Tag Archives: grief

Three is not a crowd. But it will have to do.

Here we are again. At the brink. Just got the call saying we will trigger tonight. There are 3 eggs that look good and we’re not going to take any chances of losing those. We’re a day earlier than planned and 2 days earlier than previous cycles.
I’m having a really hard time mustering up any joy for the upcoming retrieval. And I don’t believe in my heart of hearts there will be a transfer.
I haven’t been here before. I’ve been nervous. Cautiously optimistic. Hopeful?
Now I feel like I’m just finishing something because I started it. Can’t leave a book half read or a bed half made.
I’m chest crushingly sad that things aren’t looking better and that I can’t seem to find the bright side.
I realize it only takes one. And three is 2 more than that.
I know it. I just don’t feel it.

1 Comment

Filed under 3rd ivf, ivf

12 weeks day after tomorrow

…or it would have been.
12 weeks.
I feel like I have less right than others to feel this heart break. I mean, I have one right? And every one keeps telling me that. Is that the case? Or does it just mean that I know the real value of what I lost.
That I know that I lost.
I know I lost the feeling of sharing the news. And sharing myself with someone else and feeling them grow and change and become some one. A person. My person.
Tomorrow was supposed to be the last day of notverywellconcealed secrets. Now it will be just another day that takes me further from. Further and further from.
Sigh. Another mark in the time line of my life. The days before. The days after.
Instead of 12 weeks day after tomorrow, I have two weeks since the first day after. And the count of all the days after began.


Filed under ivf

never never

I’m having a hard time. I’ll admit it. I’m alright when I’m safe at home where Baby Olive was a real thing that happened to everyone who lives in the house. But outside my own little world it hits home to me that Olive will never be part of the world at large. Never go to the grocery store. Never go to my office. Outside of my walls it’s like Olive wasn’t. The baby didn’t exist to anyone out there. There are no remnants or reminders. No spit up stains. No lingering objects or lasting memories. No one can say “Oh that baby, I think I caught a glimpse of that baby.” There were no glimpses. Not one. The world will never, never remember Olive. And it’s breaking my heart to know that I can’t expect it to.


Filed under ivf

You slipped through our hands

Dear Olive,

Every time I hear the bridge of the song Sandcastles by Justin Roberts I tear up thinking of you. Which, considering it’s the only song your brother wants to have sung to him at bedtime, is often.

“We didn’t want you to go.
We just thought you should know.
She slipped through our hands,
just like a balloon
returns to the sky.
So Dad and I
knew you’d be
somewhere out in the sea,
in a million sandcastles to be.”

We had big plans, Olive. Big big plans. And they all got washed away. I only want to be the places we never went together. And I only want to be the places we’ve been. I want to keep you here with me forever. And I want to let you go too. It’s been a hard, hard week Olive. I miss you.

Love Mommy

Leave a comment

Filed under ivf

it begins, the end.

Dear Olive,

Child of my heart. You’ll go from me today, but you’ll never leave me.

I’m so sorry we’ll never meet.

I love you very much.



Filed under ivf

it’ s bad news today, she said.

