Tag Archives: waiting

First Beta Today

So the number is in – 137 11dp3dt. That is right in the average for a healthy singleton pregnancy. Let’s hope it stays that way! Second beta to test doubling time is on Friday. Man oh man, this is surreal. I thought this beta would bring closure to this long journey. One last negative them moving on. Now I have an indeterminate number of days to worry.
I hope I can let a little excitement sneak in soon. Maybe around 6 weeks from now…

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Still truckin’

So those 2 little guys are still truckin’ along. Quality seems to be good – though they don’t seem to have an official ‘grade’ this early. They’re noted to be 1-2 grade (one being the best). We’ll know tomorrow once we arrive for the transfer if they’re still viable.
If anybody reading has any insight on day 3 vs day 5 transfer, I’d be interested to hear it.
Otherwise, I’ll report back tomorrow.

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It’s not over yet…

I have an overwhelming sense of sadness with every step in this cycle knowing that once it’s done, it’s done. Bottom of the ninth, down by 2. Two out. Bases empty. The other team has last at bat. Pack up the clothes. List gear on crai$#ist. Clear away all the little baby things.

But today is not that day. We’re not out of the game yet. We retrieved 3 eggs today. Three. The RE gave us some positive examples. He’s not ready to call it a day. But he also said, when he came to check on me and found me sitting silently with tears streaming down my face, that we don’t know what we don’t know. It’s one day at a time. We just have to wait and see. And it only takes one.

It only takes one and we have three. Which is my favourite number. My hockey number. My lucky number. And 2 more than 1.
So it’s not over yet.

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Where does the time go?

I’ve been reading the books I have (thanks to T and SIL) about pregnancy and so many refer to my advanced maternal age…(the ripe old age of 36) and I’m really irked.

Mostly I’m ticked that we tried and tried to get here before the odometer clicked past the golden 34 onto the notably less shiny 35 and certainly before the blackened rust heap that is 36. WE TRIED DAMMIT!

Is there no room in there for describing the slightly advanced but dutifully taking prenatal vitamins, saving the booze for special occasions and failed cycles and thinking about everything that goes into the ‘wanttobemothership’? Doesn’t the 2 plus years of actively trying somehow negate some of my actual age? Well, doesn’t it?

it seems quite unfair to me that time marches on, paying no heed to how hard we work or how much we sacrifice.

Then time, that dirty bit.ch, slows to a grinding halt whenever there’s waiting to be done. Waiting for cycles to start, betas then ultrasounds…

Time is not my friend today. Screw time.

SIDEBAR:

Ideas for calcium?

Throwing this one out there. I’m lactose intolerant and am trying to get enough calcium without additional supplements. Anybody have ideas on how to sneak extra cal into day to day eating?

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11 Sleeps till Ultrasound

To pass the time until the ultrasound lets us know that Bubble is OK today – here are 11 things that are weird about being pregnant…

1. When I talk about my sore b.oo.bs – I mean really, really sore. Brought tears to my eyes yesterday sore.

2. It’s true about the sense of smell – I can smell everything. It’s unpleasant.

3. There are things I can’t imagine eating. Like grocery store roast chicken and bacon cooked at home. No idea why.

4. Thirsty. So thirsty.

5. When I am hungry, I am hungry NOW.  But when I eat – after about 1/2 normal portion I’m full. Until I’m not. Then I’m hungry. NOW.

6. The smell of cleaning supplies make me queasy. Lucky for me.

7.  I spend an unusual amount of time wondering. Not scheming or planning or controlling. Just wondering…boy or girl? Left handed or right? Happy baby? Grumpy baby? Likes books, bikes, cars, cabbage patch? Will I ever get to know?

8. I haven’t really gained weight – but the weight I have seems to have migrated to my middle. Not in an attractive way…not that it matters – just not used to having small calves and big muffin top. All the weight used to live in the bottom half. How it’s managed to move up, I’ll never know.

9. Bubble is the size of a poppy seed and already seems to be the focus of the household. Um, that didn’t take long.

10. Did I mention the boo.bs? Ouch.

11. I’m happy. I’m worried and anxious and nervous  – I think I write that every day – but I’m happy. I was worried for a while that all the IF stuff was becoming a challenge. And that I had become so focused on the struggle that I’d lost sight of the reason we got into the ring in the first place. From time to time I wondered if I wanted to beat the infertility more that I wanted the baby. I’ve now realized that isn’t possible. I want us to meet the Bubble more that I thought was possible. And that want doesn’t fill me with despair the way wanting to beat the IF did. It makes me really friggin happy.

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Beta day tomorrow…

Kind of at a loss for words on this one. So I’ll steal someone else’s…

I bought a card for myself once when I was shopping for some occasion or other, with a heavy heart, shortly after my dad passed away. It’s one of those quote-y ones with the big type on the front.

