Tag Archives: optimistic

JustinCases and IfWe’reNots

As most infertiles do, husband and I planned some things just in case it didn’t work. And we got excited about some things that we’d do if we’re not pregnant.

Now that we are – and will hopefully remain so for 36 more weeks, I’m feeling the slightest twinge at one of my just in case scenarios. And trying to figure out how to make our if we’re not happen if we are.

This first one has been on my mind for a few years. Please know that after a year of back pain and fertility treatments – not sure how I was planning to pull this off – figured I’d walk it? Anyway – got the charge on my credit card today that shows I’ve been accepted as an entry into the San Francisco Women’s Marathon. Yay me…except that at this rate, I’ll be about 36 weeks pregnant.

I’m not pulling out or canceling anything. If things don’t go my way, a good long walk might be just what I need. But after not being drawn in the lottery the 2 previous years I feel excited to have been selected. And conflicted about the fact that I feel more excited about NOT going this year.

The other one. The Big Ifwe’renot is our trip to the 2010 Winter Olympics. Tickets? Check! Place to stay? Check! Three month old baby? Wha…? Oh yes. I have been blubbering nonstop about the olympics since I started our application for tickets last October (funny – also a lottery). I wasn’t sure we’d get them as there were lots of folks who entered and came up empty handed. But we have tickets to 10 events, a friend to stay with and a huge love of the games. I am stoked to go. Just not sure we can make the trip with Bubble in tow.

We’re so far so good. We’re cautiously optimistic. But we’re also not counting our Bubbles before they’re hatched.

Soon the time will come to let go of all those justincases (we’ll paint the office neutral justincase it’s never anything but an office) and the ifwe’renots (if we’re not pregnant we’ll go to italy in June) and start thinking off all the ’causeweare’s. Cause we are pregnant, we have to decide if we’ll try to go to the olympics or sell our tickets…

Wonder when that time is?

And what are your JustinCases?

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Embracing Bubble

I spent an entire day ‘feeling’ pregnant. It was the first day since I first saw the second line that my whole day was free of anxiety. Well, maybe there was a little, but it wasn’t the dominant feeling.

I baked cupcakes for a baby shower then we went to the snazzy neighbourhood baby store to pick out a gift. We browsed and chatted about strollers and cloth vs disposable. Not in a certain way like it’s a sure thing, but more tangibly than ever before.

Next I went out with a dear friend visiting from out of town who is in the know. She brought me to a bookstore so she could buy me a gift- a pregnancy book, and shared her experience of early pregnancy.

Then off to the shower for a friend/ultimate frisbee teammate – a couple shower so Husband attended as well. I answered a lot of questions and endured sideways glances without giving up the secret. Though turning down drinks and not joining my ultimate frisbee teams this summer is likely a dead giveaway.

I’m sure the play by play of my day isn’t very exciting. But it was really exciting for me to have today. A day where Bubble felt both real and possible.

Not out of the woods yet. But settling in to this new reality.

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The other 2WW

Ultrasound has been booked – for 2 weeks from today…yup – another 2WW. This time, not to find out if we’re pregnant. But to find out if, after 7? weeks, we’re still pregnant.

The world is a cruel place. All we can do is believe that the Bubble is A-ok and wait, wait, wait. You think we’d be better at it by now.

In an effort not to sound ungrateful, without faith in the Bubble and a little crazy, I’m trying to embrace being pregnant (even though I’m scared shi.tle.ss that I won’t be for long). So today, in the spirit of being a pregnant lady I embraced what felt like seasicknes at my desk for about 2.5 hours in the afternoon. I embraced wanting my lunch so badly I could hear my stomach saying please, please – then as soon as I got a whiff of it being completely turned off and wanting something different. I ate about half of my second lunch – wasn’t interested in door #1 – then felt so full I was aching. (for about 30 min after which I was stomach-pain hungry all over again). I embraced having more pee breaks than some of the women from two floors down have smoke breaks.  And I embraced the thought of never embracing again as a hug I got at work today had my flaming chest begging for mercy.

I’ve spent so much time trying to get pregnant I’ve never given much thought to what it’s like to be pregnant. And the truth so far, 5 weeks in, is it’s really weird. Like weeeeeeird.

Wonder what’s in store for me next?

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Jumbled

I’m all jumbled up. I’m excited and terrified and cautious and elated all at once. The few people who know IRL are asking when they can officially congratulate me and I keep saying “when I’m holding a baby”. It’s so surreal. I know – i sound like a giant whiner. And trust me – I never in a million years thought I’d be the one who was too chicken to get stoked about everything that’s happening.

So in the interest of baby steps, here are the five things I’ve learned from google about my upcoming months if all goes as planned…

1. I’ll have a huge bump at my best friends wedding.

2. I can’t eat hot dogs.

3. My boobs aren’t going to feel better any time soon.

4. I won’t necessarily need new clothes for a few months – unless I start packing on pounds early as some girls do which would be normal. Though I might not – which would also be normal.

5. What to Expect when you’re expecting is full of all sorts of random unexpected things. Though really, what did I expect?

I did have one odd moment – while at the cheese shop someone was trying to give me a sample of bree. It’s good, so creamy, have to try it blah blah blah. And my ‘no thank you’s’ we’re working. So finally I said, “”I can’t. I’m pregnant.”

Huh. i just hope the Bubbles can make it through the long haul. Hold on tight Bubbles. It’s going to be a hellova ride.

Back Wednesday for beta #2 – we’ll see if the 218 jumps accordingly.