Dear Bubble2 – I learned today that your heart stopped beating and you stopped growing at 7w6d. That means you’ve been with me a week and a half and all this time I’ve been talking to you and patting your home and loving you and you were already gone.
I’ve been thinking up names and trying to guess if you’re a boy or a girl and living like you’re coming and you weren’t ever coming. And you weren’t still living.
So sad. I’m so sad to have to say goodbye to you. You were loved and wanted and cherished already even though you were just a little bean, or blueberry or olive or whatever you were when you started to not be. You maybe couldn’t hear us, but we called you Olive this week – as that’s the size you were supposed to be, but it looks like you never quite got there.
I used to say I could never get pregnant enough to lose a baby and I couldn’t imagine how horrible it would feel. Now that I have, I think perhaps the feeling i had not being able to get pregnant at all was better. Though that’s easy for me to say when Bubble1 is here after all that heartache and wonderful.
I suppose these few blissful weeks prior to today, this awful day, have been one of the great joys in my life. So I thank you for that joy, even though it has to end in such sorrow. And for that, I know that not being able to get pregnant is not better. I suppose that’s where the whole “better to have loved and lost” thing comes from. I tell you Bubble2, I have more than once questioned the validity of that statement.
We believed you were our last hope for another. We certainly don’t have the means or perhaps the fortitude to carry on. Though it breaks my heart to say good bye to you and to my hopes too so I reserve the right to change my mind on this issue.
I knew about 2 min into our ultrasound that things were not going right. The tech acted strangely. She told me to wait till the end for the results. I noticed her eyes welled up as she scanned. My tears started long before there was an absolute confirmation and even as they were streaming down my face a small part of me thought she would say – phew – there’s the heartbeat.
But no. It’s bad news today, the nurse said.
Bad news indeed.
It’s bad news to learn you have to say goodbye to someone who isn’t but is as loved as anyone who walks the earth.
I’ve done my fair share of losing in my life so I should be getting better at it. Not so, it seems.
Alas, my heart is broken open all over again. For you sweet Olive – lost, but not forgotten. Never forgotten.


Filed under ivf

The Others

Sad news on our remaining 4 little fellers. All arrested so we’ve nothing to freeze.

Here are 4 things I feel about that.

1. This means if this cycle doesn’t turn out as we hope we have to start at the beginning. A thought that’s hard to comprehend at this time.

2. I feel more pressure for a BFP – as if there wasn’t enough of that already.

3. I wanted them to make it – I was rooting for them to pull through and I’m disappointed I didn’t make them strong enough to do so.

4. They were only part of my life for 6 days, but I loved them. And now they’re gone. And it may seem ridiculous but it’s sad just the same.

Not much else to report. Except if the probability of success increases in proportion to the increase of my bust size, we’re laughing.



Filed under ivf

And then I cried at work…

Ok – so here’s a rather personal story that is adding to my up-and-down mood. This is kind of disjointed. My apologies.

So my Dad died in 2000. A heartbreaking turn of events that wasn’t unexpected but devastating just the same. He got Hep-C from a blood transfusion in the early 90’s and eventually it killed him. Very sad. Very frustrating. And it made me very angry.

To add insult to injury, due to the date of his transfusion, he was ineligible for the major compensation packages that were offered to other folks. Until now. So after 8 years, he’s (well, my sister and I have) finally received the go-ahead for compensation for the gross oversight on the part of the Red Cross that resulted in his death (and the death of thousands more).

What does this have to do with IVF?  Well, today said cheque arrived – exactly one week before we’re due to pay for IVF #1. So after all this time, my Dad has provided for me once again. He was a single parent of two girls – an unusual position to have found himself in during the seventies. He took me to Mother/Daughter banquets, Mother’s Day Teas, took me to get my first ‘brassiere (I don’t even know how to spell brassiere)…and by took me I mean delivered me into the arms of the busty, glasses on a string around her neck sales woman at Sears, handed her his credit card, stuttered a bit and went off to find a coffee. When I was thinking about it the other day, I realized I never needed anything while he was around. I had a roof over my head, a car to drive when I needed it, clothes, food, an education, cool stuff I wanted more than I needed.

But starting a family. That’s a need I feel in my very core. It’s more than a want. And figuring out how to make it work moneywise was hard, but we had a plan. Little sacrifice here. Cut back there.

We’ve been waiting for this to be finalized for 8 years. Could have come any time. But the cheque has come now. In my time of need. And I am grateful for the timing. And I am thankful that the folks responsible have stepped up and taken responsibility.

But dammit – it’s also made me angry all over again. I miss him. Still. He’s the best Grandpa a kid never had.

He was Santa Claus and Superman in one. And has swooped in to rescue me and my husband (who he never had the pleasure to meet) again. Eight and a half years after we said good-bye for good.

I’m not a big one for signs. But if there was ever a moment to say ‘it’s a sign’ – this is it!

Thanks Dad. For everything. For every day I had the pleasure of your faith in me. Cross your fingers for us ok? I hope I’ll have the opportunity to be half the parent you were.

I miss you. Still. Every day. Especially today.


Filed under Uncategorized