a little work before really getting moving. By the time I was in the shower I felt dreadful. Crawled downstairs to nibble on animal crackers and lay down on the couch until I had to leave for my meeting.

Brought snacks for the car ride and got through the meeting – looking a little green – then back to the office.

It’s not full on throwing up. And there was only one cough/heave combo today. But all in all I feel like Crap! I’ve heard feeling sick is a good sign. And I know that after all we’ve been through, what’s a little upset stomach? Right?

But I tell you – Bubble had better have a stellar heartbeat on Thurs…

Of course – there are other times when I’m feeling particularily poopy and I bump my sore bosom kind of on purpose and think to myself “I may be feeling horrible but we’re doing just fine.”

And then I suck it up and get on with my day.


Filed under ivf

Lub Dub

According to my pregnancy books, Bubble’s heart is supposed to start beating today. We have no way of knowing until next Thursday if this particular miracle actually happened – but I am choosing to believe it did.

That Little Bubble’s heart has started beating in double time with mine. We’re six weeks in now and it seems just as precarious today as the first day we saw the other line.

I went to see my family doc for an OB referral. I asked him for someone who’s good with the nervous.  He asked me when I thought my nerves would subside. I told him maybe in about 9 months or so. It remains to be seen if the Baby Doc is as understanding as my Doc lead me to believe.

We’ll find out next friday.

I imagine with every beat of that teeny tiny heart, my heart grows just a little more. I hope we get the chance to find out if the Bubble has enough room in there eight months from now, with my swollen heart taking up so much space.


Filed under ivf

At the Crossroads

Now that we know crisis to Bubble has been averted, I have another that’s been on my mind.

I’m having a bit of identity crisis – one that I suspect many infertiles find themselves having once they see the second line on the stick.

My whole world has been shaped by IF for more than 2 years (longer than some, not even close to as long as others). Now that there’s a Bubble in the oven, I have to admit, I feel a bit lost.

I feel a bit like a traitor to my infertile friends – I had the audacity to jump ship to the island of breeders. And I feel my easy-come-fertile pregnant friends just aren’t the same kind of pregnant.

They’re not worried about cramps that go bump in the night, or wondering when they can start to believe they’re really, really pregnant. They have some twinges – no big deal. They’re picturing a nursery, planning their mat leave.

And my infertile friends are looking at options, deciding what’s next, counting down days and counting up follicles. I completely get where they’re at. I just don’t quite know how to deal with where I’m at.

I am very aware that at any given moment I could be right back where I was before. But I’m pretty sure I’ll never be where the other pregsters are. So what does that make me?

Do all find-themselves-fertalized-infertiles feel so ambushed by these feelings  of having one foot in both camps- or am I just a big whiner?

I feel like a big whiner. Boo to me.


Filed under ivf

Cramps and More Cramps

Last night I had cramping so bad it woke me up. I was sure it was all over. Went to pee and no evidence of the Bubble in distress but the cramping continued and kept me up almost till morning.

The pain continued on and off in the morning then picked up again in the afternoon.

I emailed the clinic first thing in the AM and they’ve moved my ultrasound up to tomorrow morning just to be sure everything is ok.

When I got word they were moving me up I packed it in at the office and came home to work. Which was more  nap than work because it was seasick time and that time is better passed asleep.

Today – as far as I know, I am still pregnant. Tomorrow I might not be. I might be waiting for an impending miscarriage. I really hope that’s not the case. I hope that it’s just some weird intestinal thing, or uterus stretching and moving to make room for Bubble.

I’m not ready to say goodbye. I haven’t really had the chance to say hello!

So I have to believe that it’s just growing pains. That Bubble is there. Safe and sound. And that we’ll see him there – bubbling along tomorrow. Oblivious to all the cramps, cramps and more cramps that are going on around him.


Filed under ivf

11 Sleeps till Ultrasound

To pass the time until the ultrasound lets us know that Bubble is OK today – here are 11 things that are weird about being pregnant…

1. When I talk about my sore b.oo.bs – I mean really, really sore. Brought tears to my eyes yesterday sore.

2. It’s true about the sense of smell – I can smell everything. It’s unpleasant.

3. There are things I can’t imagine eating. Like grocery store roast chicken and bacon cooked at home. No idea why.

4. Thirsty. So thirsty.

5. When I am hungry, I am hungry NOW.  But when I eat – after about 1/2 normal portion I’m full. Until I’m not. Then I’m hungry. NOW.

6. The smell of cleaning supplies make me queasy. Lucky for me.

7.  I spend an unusual amount of time wondering. Not scheming or planning or controlling. Just wondering…boy or girl? Left handed or right? Happy baby? Grumpy baby? Likes books, bikes, cars, cabbage patch? Will I ever get to know?

8. I haven’t really gained weight – but the weight I have seems to have migrated to my middle. Not in an attractive way…not that it matters – just not used to having small calves and big muffin top. All the weight used to live in the bottom half. How it’s managed to move up, I’ll never know.

9. Bubble is the size of a poppy seed and already seems to be the focus of the household. Um, that didn’t take long.

10. Did I mention the boo.bs? Ouch.

11. I’m happy. I’m worried and anxious and nervous  – I think I write that every day – but I’m happy. I was worried for a while that all the IF stuff was becoming a challenge. And that I had become so focused on the struggle that I’d lost sight of the reason we got into the ring in the first place. From time to time I wondered if I wanted to beat the infertility more that I wanted the baby. I’ve now realized that isn’t possible. I want us to meet the Bubble more that I thought was possible. And that want doesn’t fill me with despair the way wanting to beat the IF did. It makes me really friggin happy.


Filed under ivf