Tag Archives: infertility

Still truckin’

So those 2 little guys are still truckin’ along. Quality seems to be good – though they don’t seem to have an official ‘grade’ this early. They’re noted to be 1-2 grade (one being the best). We’ll know tomorrow once we arrive for the transfer if they’re still viable.
If anybody reading has any insight on day 3 vs day 5 transfer, I’d be interested to hear it.
Otherwise, I’ll report back tomorrow.

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It’s not over yet…

I have an overwhelming sense of sadness with every step in this cycle knowing that once it’s done, it’s done. Bottom of the ninth, down by 2. Two out. Bases empty. The other team has last at bat. Pack up the clothes. List gear on crai$#ist. Clear away all the little baby things.

But today is not that day. We’re not out of the game yet. We retrieved 3 eggs today. Three. The RE gave us some positive examples. He’s not ready to call it a day. But he also said, when he came to check on me and found me sitting silently with tears streaming down my face, that we don’t know what we don’t know. It’s one day at a time. We just have to wait and see. And it only takes one.

It only takes one and we have three. Which is my favourite number. My hockey number. My lucky number. And 2 more than 1.
So it’s not over yet.

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Think Different

I actually felt kind of nauseous when I was prepping for injections #1 and 2 – in a seriously? I’m here again? kind of way.
After IVF #1 I swore I didn’t have it in me to do it again.
Then, the desire to grow the family was greater than my dread.
So we gave it another go – insisting “this is it” – the end.
Then, well, I couldn’t just leave it where we ended up.
So, here we are. Again.
The reality of it seemed to hit home the hardest when I was cooking up a batch of Luveris in the kitchen, preparing to give myself the first jab. Then the Gonal-F. Then the cleaning up of the crack house debris.
I wonder if people who make babies with sex (novel thought) instill the same sense of importance to the first thrust? I doubt it. They’re probably thinking about whether they look fat. Or if the other person is as into it. Or something. They probably think it’s fun – making a baby. They probably don’t feel nauseous. Unless they had one too many glasses of Chardonnay.
They’re probably not thinking about anything at all.

But that would mean they’re also not thinking about how this exact moment could be the start of a chain of events that changes everything.
Which is what I needed to do to get through. Because a part of me keeps thinking “we weren’t supposed to be here. We were happy. It was supposed to be ok.”

Sure, it wasn’t ok. But I need to remember that doesn’t mean it won’t be this time.
I need to think about whether these bruises make me look fat. Or if I look hot holding a syringe. I need to think about nothing at all.
I need to think that this could be the start of something that changes everything.
In a good way.

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OB, wand, kenobi

We met with the OB today and I actually quite like him. Seemed to be unfazed by my neurosis. He’s sending me to a specialist to check up on my ticker…(heart arrhythmia? no idea how to spell that.) It’s an old problem that seems to be a little more prominent since the Bubble. There was no wand today but I was very comfortable with him and think he would not be heavy handed should he ever wield the wand.

In terms of being able to get us from now across the universe to holding a baby Bubble, he came across as the guy who’d listen to all your concerns, acknowledge your fears, and put you in the best hands if he felt the situation was beyond his expertise. All in all, I liked him – and I was expecting to not like him.

Two milestones in two days. Heartbeat and OB. Still working on the new masthead. I’ve come to realize that even if this becomes a pregnancy after IVF blog then we lose Bubble, it will never be what it was again. So I’m getting ready to make a shift. Not quite yet. But soon.

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One more sleep

Ultrasound is tomorrow. Kind of a day of reckoning. Is Bubble still going strong or did he not make it to the point where his heart started beating.

I’ve been feeling terrible so my gut says yes. All is well in there. But who knows? Could be the progesterone or the estrogen making me sick.

Could be that he’s hanging in there and bumping my hormones but not doing what he needs to do to make it in the long haul.

I’ve been wondering when I’ll start to think of this as a pregnancy blog and not a TTC blog. I know that I’m pregnant. And no longer TTC – but it still doesn’t seem far enough along for me to make the mental leap. Which I am willing to bet is even more annoying to those who are reading who are still where I was during this IVF cycle. Old me – if I were reading this would be thinking – You have what we all want, what you’ve been wanting. Why the hell aren’t you jumping for joy. Celebrate dammit. You’re further than ever before and you’re moping around like you were before any of this happened.

So tomorrow – if all is as it should be – I will celebrate. Maybe not jump for joy because my heaving bosom is enormous…but embrace it more fully.

Maybe even change the picture up there.

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So that’s why it’s called Morning Sickness

I think it’s official. I suffer from morning sickness. I’ve been feeling queasy at various times – usually between 1 and 6 in the afternoon.

Today I woke up and did a little work before really getting moving. By the time I was in the shower I felt dreadful. Crawled downstairs to nibble on animal crackers and lay down on the couch until I had to leave for my meeting.

Brought snacks for the car ride and got through the meeting – looking a little green – then back to the office.

It’s not full on throwing up. And there was only one cough/heave combo today. But all in all I feel like Crap! I’ve heard feeling sick is a good sign. And I know that after all we’ve been through, what’s a little upset stomach? Right?

But I tell you – Bubble had better have a stellar heartbeat on Thurs…

Of course – there are other times when I’m feeling particularily poopy and I bump my sore bosom kind of on purpose and think to myself “I may be feeling horrible but we’re doing just fine.”

And then I suck it up and get on with my day.

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Lub Dub

According to my pregnancy books, Bubble’s heart is supposed to start beating today. We have no way of knowing until next Thursday if this particular miracle actually happened – but I am choosing to believe it did.

That Little Bubble’s heart has started beating in double time with mine. We’re six weeks in now and it seems just as precarious today as the first day we saw the other line.

I went to see my family doc for an OB referral. I asked him for someone who’s good with the nervous.  He asked me when I thought my nerves would subside. I told him maybe in about 9 months or so. It remains to be seen if the Baby Doc is as understanding as my Doc lead me to believe.

We’ll find out next friday.

I imagine with every beat of that teeny tiny heart, my heart grows just a little more. I hope we get the chance to find out if the Bubble has enough room in there eight months from now, with my swollen heart taking up so much space.

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