It says “Everything will be ok in the end. If it’s not ok, then it’s not the end.”

I take those words with me tomorrow. All signs point to a positive result. Yet I am overrrun with worry.

So I just keep telling myself ‘everything will be ok in the end’…the numbers will be there. They’ll double as they’re supposed to. And if they don’t? If it’s not ok?

Well, I guess we’re just not finished yet. If it’s not ok, then it’s not the end.

I’ll update when I get word.

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Retail Therapy

I’m wracked with nerves over my blood test on Monday. Yes, the pee sticks are still positive, but I’m positive they’re not getting darker. I’m sure today’s was lighter than yesterday. And I’m terrified that when I get the result back it’s going to be a resounding close but no cigar.

So I went shopping with my cycle friend who sadly has not seen the same results on her test sticks. I holding out hope for the chance that she’ll be surprised at her beta – I’ve heard that it happens – but she’s pretty convinced it’s a done deal.

We had a grand old time at the mall and bought on-sale jackets and posh sunglasses to make her feel better about the whole big mess and to ease my anxiety.

There are a few stores I wish they’d add to the mall…

1. The Baby Store (that one’s a no brainer)

2. The home beta test and positive pregnancy experience predictor store

3. Horminimize – the store that sells clothes that are the same size you wore before all the IVF drugs but that you can actually do up

4. Wonder -whytheyhurt-Bra – the undergarment store that can help determine the cause of your breast pain (hormone drug, pms, actually pregnancy) then fit you with the right bra for your aching bosom

5. Hot Flash – a store that sells everything you might want  in screw-the-environment-dammit-it’s hot- and-the-law-won’t-let-me-shop-in-my-bra air conditioned comfort.

sigh.

I’m nerve wracked and I see no end in site.

PS: (shameless request for support in contest) I worked on a little contest entry that needs votes. Yes. I realize it’s childish but it’s aimed at 18-24 year old boys…and farts are funny. If you have a minute click here and give a thumbs up!

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Still Stuck

It’s been quite a day around here. There was much stick peeing and nervous giggling. The line is darker on the pink line one. There is a faint blue cross on the blue cross one. And, the digital one said the P word.

Beta is moved up to Monday.

Please, please sticky stick.

I have feelings this way and that about finding myeslf here but it’s late.

I’ll post a more in-depth dive into those tomorrow.

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Well I’ll be damned…

There are two lines hidden in those stupid sticks. I know because against better judgment  – knowing it’s really REALLY early – I peed on one today.

And low and behold there it was. The other pink line. I sort of thought it was a cosmic joke – that there was no other line and no one was telling me it was all a big hoax.

Apparently not. I just sucked until now.

The forum that I belong to has a number of girls with Beta’s in March and they were peeing up a storm today. And I thought I had willpower. And that I would hold out. And that because I knew it was really to early to see anything that I was just setting myself up for a big letdown.

Then as I was making dinner, I was searching for a seldom used ingredient in a seldom used cupboard, I came across the stash of sticks that I’ve been collecting. I buy a box when they’re on sale out of habit. Well, with 4 months on the BCP, I have quite a collection. So I took them out and piled them on the stairs to carry up to our loo.

Well, then they were staring at me – and staring at me. And finally just as Idol was coming on I asked husband if he though it would be so bad if I  – you know – just one. He’d barely sputtered out an answer and I had the box open and was racing up the stairs.

I’m sure glad I did.

Now I know that there are about a million little milestones between a premature pee stick and baby. And I know that it’s so early this blip on the radar could be gone as early as tomorrow.

But tonight – for the first time – I head off to bed pee-stick pregnant.

I’ll test again in the morning to see if it’s getting any more…pink. Or if it’s back to one pink line.

I just can’t believe it. The bubblebabies may be staying longer than I imagined, and if I’m really lucky, longer than I ever thought possible.

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10 Things That Would Make Me a Fun Parent

Are you listening bubblebabies? – here’s ten reasons to hang around…

1. I think nutella is an excellent breakfast food.

2. I like to sing just about all the time and can make up songs in the blink of an eye…(you’ve already heard the bubble baby song I do believe)

3. I think a marching band needs as many people as you have around. Two is fine. Three is better and so forth. And…I have no trouble marching down the street with a wooden spoon and some tupperware. (Although I’ll save it till you can join me)

4. I like cartoons too.

5. I am of the opinion that cotton candy might make you throw up, but for a little while before that, it’ll make you really happy.

6. Yes, I agree that going on the merry go round again would be an excellent idea.

7. In the car, I make the noise of the animals passing by. ( My cow sound is pretty authentic)

8. I can read books pretty well, but I can make up my own even better.

9. I stomp in puddles.

10. I’ve been waiting a long time for you so I’ll probably think anything you suggest is a good idea. (That’s a nice way of saying I’m wrapped around your finger, and you don’t even have one yet)

Please stay.

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