Tag Archives: D&C

12 weeks day after tomorrow

…or it would have been.
12 weeks.
I feel like I have less right than others to feel this heart break. I mean, I have one right? And every one keeps telling me that. Is that the case? Or does it just mean that I know the real value of what I lost.
That I know that I lost.
I know I lost the feeling of sharing the news. And sharing myself with someone else and feeling them grow and change and become some one. A person. My person.
Tomorrow was supposed to be the last day of notverywellconcealed secrets. Now it will be just another day that takes me further from. Further and further from.
Sigh. Another mark in the time line of my life. The days before. The days after.
Instead of 12 weeks day after tomorrow, I have two weeks since the first day after. And the count of all the days after began.


Filed under ivf

it begins, the end.

Dear Olive,

Child of my heart. You’ll go from me today, but you’ll never leave me.

I’m so sorry we’ll never meet.

I love you very much.



Filed under ivf

It’s the hope…

Loss. End. Final. I’m waiting for it to be done and done. D&C tomorrow then nothing.
What remains are the memories of going to bed talking quietly in the dark – is it a boy or girl? What will it be like? Don’t forget to say goodnight to Olive. The joy of seeing that second line emerge for the first time in the white nothing of the window after 2 minutes that seemed like 2 hours then waiting 6 hours that seemed like 6 months to test again to see if it would happen again, and again, and again.

I wish I had never wondered what we’d name it or thought about how we’d care for it or arranged the furniture in the room in my mind. Now I look in and only see what I wanted it to be. Only remember the 7 weeks it was, not all the time before when it wasn’t.
I’m coming to terms with the physical reality. I’m choosing to accept that this happens and that there was likely nothing I could have done. It’s a pointless game guessing – what I could have done differently? – And if he or she was not going to be well enough to make it all the way to the end of the pregnancy – better now than later.
I’m alright with the tears and the sadness and the pain. They’re almost comforting.
I know I’ll recover and my body will forget it was ever here.
It’s what could have been that’s keeping me up at night.
It’s the hope that kills you.


Filed under ivf

at least

At least it didn’t go further then end the same way
at least it didn’t happen in the middle of nowhere on our holiday
at least i wasn’t at the office
at least i did the best i could
at least i’m not alone
at least there are other people who understand how i feel
at least
at least
at least is not really helping yet. maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

decided on a d&c. booked for thursday. now i wait. a warm home for my lost little one for 2 more days.

at least i have this time to prepare to say a final goodbye.


Filed under ivf