Tag Archives: thank you

Implants

It feels like I have them. They were always um…ample. But currently my cups runneth over. And they hurt like the dickens. But I find myself goosing them, almost without noticing – like a nervous tic – just to see if they’re still sore. It’s like when Bryan A.dams said “Hurts so good”. I wince every time I squeeze them, but them I smile cause they still hurt so the bubblebabies, (or at least one) are still hanging around.

It’s going to be a long ride, counting one day at a time till the middle of november. Though I have to say, setting mental milestones is helping me wrap my head around it.

1. blood test

2. repeat.

3. repeat.

4. Ultrasound – whenever that is.

5. 8 weeks from now when the nausea that’s all ready setting in takes a hike.

All I want right now is to count all the way to five one step at a time. with no major mishaps. And the great wall of bosom standing high and proud, two vast beacons of hope leading the way.

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Caution Tape

I feel like I’m in a sticky situation. I want to be jumping up and down. After 2 1/2 years of trying shouldn’t I be over the moon? Instead I’m wandering around alternating between utter disbelief and abject terror.

I’m still so shocked. I genuinely did not believe we’d ever get here. I figured we’d do all we could and then accept our life.

And now that we’ve made it 10 steps past never, I can’t imagine never having had these last 2 days. And I’m terrified that it won’t last. And that I’ll be back to never before you know it.

Proceed with caution is the sign flashing in my head. I view being pregnant as a ‘right now’ thing – completely separate from having a baby. I don’t feel like I’m having a baby. That’s something that happens to people who succeed in being preggo. Me? I’m just a rookie.

It’s like I’ve been to a thousand job interviews for a position that ‘those people’ get and I don’t. Except I catch a break. And get hired. On a day-to-day basis. We’ll see how it goes. If it goes well, you can come back tomorrow.

Will it get easier? Will I get to be thrilled? Will it end? Soon? In a tempest of tears?

Shit. I’m mad at infertility today – for robbing me of the chance to be blissful about this.

Don’t get me wrong – I’m happy – I’m flabbergasted. But I’m also afraid and concerned and madly in love with something that’s now the size of a poppy-seed. And I don’t want anything to come between me and the bubblebabies.

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Thank you very much

First order of business is to address the two awards I’ve been lovingly given in the past week.

First,

honest_scrap_award1

Please excuse my tardiness on this one. It was given to me by WhatIF
and I gratefully accept.

So it comes with homework.

Here’s the scoop:

The rules:
1) Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find brilliant in content or design.

2) Show the 7 winners names and links on your blog, and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with “Honest Scrap.” Well, there’s no prize, but they can keep the nifty icon.

3) List at least 10 honest things about yourself.

So, in reverse order…

10 Honest things about me

1. Popcorn is my favourite food.

2. My car has a name – Rocky – and since the day I got him I have referred to him as “my special guy”. When I met my husband that title did not transfer to him.

3. One of my cats snores. Alot. Really loud.

4. I had the pleasure of sitting in the Captain’s chair on the set of Enteprise.

5. Ultimate frisbee makes be very happy but I haven’t been able to play since I hurt my back last March.

6. Sometimes I really dislike people.

7. I sing. Outloud. Often. Badly.

8. I really love the feeling of kneaded bread before it starts to rise. I’ve been baking it since I was a little girl.

9. I can’t sleep on Christmas Eve I still get so excited about Christmas morning.

10. I stop to watch firetrucks go by and wave to the firemen.

Now for the blogs. Some of these may have already been awarded but those people are probably just extra awesome.

1. CD 1

2. The Barreness’s Blog

3. May the Road Rise

4. Forcing Seeds

5. Conceive This

6. All Grown Up

7. It’s a Zoo Around Here

Phew. Ok – now award # 2

sisterhood_award1 I know I’m supposed to post a bunch more blogs. But I only have one to add to the list above. I’m nominating my friend over at My Baby Making Journey. We’re not just cycle buddies but cycle twins. And I wouldn’t have gotten through this without her.

We’re at the same clinic and are now friends on and off the interwebs.

Tomorrow at 9 (me) and 9:15 (her) will have our day 5 transfers.

Yippee. It’s my last night before I’m PUPO. Have never been pregnant before. But I’ll be pregnant tomorrow. At least for a while. And I’m thrilled. And I’m terrified. And I just can’t wait.

Big day tomorrow. Not sure I’ll sleep a wink. I’ll file a report in the AM on how many made it to blast and how it goes.

Sleep tight little guys. We’ll see you tomorrow.

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I hope you dance

First, my apologies for the lack of iclw comments today. I’m kind of freaking out about the retrieval but I’ll do double duty tomorrow. I also got an award today that I haven’t posted up here,  given proper thanks for or done the work what comes with – again apologies. I’ll do a great job of that tomorrow too. Along with a full ER report.

Tonight – I just want to write a quick note to the follicles that hold the eggs that tomorrow will meet their loving fathers’ contribution and hopefully fertilise, begin to grow, hang in there long enough to come back to us, tuck in for the long haul and eventually become a smiling, clapping, dancing part of our family.

That’s a lot to ask of a tiny little follice. It’s a big, big ask. And I’m not sure if you’re actually holding any eggs. And if you are, I don’t know if all the rest of that long list is even possible.

But if it is. If there’s a chance you’re holding a little ray of hope in there – do me a favour… Give it all you’ve got. I know it’s going to be quite a ride. There will be all sorts of things standing in your way. It’ll be scary too, just a microscopic little tigg like you out there in the world all alone.

But don’t let that get to you. You’ve got a little job to do and if you do it well – there’ll be all kinds of way more fun adventures in your future. There’ll be snowflakes and star fish, and ice cream and balloons full of stuff you can’t see, but when your Dad breathes it in, he talks funny. So many things I can’t even list them off.

So when you’re faced with the choice tomorrow to give up a little eggie or hold tight – give it up.

And little eggie – when you meet a fellow and you’re not quite sure about him – give him a chance, you could be great together.

We could all be great together. I’m sure I’ll ask you to do a zillion things – but this one, this first one…it counts the most. Just get us started. Fight your way  against the odds. Take the chance to be something extraordinary.  And if you get the choice to sit it out or dance  -Dance!

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The best club I never wanted to join

So I’ve had some traffic to ye ole blog here, and some lovely comments from people who genuinely get how I feel. And I’m starting to find my way to other stories/other lives that are similarly complicated/heart-breaking/inspiring/full of a love yet to be realized and I don’t feel so alone anymore.

Remember that blind melon video? No Rain. With the bee girl? No, it’s on youtube…here, let me help. Just give me a sec.

Ok, I’m back – not sure if I’m allowed to do this but check it out.

So that Bee girl in the video. That was me. Wandering around in my infertile outfit. Feeling out of place and emotionally out of touch. Feeling a bit lost even in a room full of people who love me.

Until I found all the other bee people. The other women who also feel lost. Sure, some feel despair. And some feel hope. And some feel jilted. And some feel like it’s just a matter of time. And I think all of us feel all these things and more at some point or another.

If there was an internet version of being really drunk outside a bar at 2 am with a bunch of people who barely know you but totally “get you” and cause you to throw your arms around them and yell out “I love you guys”. This is kind of it. I know I don’t know you. I haven’t had the time to read all your stories from start to now. There are oodles of women here on the interweb, infertiles, Bee People I haven’t had the pleasure to get to know…yet.

I wish with all get out that none of us were part of this club. I wish it had no members at all. But I do admit that for a long time I felt like the only member. And now I know I am not alone. There are other Bee people. Good Bee People

I am really glad I found you.

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