Tag Archives: baby bump

Things I hope I remember if I ever have a baby…

The temperature is warming up. And I forgot that warmer weather means the return of life to my neighbourhood. This includes the baby brigade. We live in a pretty yuppie neighbourhood – great if you have a baby. Not so great if you want one and can’t seem to have one. Of course, when we moved here, we figured we’d fit right in in no time. Apparently not. I had conveniently forgotten  – over the long very cold winter – about the babyrotti that roam the streets in the hood.

Long story short – they’re out in full force. Now those with bumps last year are pushing strollers and a bumper crop of new expectants are strolling around flaunting their fertile selves.

Apparently I have grown colder as time wears on – or this Lupron is turning me into a mega-bit.ch because these were my observations today. Don’t hate me because I’m miserable.

1. We’re in a Sta.rbu.cks so the drink everyone is holding is very hot. Maybe a toddler shouldn’t be dancing right now.

2. Maybe people under 3 feet shouldn’t be crossing behind a car with reverse lights on when mom and dad are trying to get child 2 out of the car.

3. It is cute when children stand in the middle of the sidewalk. It’s not cute when 2 parents with giant empty stoller stand in the middle of the side walk to reflect on the cuteness.

4. Strangers don’t always love to see your kids try and try to open a door by themselves when they are all lined up to exit said door.

5. Fertile people don’t rule the freakin’ world.

Ok, there, I said it.

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The Glass is Half Full – say it with me now…

So I’ve been bitching and moaning all week.  And it’s a sad truth that the more I bitch and moan, the bitchier and moanier (?) I get. So today ? Today is my glass half full day.

For starters, the wait for my first IVF is almost over. Thank god. The wait has been killing me. All the uncertainty and the fear of  screwing up the injections and having the cycle canceled and so on and so on only get worse when it’s all I think about day after day. So – wait almost over. Time to stop worrying and start channeling positivity. There is a chance this is going to work. I need to focus on that chance – and not the chance…never mind. Not even going to say it.

Next – I really like my new clinic. My last one just made me feel worse and worse at time went on. So if I’m going to have to spend lots of time in compromising positions it will be at a place I like.

I have a great partner through all of this – I’m very lucky to have met my husband and to have his unwaivering support on every step of our journey.

Not everyone I know is pregnant and the ones that are? Well, they’re all getting pretty chunky… It’s not nice – but it’s true. And  if I’m ever pregnant and someone around me isn’t but wants to be, I hope I have the courtesy to pack on a few pounds so they can glean a little joy from the situation.

I really like babies. And I’d really like to have one now. And I have done everything that was asked of me, and I have waited my turn (not patiently but waited) and I am ready to be loving, caring and nurturing. I am ready to take on the task of taking a tiny little person and parenting him or her into a great human being. I’m ready be up all night. I’m ready to worry that I’m f#(%ing them up. I’m ready.

For some months last year I lost hope. I couldn’t see a future that included a new member in our family. I couldn’t imagine it finally working. I was ready to give up. But I have hope renewed. Energy to channel into a positive outcome. And a dream of being a mother that I won’t let go of. Not yet.

THE GLASS IS HALF FULL. Maybe one day it’ll fill all the way to the top. Though a full glass is a lot easier to spill. And I can’t afford to let any of this hope run out.

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Ready to hit play.

One of the things I find most discouraging about being infertile is how it’s like someone has hit the pause button on my life. Do I want to go on vacation? Hmmm, well I’d love to but…I could be cycling. Could be (please let me be) pregnant. Could be mourning a lost cycle. Might need tests. So no to vacation. How about a new job? Well, I might be interested except – Try a new sport? Well I’d hate to spend the money then find I couldn’t…

It’s like everything that moves me forward, personally or professionally is on hiatus. Maybe I’m too cautious. Or maybe I haven’t quite grasped that I should just live my life and see what happens. It’s so frustrating. See, if we were expecting, all the concessions would seem totally worth it. No drinking. No taking up something new and potentially harmful, mat leave’s coming – no need to change work.

Instead I feel like I’m living month to month. And every month it feels like it’s ok because it’s all going to change and then it will be ok. And then it doesn’t change. And then 3 months, a year, two years have gone by, month to month and nothing has changed.

I realized at the last party I went to that I’m boring to talk to. I used to be interesting – trying new things, returning from grand adventures, running marathons and meeting the man of my dreams.  Now – don’t want to talk about babies, family, no babies or anything that might lead to talk of babies and the like. Haven’t done anything or been anywhere due to constraints around making babies the new fashioned way. Have been consumed by my laser focus on finally having a positive cycle – I’ve keep my eyes on the prize with unwavering tenacity. At great cost.

