Think Different

I actually felt kind of nauseous when I was prepping for injections #1 and 2 – in a seriously? I’m here again? kind of way.
After IVF #1 I swore I didn’t have it in me to do it again.
Then, the desire to grow the family was greater than my dread.
So we gave it another go – insisting “this is it” – the end.
Then, well, I couldn’t just leave it where we ended up.
So, here we are. Again.
The reality of it seemed to hit home the hardest when I was cooking up a batch of Luveris in the kitchen, preparing to give myself the first jab. Then the Gonal-F. Then the cleaning up of the crack house debris.
I wonder if people who make babies with sex (novel thought) instill the same sense of importance to the first thrust? I doubt it. They’re probably thinking about whether they look fat. Or if the other person is as into it. Or something. They probably think it’s fun – making a baby. They probably don’t feel nauseous. Unless they had one too many glasses of Chardonnay.
They’re probably not thinking about anything at all.

But that would mean they’re also not thinking about how this exact moment could be the start of a chain of events that changes everything.
Which is what I needed to do to get through. Because a part of me keeps thinking “we weren’t supposed to be here. We were happy. It was supposed to be ok.”

Sure, it wasn’t ok. But I need to remember that doesn’t mean it won’t be this time.
I need to think about whether these bruises make me look fat. Or if I look hot holding a syringe. I need to think about nothing at all.
I need to think that this could be the start of something that changes everything.
In a good way.

Cramps and More Cramps

Last night I had cramping so bad it woke me up. I was sure it was all over. Went to pee and no evidence of the Bubble in distress but the cramping continued and kept me up almost till morning.

The pain continued on and off in the morning then picked up again in the afternoon.

I emailed the clinic first thing in the AM and they’ve moved my ultrasound up to tomorrow morning just to be sure everything is ok.

When I got word they were moving me up I packed it in at the office and came home to work. Which was more  nap than work because it was seasick time and that time is better passed asleep.

Today – as far as I know, I am still pregnant. Tomorrow I might not be. I might be waiting for an impending miscarriage. I really hope that’s not the case. I hope that it’s just some weird intestinal thing, or uterus stretching and moving to make room for Bubble.

I’m not ready to say goodbye. I haven’t really had the chance to say hello!

So I have to believe that it’s just growing pains. That Bubble is there. Safe and sound. And that we’ll see him there – bubbling along tomorrow. Oblivious to all the cramps, cramps and more cramps that are going on around him.

11 Sleeps till Ultrasound

To pass the time until the ultrasound lets us know that Bubble is OK today – here are 11 things that are weird about being pregnant…

1. When I talk about my sore b.oo.bs – I mean really, really sore. Brought tears to my eyes yesterday sore.

2. It’s true about the sense of smell – I can smell everything. It’s unpleasant.

3. There are things I can’t imagine eating. Like grocery store roast chicken and bacon cooked at home. No idea why.

4. Thirsty. So thirsty.

5. When I am hungry, I am hungry NOW.  But when I eat – after about 1/2 normal portion I’m full. Until I’m not. Then I’m hungry. NOW.

6. The smell of cleaning supplies make me queasy. Lucky for me.

7.  I spend an unusual amount of time wondering. Not scheming or planning or controlling. Just wondering…boy or girl? Left handed or right? Happy baby? Grumpy baby? Likes books, bikes, cars, cabbage patch? Will I ever get to know?

8. I haven’t really gained weight – but the weight I have seems to have migrated to my middle. Not in an attractive way…not that it matters – just not used to having small calves and big muffin top. All the weight used to live in the bottom half. How it’s managed to move up, I’ll never know.

9. Bubble is the size of a poppy seed and already seems to be the focus of the household. Um, that didn’t take long.

10. Did I mention the boo.bs? Ouch.

11. I’m happy. I’m worried and anxious and nervous  – I think I write that every day – but I’m happy. I was worried for a while that all the IF stuff was becoming a challenge. And that I had become so focused on the struggle that I’d lost sight of the reason we got into the ring in the first place. From time to time I wondered if I wanted to beat the infertility more that I wanted the baby. I’ve now realized that isn’t possible. I want us to meet the Bubble more that I thought was possible. And that want doesn’t fill me with despair the way wanting to beat the IF did. It makes me really friggin happy.

Sea Sick

I have what I think is morning sickness. Except it happens in the afternoon from about 2-6. Seems it gets set off by the smell of something. Yesterday it was my leftover lunch in my office garbage can. Today it was the lunch room garbage close to the water cooler.

I’ve been filling my glass at the water cooler and tossing my lunch in the trash for a long, long time. But yesterday and today were the only times that I felt like I was bobbing on big waves in a very small boat after doing either.

Hasn’t progressed to full on throwing up yet – though I’ve never chucked while actually sea sick either. Just kind of green and really queasy.

Not complaining. I swore if I ever found myself here I wouldn’t complain. Just making a note of it. Time will tell if it’s gonna get worse or if this is it.

I wonder if Bubble, floating around in there, will get sea sick too?

Beta day tomorrow…

Kind of at a loss for words on this one. So I’ll steal someone else’s…

I bought a card for myself once when I was shopping for some occasion or other, with a heavy heart, shortly after my dad passed away. It’s one of those quote-y ones with the big type on the front.

It says “Everything will be ok in the end. If it’s not ok, then it’s not the end.”

