Tag Archives: endo

Good Riddance

Dear Pill,

It’s over. I knew when we got back together that is wasn’t what I really wanted but you know, how sometimes, you just go along with things? Well, I did what was right for me at the time, and now, we’re through.

When we first got together all those years ago, I fell in love with you. You were part of my coming of age story, you brought freedom and joy and I’ll always remember you for that.

After those first years we were a little hot and cold. The things that made you bad for me became more apparent. You made me feel bad. Made me moody and weepy and blue. We parted ways.

And then, we tried again for a while after I was first diagnosed with endo. But my heart just wasn’t in it any more. You brought more bad than good and we said good bye again.

Sometimes I wish we’d stayed that way, but we didn’t. We’d try and things wouldn’t work out. But I never gave up the hope that we’d make it through.

We’d had a good clean break for quite some time. And I can say with all honesty that I thought we were done. Until fate, and big fat cysts brought us together again.

I would have dropped you months ago – loved you and left you after the cysts were cleared  but fate had other plans for us. Schedules. The holidays. Timing

After today, we won’t be together anymore. And I hope you don’t take it the wrong way when I say I really hope I never have to see you again. I know it’s a cliche but it’s not you, it’s me. You give millions of people exactly what they need. Really, It’s not that you’re bad, Pill. It’s just that you’re bad for me. You’re standing between me and the life that I want. As long as you’re here with me, that life can never be.

So good -bye and good riddance. Today is the end of my life with you. Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life. If you every loved me Pill, even a little, you’ll go away now and never, never look back.

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Filed under endo, infertility, ivf

The internet should use it’s power for good…

Instead of evil. Like yesterday, when I was researching the endometrial biopsy I’m having tomorrow and found these comments.

Go ahead. Scroll down to the comments. Apparently I’m walking into labour – you know- without the whole ‘finally get pregnant after all this time, carry successfully to term, have a natural birth then get to go home with a brand new baby thing’. No, just the labour.

I get that people feel the need to warn people so they have an idea what to expect – but my god people – now I’m terrified. Was that really, really necessary?

Right after my mock transfer/endometrial (LABOUR) biopsy, I get to part with enough money to buy a decent car, have a clinic appointment with my nurse to learn how to stab myself one or more times a day and head to the pharmacy to gleefully hand over enough for a second car.

I’d love to know how anyone who has just endured the worst pain of their life is supposed to check 3 things off the big to-do list in the 45 min that follow.

I hope that perhaps those who aren’t used to all the kings horses and all the kings men busting in past the cervix are perhaps more likely to feel great pain.

And maybe they didn’t have the pleasure of a full blatter ultrasound at the same time to keep their minds occupied.

I sure hope that’s the case. Because they want to investigate the cramping of my cervix at the same time – during the mock transfer – which I’m guessing means no drugs for me.

I’ll report back. I’ll be very honest. But not too honest. Because I will use the power vested in me by the interweb for good. And not evil.

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Is Parentsville accepting new residents?

Injection school. Mock transfer. Endometrial biopsy. A few short months ago – I didn’t really know what any of those things were. I’ve spent the last month willing time to past more quickly so I could just start already. Now that it’s the day after tomorrow, I’m nervous.

I’ll finally be in the thick of it. Good. But once it’s here, it can start going badly. The injections might be more painful than I expected. What if the biopsy shows yet another setback? What if the mock transfer doesn’t go well? The cycle gets cancelled? The cycle doesn’t get cancelled but still doesn’t work?

What if it doesn’t work? I really want it to work. I am channelling everything I can into ‘it will work’. I haven’t really spent much time wrapping my head around another BFN.

I thought I was ready for this IVF but I’m not sure I am. I’m not ready for it not to work.

We put one foot in front of the other I suppose, trudging along on the path to parenthood. All around us other couples are carried on magic carpets or winged ponies or Lear jets to the destination while we crawl on our hands and knees (not an easy task with your feet in stirrups) towards the endpoint. The thing is, I’m not sure the door will be open to me when we arrive at the gate.