Cost to the tune of having lost just about everything that used to make me – well, me. I’m not sure which is making me sadder today- the fact that we haven’t been able to conceive up to this point and find ourselves at IVF’s door. Or that I’ve lost just about everything I used to love in the process.

-running, ulitmate frisbee, exploring, ice skating, roller blading, snowboarding – (wouldn’t want to be too active…)hanging out with my friends (with kids), hanging out with my friends (about to have kids), hanging out with my friends (trying to have kids), hanging out with my friends (who might be thinking about trying to have kids), having too many drinks on a random night for no good reason, going to work events to catch up with past colleagues (for all the reasons above in the friend categories), shooting the shizz about the future with my husband.

I had a good life. And I loved it. And I miss it. And yes – I want a baby more than I want that life. But I’m not sure how much longer I can stand having no baby and no life. I don’t like feeling frozen in place. On pause.

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The results are in…

See that dot dot dot up there? That’s because my DH got a call this AM that the clinic has the results back from his SA and they’ve booked an appointment on friday to discuss. DISCUSS? This cycle is supposed to start in 2 weeks. Is there something we need to talk about? I am completely freaked out.

I have been waiting. And waiting. And waiting for this cycle to start. Could they not have given some indication of good news or bad news on the phone? Sheesh.

Sent them an email. Stay tuned.

Sorry to leave you hanging there. Sent an email to the clinic basically telling them I was freaking out. Then got a response asking if it was ok for them to call and for the best number to reach me at?!!!

At that point my head was surprisingly close to spinning off my body.I sent the number and received a call about 10 min later. The first thing the nurse told me was to calm down. From there, the jist of it is that DH has a lower than normal motility on this test, and that they call everyone with results under norm in for an appointment. The take away for me was that because we’re doing IVF it won’t be a problem. Just wanted him to be aware. All in all, I felt really good about the exchange. Glad that I could freak out a bit and that they took the care to calm me down. It was miles better than any interaction I had with the previous clinic we were attending.

So the results are in. I am very glad we left the last clinic and am happy we’ve chosen them to help us in our quest.

Only 2 weeks till the ‘shoot ’em up begins. Time moves very slowly these days.

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Speed Bumps

So I’m having a little trouble navigating the tricky world of pregnant friends right now. It seems that yes,  pregnancy is the most important thing in their worlds and my world but, I tell you, nothing brings a conversation which includes a pregnant woman to a screeching halt like the mention of fertility treatments. Infertility. The anti-pregnant.

Now I am a big girl and can admit that pregnant strangers are people I don’t like. And pregnant acquaintances, co-workers, friends of friends and so on, well I’m not really keen on them either. So they have been easy to avoid. But my pregnant friends? I like them. Not even the writhing mass of the green monster I try keep quiet in my handbag can make me turn on them (though when they first tell me that they’ve joined the other side I generally need a moment or a day to cry it out – heck, I’m only human). But I’m having a hard time talking to them.

My days are filled with research on fertility treatments, mourning negative cycles, mustering hope for the cycle to come. Trying to figure where we’re going to find 10 G’s to fund our expansion from couple to family, oh and then the next 10 G’s if we want to try again. Thinking about needles, and needles and needles and that lovely ultrasound wand that has explored more of my nethers than the varsity soccer team that lived on my floor in second year and has yet to buy  me so much as a coffee in return.

Their days are filled with kicks and expanding waistlines and prepping for mat leave and baby names and should they teach sign language? and I’m just not sure what to say.

In a group of pregnants, me, the anti-pregnant, and the neutrals, everyone is uncomfortable. They want to hear how I’m doing but don’t want to talk about the dark side with the glowing in the room. They want to hear about the pregnancy but don’t want to upset the barren. Speed bumps in conversation at every turn.

I made a pact with myself to come out of hiding (these last few negative cycles took their toll on me) and get out there and spend time with my friends. Then I started this blog. Because after a couple of weeks of friend time I realized I had much to say – and it’s all stuff they’d rather not hear.

Now you may be thinking, that’s not true, they’re your friends and want to support you. But nothing makes someone who’s not going through this – especially someone who got pregnant the old fashioned way on month 2 of trying – want to talk about the weather more than the confession that you’re nervous about the egg retrieval because having a needle stuck up your who-ha, through your who-ha, into your what-nots is scary. And more scary is finding there’s nothing in your what-nots to retrieve.

Speed bumps I tell you.

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