I take those words with me tomorrow. All signs point to a positive result. Yet I am overrrun with worry.

So I just keep telling myself ‘everything will be ok in the end’…the numbers will be there. They’ll double as they’re supposed to. And if they don’t? If it’s not ok?

Well, I guess we’re just not finished yet. If it’s not ok, then it’s not the end.

I’ll update when I get word.

Retail Therapy

I’m wracked with nerves over my blood test on Monday. Yes, the pee sticks are still positive, but I’m positive they’re not getting darker. I’m sure today’s was lighter than yesterday. And I’m terrified that when I get the result back it’s going to be a resounding close but no cigar.

So I went shopping with my cycle friend who sadly has not seen the same results on her test sticks. I holding out hope for the chance that she’ll be surprised at her beta – I’ve heard that it happens – but she’s pretty convinced it’s a done deal.

We had a grand old time at the mall and bought on-sale jackets and posh sunglasses to make her feel better about the whole big mess and to ease my anxiety.

There are a few stores I wish they’d add to the mall…

1. The Baby Store (that one’s a no brainer)

2. The home beta test and positive pregnancy experience predictor store

3. Horminimize – the store that sells clothes that are the same size you wore before all the IVF drugs but that you can actually do up

4. Wonder -whytheyhurt-Bra – the undergarment store that can help determine the cause of your breast pain (hormone drug, pms, actually pregnancy) then fit you with the right bra for your aching bosom

5. Hot Flash – a store that sells everything you might want  in screw-the-environment-dammit-it’s hot- and-the-law-won’t-let-me-shop-in-my-bra air conditioned comfort.

sigh.

I’m nerve wracked and I see no end in site.

PS: (shameless request for support in contest) I worked on a little contest entry that needs votes. Yes. I realize it’s childish but it’s aimed at 18-24 year old boys…and farts are funny. If you have a minute click here and give a thumbs up!

Implants

It feels like I have them. They were always um…ample. But currently my cups runneth over. And they hurt like the dickens. But I find myself goosing them, almost without noticing – like a nervous tic – just to see if they’re still sore. It’s like when Bryan A.dams said “Hurts so good”. I wince every time I squeeze them, but them I smile cause they still hurt so the bubblebabies, (or at least one) are still hanging around.

It’s going to be a long ride, counting one day at a time till the middle of november. Though I have to say, setting mental milestones is helping me wrap my head around it.

1. blood test

2. repeat.

3. repeat.

4. Ultrasound – whenever that is.

5. 8 weeks from now when the nausea that’s all ready setting in takes a hike.

All I want right now is to count all the way to five one step at a time. with no major mishaps. And the great wall of bosom standing high and proud, two vast beacons of hope leading the way.

Caution Tape

I feel like I’m in a sticky situation. I want to be jumping up and down. After 2 1/2 years of trying shouldn’t I be over the moon? Instead I’m wandering around alternating between utter disbelief and abject terror.

I’m still so shocked. I genuinely did not believe we’d ever get here. I figured we’d do all we could and then accept our life.

And now that we’ve made it 10 steps past never, I can’t imagine never having had these last 2 days. And I’m terrified that it won’t last. And that I’ll be back to never before you know it.

Proceed with caution is the sign flashing in my head. I view being pregnant as a ‘right now’ thing – completely separate from having a baby. I don’t feel like I’m having a baby. That’s something that happens to people who succeed in being preggo. Me? I’m just a rookie.

It’s like I’ve been to a thousand job interviews for a position that ‘those people’ get and I don’t. Except I catch a break. And get hired. On a day-to-day basis. We’ll see how it goes. If it goes well, you can come back tomorrow.

Will it get easier? Will I get to be thrilled? Will it end? Soon? In a tempest of tears?

Shit. I’m mad at infertility today – for robbing me of the chance to be blissful about this.

Don’t get me wrong – I’m happy – I’m flabbergasted. But I’m also afraid and concerned and madly in love with something that’s now the size of a poppy-seed. And I don’t want anything to come between me and the bubblebabies.

Still Stuck

It’s been quite a day around here. There was much stick peeing and nervous giggling. The line is darker on the pink line one. There is a faint blue cross on the blue cross one. And, the digital one said the P word.

Beta is moved up to Monday.

Please, please sticky stick.

I have feelings this way and that about finding myeslf here but it’s late.

I’ll post a more in-depth dive into those tomorrow.

10 Things That Would Make Me a Fun Parent

Are you listening bubblebabies? – here’s ten reasons to hang around…

1. I think nutella is an excellent breakfast food.

2. I like to sing just about all the time and can make up songs in the blink of an eye…(you’ve already heard the bubble baby song I do believe)

3. I think a marching band needs as many people as you have around. Two is fine. Three is better and so forth. And…I have no trouble marching down the street with a wooden spoon and some tupperware. (Although I’ll save it till you can join me)

4. I like cartoons too.

5. I am of the opinion that cotton candy might make you throw up, but for a little while before that, it’ll make you really happy.

6. Yes, I agree that going on the merry go round again would be an excellent idea.

7. In the car, I make the noise of the animals passing by. ( My cow sound is pretty authentic)

8. I can read books pretty well, but I can make up my own even better.

9. I stomp in puddles.

10. I’ve been waiting a long time for you so I’ll probably think anything you suggest is a good idea. (That’s a nice way of saying I’m wrapped around your finger, and you don’t even have one yet)

Please stay.