Are we there yet? Is it much further? No one can answer. And it makes it harder to keep going when you know in the darkest parts of your heart that the truth of the matter is this. Despite being able to see the glow of Parentsville way off in the distance, no matter how much I want to finally be there, I may never, never arrive.

So I’m nervous to start on the next part of the trip. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to come back to who I am now-pre-IVF. But I don’t know if I’ll ever get to Parentsville either. I fear getting caught forever on the muddy part in between.

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Put your glad rags on…

Five reasons why I’m glad I went out tonight in costume (I was dressed up like a regular -you know- fertile person)

1. the new dress I bought today for the occasion of my best friends birthday made me feel like a million bucks – nothing like the dresses I bought 2 years ago thinking ‘should I even buy this? I mean, I could be pregnant any time and it may never fit me again’. This one may be a one hit wonder – but I bought it special. I wore it special. And you know what? I felt special.

2. I didn’t say no thank you – I can’t drink that, or evade or make excuses. I HAD MORE THAN ONE GLASS OF WINE! Hell, I only had one on my own birthday. I had water. I didn’t go nuts. I didn’t make an ass of myself. I’m not planning to do it again any time soon, I had a normal social party amount of booze and I’m pretty sure nothing bad will happen to me – except maybe a headache tomorrow.

3. I had a date with my husband that had nothing to do with ‘US’ and it was nice. It was fun. I like him. I’m glad he’s my person. Sometimes in the middle of schedules and timing and appointments and all, that gets a little lost in the shuffle.

4. I laughed out loud and liked the sound.

5.  My ‘on the pill’ boobs are awesome and it’s been awhile since they got all tarted up and taken out for a night on the town.

All in all – highly recommended

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Filed under infertility, ivf

Ready to hit play.

One of the things I find most discouraging about being infertile is how it’s like someone has hit the pause button on my life. Do I want to go on vacation? Hmmm, well I’d love to but…I could be cycling. Could be (please let me be) pregnant. Could be mourning a lost cycle. Might need tests. So no to vacation. How about a new job? Well, I might be interested except – Try a new sport? Well I’d hate to spend the money then find I couldn’t…

It’s like everything that moves me forward, personally or professionally is on hiatus. Maybe I’m too cautious. Or maybe I haven’t quite grasped that I should just live my life and see what happens. It’s so frustrating. See, if we were expecting, all the concessions would seem totally worth it. No drinking. No taking up something new and potentially harmful, mat leave’s coming – no need to change work.

Instead I feel like I’m living month to month. And every month it feels like it’s ok because it’s all going to change and then it will be ok. And then it doesn’t change. And then 3 months, a year, two years have gone by, month to month and nothing has changed.

I realized at the last party I went to that I’m boring to talk to. I used to be interesting – trying new things, returning from grand adventures, running marathons and meeting the man of my dreams.  Now – don’t want to talk about babies, family, no babies or anything that might lead to talk of babies and the like. Haven’t done anything or been anywhere due to constraints around making babies the new fashioned way. Have been consumed by my laser focus on finally having a positive cycle – I’ve keep my eyes on the prize with unwavering tenacity. At great cost.

Cost to the tune of having lost just about everything that used to make me – well, me. I’m not sure which is making me sadder today- the fact that we haven’t been able to conceive up to this point and find ourselves at IVF’s door. Or that I’ve lost just about everything I used to love in the process.

-running, ulitmate frisbee, exploring, ice skating, roller blading, snowboarding – (wouldn’t want to be too active…)hanging out with my friends (with kids), hanging out with my friends (about to have kids), hanging out with my friends (trying to have kids), hanging out with my friends (who might be thinking about trying to have kids), having too many drinks on a random night for no good reason, going to work events to catch up with past colleagues (for all the reasons above in the friend categories), shooting the shizz about the future with my husband.