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Beta day tomorrow…

Kind of at a loss for words on this one. So I’ll steal someone else’s…

I bought a card for myself once when I was shopping for some occasion or other, with a heavy heart, shortly after my dad passed away. It’s one of those quote-y ones with the big type on the front.

It says “Everything will be ok in the end. If it’s not ok, then it’s not the end.”

I take those words with me tomorrow. All signs point to a positive result. Yet I am overrrun with worry.

So I just keep telling myself ‘everything will be ok in the end’…the numbers will be there. They’ll double as they’re supposed to. And if they don’t? If it’s not ok?

Well, I guess we’re just not finished yet. If it’s not ok, then it’s not the end.

I’ll update when I get word.

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Implants

It feels like I have them. They were always um…ample. But currently my cups runneth over. And they hurt like the dickens. But I find myself goosing them, almost without noticing – like a nervous tic – just to see if they’re still sore. It’s like when Bryan A.dams said “Hurts so good”. I wince every time I squeeze them, but them I smile cause they still hurt so the bubblebabies, (or at least one) are still hanging around.

It’s going to be a long ride, counting one day at a time till the middle of november. Though I have to say, setting mental milestones is helping me wrap my head around it.

1. blood test

2. repeat.

3. repeat.

4. Ultrasound – whenever that is.

5. 8 weeks from now when the nausea that’s all ready setting in takes a hike.

All I want right now is to count all the way to five one step at a time. with no major mishaps. And the great wall of bosom standing high and proud, two vast beacons of hope leading the way.

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Still Stuck

It’s been quite a day around here. There was much stick peeing and nervous giggling. The line is darker on the pink line one. There is a faint blue cross on the blue cross one. And, the digital one said the P word.

Beta is moved up to Monday.

Please, please sticky stick.

I have feelings this way and that about finding myeslf here but it’s late.

I’ll post a more in-depth dive into those tomorrow.

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2 Blasts Off

Just a quick note as I’m trying to put an end to a little post transfer twinging – we had a ‘textbook’ (according to the doc) transfer of two grade 1 blasts today. Won’t know if we have any snowbabies till tomorrow. Beta’s on the 18th.

Wore the new heart sock which got more than one smile and was there with my ‘cycle friend’ who went right after me and also had a great ET.

So – knocked up until further notice. Still trying to wrap my head around that. It’s rare that I get to be something I’ve never been before.

Let the wait (and the worry) begin. 14 days till beta.

Stick, babies stick.

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Gimme 5

Day 5 transfer it is. On Wednesday (time TBD) the little embies – or blasts as they should be by that point – come on home.

In case you were wondering:

(answers to some of the brilliant questions I’ve been asked by people IRL)

1. No, we won’t be transferring all six back to make me sexto-mom.

2. No, transferring two doesn’t guarantee we’ll get two babies (or one for that matter).

3. No, we won’t know the sex at this stage of the game.

4. Yes it will be great to have the wait over. (Not that it means the waiting is done – we switch one wait for another.)

5.  No, I can’t visit them in the lab tomorrow.

Right now we still have 6 little dudes in the lab – all are grade 1 and 2 (on a 1 to 5 scale with 1 being best). There are 3 9cell+, 1 7-8 cell and 2 6 cell.

Not sure I’ll get a report tomorrow – I think it’s just the time to come for transfer so likely won’t know any more till Wednesday.

Phew. Made it through another day. Hang in there little guys. We’re almost past this part.

PS : I got another award today and still can’t figure out how to get the little picture on my blog. That’s 2 I’m behind on. Can anybody help?

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Have my Cake and Eat it Too…

I have to say that when I decided the No-Baby Shower was a good idea I was a long way from where I am today. I was strung out on Lupron – had the threat of cancel at every turn and needed something to look forward to that wasn’t going to suddenly go away.

Then in the blink of an eye I found myself post ER with sweet little embies tucked away in the lab and my need to mark the occasion changed. Changed – but didn’t go away.

My camera got lost in the ‘mom’s coming over oh shit we’d better clean up around here scramble’ but I can describe my first official “NBS”.

I bought myself a gift on the interwebs and it arrived Friday afternoon while I was still floating on a sea of valium/morphine. New Rubber boots. Here, let me see if I can find a photo online.

boots

They’re super swell. Then I made chocolate cupcakes with mint icing for party food. I listened to Ingrid Michaelson as I savoured my cupcake and I had an inch (I swear, just an inch) of Cline – Zinfandel. I really miss wine.

And all the while I was supposed to be thinking about me and how it’s ok that we haven’t added to our family yet and  that doesn’t make me any less deserving of some pampering – I couldn’t keep my mind off our little embies.

(Which doesn’t bode well for all the swearing up and down that if I had a baby I would be able to maintain a conversation about something not related to said child)

So here’s the report: Of the 6 we had yesterday – all 6 are still growing strong. All are grade 1 or 2 on a 1-5 scale with 1 being best. 5 are 3-4 cells which is right where they should be and the 6th is a bit ahead.

As my friend Janice said this morning… (she’s my buddy at the clinic who’s ER and ET are the same days as mine and is the exact mirror of my cycle including estrogen levels as we stimmed, number of follicles retrieved and fertilized and number still going strong today) I am more pregnant than I have ever been to my knowledge.

I am the mother of 24 cells – give or take. So I had a second cupcake to celebrate the majesty that will be returned to my care on Wednesday. I know there’s still a very long road. They may not make it through. But I feel so incredibly blessed to feel this joy.

A fab pair of boots. And 6 little fighters. I didn’t get one gift today. I got seven. Eight if you count the hope I thought had abandoned me.

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