As most infertiles do, husband and I planned some things just in case it didn’t work. And we got excited about some things that we’d do if we’re not pregnant.
Now that we are – and will hopefully remain so for 36 more weeks, I’m feeling the slightest twinge at one of my just in case scenarios. And trying to figure out how to make our if we’re not happen if we are.
This first one has been on my mind for a few years. Please know that after a year of back pain and fertility treatments – not sure how I was planning to pull this off – figured I’d walk it? Anyway – got the charge on my credit card today that shows I’ve been accepted as an entry into the San Francisco Women’s Marathon. Yay me…except that at this rate, I’ll be about 36 weeks pregnant.
I’m not pulling out or canceling anything. If things don’t go my way, a good long walk might be just what I need. But after not being drawn in the lottery the 2 previous years I feel excited to have been selected. And conflicted about the fact that I feel more excited about NOT going this year.
The other one. The Big Ifwe’renot is our trip to the 2010 Winter Olympics. Tickets? Check! Place to stay? Check! Three month old baby? Wha…? Oh yes. I have been blubbering nonstop about the olympics since I started our application for tickets last October (funny – also a lottery). I wasn’t sure we’d get them as there were lots of folks who entered and came up empty handed. But we have tickets to 10 events, a friend to stay with and a huge love of the games. I am stoked to go. Just not sure we can make the trip with Bubble in tow.
We’re so far so good. We’re cautiously optimistic. But we’re also not counting our Bubbles before they’re hatched.
Soon the time will come to let go of all those justincases (we’ll paint the office neutral justincase it’s never anything but an office) and the ifwe’renots (if we’re not pregnant we’ll go to italy in June) and start thinking off all the ’causeweare’s. Cause we are pregnant, we have to decide if we’ll try to go to the olympics or sell our tickets…
Wonder when that time is?
And what are your JustinCases?
I spent an entire day ‘feeling’ pregnant. It was the first day since I first saw the second line that my whole day was free of anxiety. Well, maybe there was a little, but it wasn’t the dominant feeling.
I baked cupcakes for a baby shower then we went to the snazzy neighbourhood baby store to pick out a gift. We browsed and chatted about strollers and cloth vs disposable. Not in a certain way like it’s a sure thing, but more tangibly than ever before.
Next I went out with a dear friend visiting from out of town who is in the know. She brought me to a bookstore so she could buy me a gift- a pregnancy book, and shared her experience of early pregnancy.
Then off to the shower for a friend/ultimate frisbee teammate – a couple shower so Husband attended as well. I answered a lot of questions and endured sideways glances without giving up the secret. Though turning down drinks and not joining my ultimate frisbee teams this summer is likely a dead giveaway.
I’m sure the play by play of my day isn’t very exciting. But it was really exciting for me to have today. A day where Bubble felt both real and possible.
Not out of the woods yet. But settling in to this new reality.
Ultrasound has been booked – for 2 weeks from today…yup – another 2WW. This time, not to find out if we’re pregnant. But to find out if, after 7? weeks, we’re still pregnant.
The world is a cruel place. All we can do is believe that the Bubble is A-ok and wait, wait, wait. You think we’d be better at it by now.
In an effort not to sound ungrateful, without faith in the Bubble and a little crazy, I’m trying to embrace being pregnant (even though I’m scared shi.tle.ss that I won’t be for long). So today, in the spirit of being a pregnant lady I embraced what felt like seasicknes at my desk for about 2.5 hours in the afternoon. I embraced wanting my lunch so badly I could hear my stomach saying please, please – then as soon as I got a whiff of it being completely turned off and wanting something different. I ate about half of my second lunch – wasn’t interested in door #1 – then felt so full I was aching. (for about 30 min after which I was stomach-pain hungry all over again). I embraced having more pee breaks than some of the women from two floors down have smoke breaks. And I embraced the thought of never embracing again as a hug I got at work today had my flaming chest begging for mercy.
I’ve spent so much time trying to get pregnant I’ve never given much thought to what it’s like to be pregnant. And the truth so far, 5 weeks in, is it’s really weird. Like weeeeeeird.
Wonder what’s in store for me next?
I’m all jumbled up. I’m excited and terrified and cautious and elated all at once. The few people who know IRL are asking when they can officially congratulate me and I keep saying “when I’m holding a baby”. It’s so surreal. I know – i sound like a giant whiner. And trust me – I never in a million years thought I’d be the one who was too chicken to get stoked about everything that’s happening.
So in the interest of baby steps, here are the five things I’ve learned from google about my upcoming months if all goes as planned…
1. I’ll have a huge bump at my best friends wedding.
2. I can’t eat hot dogs.
3. My boobs aren’t going to feel better any time soon.
4. I won’t necessarily need new clothes for a few months – unless I start packing on pounds early as some girls do which would be normal. Though I might not – which would also be normal.
5. What to Expect when you’re expecting is full of all sorts of random unexpected things. Though really, what did I expect?
I did have one odd moment – while at the cheese shop someone was trying to give me a sample of bree. It’s good, so creamy, have to try it blah blah blah. And my ‘no thank you’s’ we’re working. So finally I said, “”I can’t. I’m pregnant.”
Huh. i just hope the Bubbles can make it through the long haul. Hold on tight Bubbles. It’s going to be a hellova ride.
Back Wednesday for beta #2 – we’ll see if the 218 jumps accordingly.
Kind of at a loss for words on this one. So I’ll steal someone else’s…
I bought a card for myself once when I was shopping for some occasion or other, with a heavy heart, shortly after my dad passed away. It’s one of those quote-y ones with the big type on the front.
It says “Everything will be ok in the end. If it’s not ok, then it’s not the end.”
I take those words with me tomorrow. All signs point to a positive result. Yet I am overrrun with worry.
So I just keep telling myself ‘everything will be ok in the end’…the numbers will be there. They’ll double as they’re supposed to. And if they don’t? If it’s not ok?
Well, I guess we’re just not finished yet. If it’s not ok, then it’s not the end.
I’ll update when I get word.
It feels like I have them. They were always um…ample. But currently my cups runneth over. And they hurt like the dickens. But I find myself goosing them, almost without noticing – like a nervous tic – just to see if they’re still sore. It’s like when Bryan A.dams said “Hurts so good”. I wince every time I squeeze them, but them I smile cause they still hurt so the bubblebabies, (or at least one) are still hanging around.
It’s going to be a long ride, counting one day at a time till the middle of november. Though I have to say, setting mental milestones is helping me wrap my head around it.
1. blood test
4. Ultrasound – whenever that is.
5. 8 weeks from now when the nausea that’s all ready setting in takes a hike.
All I want right now is to count all the way to five one step at a time. with no major mishaps. And the great wall of bosom standing high and proud, two vast beacons of hope leading the way.
It’s been quite a day around here. There was much stick peeing and nervous giggling. The line is darker on the pink line one. There is a faint blue cross on the blue cross one. And, the digital one said the P word.
Beta is moved up to Monday.
Please, please sticky stick.
I have feelings this way and that about finding myeslf here but it’s late.
I’ll post a more in-depth dive into those tomorrow.