Tag Archives: waiting

First Beta Today

So the number is in – 137 11dp3dt. That is right in the average for a healthy singleton pregnancy. Let’s hope it stays that way! Second beta to test doubling time is on Friday. Man oh man, this is surreal. I thought this beta would bring closure to this long journey. One last negative them moving on. Now I have an indeterminate number of days to worry.
I hope I can let a little excitement sneak in soon. Maybe around 6 weeks from now…

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Still truckin’

So those 2 little guys are still truckin’ along. Quality seems to be good – though they don’t seem to have an official ‘grade’ this early. They’re noted to be 1-2 grade (one being the best). We’ll know tomorrow once we arrive for the transfer if they’re still viable.
If anybody reading has any insight on day 3 vs day 5 transfer, I’d be interested to hear it.
Otherwise, I’ll report back tomorrow.

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It’s not over yet…

I have an overwhelming sense of sadness with every step in this cycle knowing that once it’s done, it’s done. Bottom of the ninth, down by 2. Two out. Bases empty. The other team has last at bat. Pack up the clothes. List gear on crai$#ist. Clear away all the little baby things.

But today is not that day. We’re not out of the game yet. We retrieved 3 eggs today. Three. The RE gave us some positive examples. He’s not ready to call it a day. But he also said, when he came to check on me and found me sitting silently with tears streaming down my face, that we don’t know what we don’t know. It’s one day at a time. We just have to wait and see. And it only takes one.

It only takes one and we have three. Which is my favourite number. My hockey number. My lucky number. And 2 more than 1.
So it’s not over yet.

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Where does the time go?

I’ve been reading the books I have (thanks to T and SIL) about pregnancy and so many refer to my advanced maternal age…(the ripe old age of 36) and I’m really irked.

Mostly I’m ticked that we tried and tried to get here before the odometer clicked past the golden 34 onto the notably less shiny 35 and certainly before the blackened rust heap that is 36. WE TRIED DAMMIT!

Is there no room in there for describing the slightly advanced but dutifully taking prenatal vitamins, saving the booze for special occasions and failed cycles and thinking about everything that goes into the ‘wanttobemothership’? Doesn’t the 2 plus years of actively trying somehow negate some of my actual age? Well, doesn’t it?

it seems quite unfair to me that time marches on, paying no heed to how hard we work or how much we sacrifice.

Then time, that dirty bit.ch, slows to a grinding halt whenever there’s waiting to be done. Waiting for cycles to start, betas then ultrasounds…

Time is not my friend today. Screw time.

SIDEBAR:

Ideas for calcium?

Throwing this one out there. I’m lactose intolerant and am trying to get enough calcium without additional supplements. Anybody have ideas on how to sneak extra cal into day to day eating?

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11 Sleeps till Ultrasound

To pass the time until the ultrasound lets us know that Bubble is OK today – here are 11 things that are weird about being pregnant…

1. When I talk about my sore b.oo.bs – I mean really, really sore. Brought tears to my eyes yesterday sore.

2. It’s true about the sense of smell – I can smell everything. It’s unpleasant.

3. There are things I can’t imagine eating. Like grocery store roast chicken and bacon cooked at home. No idea why.

4. Thirsty. So thirsty.

5. When I am hungry, I am hungry NOW.  But when I eat – after about 1/2 normal portion I’m full. Until I’m not. Then I’m hungry. NOW.

6. The smell of cleaning supplies make me queasy. Lucky for me.

7.  I spend an unusual amount of time wondering. Not scheming or planning or controlling. Just wondering…boy or girl? Left handed or right? Happy baby? Grumpy baby? Likes books, bikes, cars, cabbage patch? Will I ever get to know?

8. I haven’t really gained weight – but the weight I have seems to have migrated to my middle. Not in an attractive way…not that it matters – just not used to having small calves and big muffin top. All the weight used to live in the bottom half. How it’s managed to move up, I’ll never know.

9. Bubble is the size of a poppy seed and already seems to be the focus of the household. Um, that didn’t take long.

10. Did I mention the boo.bs? Ouch.

11. I’m happy. I’m worried and anxious and nervous  – I think I write that every day – but I’m happy. I was worried for a while that all the IF stuff was becoming a challenge. And that I had become so focused on the struggle that I’d lost sight of the reason we got into the ring in the first place. From time to time I wondered if I wanted to beat the infertility more that I wanted the baby. I’ve now realized that isn’t possible. I want us to meet the Bubble more that I thought was possible. And that want doesn’t fill me with despair the way wanting to beat the IF did. It makes me really friggin happy.

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Beta day tomorrow…

Kind of at a loss for words on this one. So I’ll steal someone else’s…

I bought a card for myself once when I was shopping for some occasion or other, with a heavy heart, shortly after my dad passed away. It’s one of those quote-y ones with the big type on the front.

It says “Everything will be ok in the end. If it’s not ok, then it’s not the end.”

I take those words with me tomorrow. All signs point to a positive result. Yet I am overrrun with worry.

So I just keep telling myself ‘everything will be ok in the end’…the numbers will be there. They’ll double as they’re supposed to. And if they don’t? If it’s not ok?

Well, I guess we’re just not finished yet. If it’s not ok, then it’s not the end.

I’ll update when I get word.

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Retail Therapy

I’m wracked with nerves over my blood test on Monday. Yes, the pee sticks are still positive, but I’m positive they’re not getting darker. I’m sure today’s was lighter than yesterday. And I’m terrified that when I get the result back it’s going to be a resounding close but no cigar.

So I went shopping with my cycle friend who sadly has not seen the same results on her test sticks. I holding out hope for the chance that she’ll be surprised at her beta – I’ve heard that it happens – but she’s pretty convinced it’s a done deal.

We had a grand old time at the mall and bought on-sale jackets and posh sunglasses to make her feel better about the whole big mess and to ease my anxiety.

There are a few stores I wish they’d add to the mall…

1. The Baby Store (that one’s a no brainer)

2. The home beta test and positive pregnancy experience predictor store

3. Horminimize – the store that sells clothes that are the same size you wore before all the IVF drugs but that you can actually do up

4. Wonder -whytheyhurt-Bra – the undergarment store that can help determine the cause of your breast pain (hormone drug, pms, actually pregnancy) then fit you with the right bra for your aching bosom

5. Hot Flash – a store that sells everything you might want  in screw-the-environment-dammit-it’s hot- and-the-law-won’t-let-me-shop-in-my-bra air conditioned comfort.

sigh.

I’m nerve wracked and I see no end in site.

PS: (shameless request for support in contest) I worked on a little contest entry that needs votes. Yes. I realize it’s childish but it’s aimed at 18-24 year old boys…and farts are funny. If you have a minute click here and give a thumbs up!

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