I had a good life. And I loved it. And I miss it. And yes – I want a baby more than I want that life. But I’m not sure how much longer I can stand having no baby and no life. I don’t like feeling frozen in place. On pause.

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The results are in…

See that dot dot dot up there? That’s because my DH got a call this AM that the clinic has the results back from his SA and they’ve booked an appointment on friday to discuss. DISCUSS? This cycle is supposed to start in 2 weeks. Is there something we need to talk about? I am completely freaked out.

I have been waiting. And waiting. And waiting for this cycle to start. Could they not have given some indication of good news or bad news on the phone? Sheesh.

Sent them an email. Stay tuned.

Sorry to leave you hanging there. Sent an email to the clinic basically telling them I was freaking out. Then got a response asking if it was ok for them to call and for the best number to reach me at?!!!

At that point my head was surprisingly close to spinning off my body.I sent the number and received a call about 10 min later. The first thing the nurse told me was to calm down. From there, the jist of it is that DH has a lower than normal motility on this test, and that they call everyone with results under norm in for an appointment. The take away for me was that because we’re doing IVF it won’t be a problem. Just wanted him to be aware. All in all, I felt really good about the exchange. Glad that I could freak out a bit and that they took the care to calm me down. It was miles better than any interaction I had with the previous clinic we were attending.

So the results are in. I am very glad we left the last clinic and am happy we’ve chosen them to help us in our quest.

Only 2 weeks till the ‘shoot ’em up begins. Time moves very slowly these days.

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Filed under conceive, endo, infertility, iui, Uncategorized

Speed Bumps

So I’m having a little trouble navigating the tricky world of pregnant friends right now. It seems that yes,  pregnancy is the most important thing in their worlds and my world but, I tell you, nothing brings a conversation which includes a pregnant woman to a screeching halt like the mention of fertility treatments. Infertility. The anti-pregnant.

Now I am a big girl and can admit that pregnant strangers are people I don’t like. And pregnant acquaintances, co-workers, friends of friends and so on, well I’m not really keen on them either. So they have been easy to avoid. But my pregnant friends? I like them. Not even the writhing mass of the green monster I try keep quiet in my handbag can make me turn on them (though when they first tell me that they’ve joined the other side I generally need a moment or a day to cry it out – heck, I’m only human). But I’m having a hard time talking to them.

My days are filled with research on fertility treatments, mourning negative cycles, mustering hope for the cycle to come. Trying to figure where we’re going to find 10 G’s to fund our expansion from couple to family, oh and then the next 10 G’s if we want to try again. Thinking about needles, and needles and needles and that lovely ultrasound wand that has explored more of my nethers than the varsity soccer team that lived on my floor in second year and has yet to buy  me so much as a coffee in return.

Their days are filled with kicks and expanding waistlines and prepping for mat leave and baby names and should they teach sign language? and I’m just not sure what to say.

In a group of pregnants, me, the anti-pregnant, and the neutrals, everyone is uncomfortable. They want to hear how I’m doing but don’t want to talk about the dark side with the glowing in the room. They want to hear about the pregnancy but don’t want to upset the barren. Speed bumps in conversation at every turn.

I made a pact with myself to come out of hiding (these last few negative cycles took their toll on me) and get out there and spend time with my friends. Then I started this blog. Because after a couple of weeks of friend time I realized I had much to say – and it’s all stuff they’d rather not hear.

Now you may be thinking, that’s not true, they’re your friends and want to support you. But nothing makes someone who’s not going through this – especially someone who got pregnant the old fashioned way on month 2 of trying – want to talk about the weather more than the confession that you’re nervous about the egg retrieval because having a needle stuck up your who-ha, through your who-ha, into your what-nots is scary. And more scary is finding there’s nothing in your what-nots to retrieve.

Speed bumps I tell you.

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Filed under conceive, endo, infertility, iui, Uncategorized