Tag Archives: you’ve got to be kidding me

JustinCases and IfWe’reNots

As most infertiles do, husband and I planned some things just in case it didn’t work. And we got excited about some things that we’d do if we’re not pregnant.

Now that we are – and will hopefully remain so for 36 more weeks, I’m feeling the slightest twinge at one of my just in case scenarios. And trying to figure out how to make our if we’re not happen if we are.

This first one has been on my mind for a few years. Please know that after a year of back pain and fertility treatments – not sure how I was planning to pull this off – figured I’d walk it? Anyway – got the charge on my credit card today that shows I’ve been accepted as an entry into the San Francisco Women’s Marathon. Yay me…except that at this rate, I’ll be about 36 weeks pregnant.

I’m not pulling out or canceling anything. If things don’t go my way, a good long walk might be just what I need. But after not being drawn in the lottery the 2 previous years I feel excited to have been selected. And conflicted about the fact that I feel more excited about NOT going this year.

The other one. The Big Ifwe’renot is our trip to the 2010 Winter Olympics. Tickets? Check! Place to stay? Check! Three month old baby? Wha…? Oh yes. I have been blubbering nonstop about the olympics since I started our application for tickets last October (funny – also a lottery). I wasn’t sure we’d get them as there were lots of folks who entered and came up empty handed. But we have tickets to 10 events, a friend to stay with and a huge love of the games. I am stoked to go. Just not sure we can make the trip with Bubble in tow.

We’re so far so good. We’re cautiously optimistic. But we’re also not counting our Bubbles before they’re hatched.

Soon the time will come to let go of all those justincases (we’ll paint the office neutral justincase it’s never anything but an office) and the ifwe’renots (if we’re not pregnant we’ll go to italy in June) and start thinking off all the ’causeweare’s. Cause we are pregnant, we have to decide if we’ll try to go to the olympics or sell our tickets…

Wonder when that time is?

And what are your JustinCases?

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Add crampy to the list of things making me grumpy

Not a nice feeling in my bubblebaby zone today. Cramps. Oh at first I though they were gas or some other intestinal assult but as the day is wearing thin I’m pretty sure they’re cramps – kind of like, no a lot like the day or two before period cramps.

Not like crazy day 1 want to stay home and duct tape the heating pad to my middle cramps. More like oh crap – she’s back cramps.

So could it be bubblebaby implanting cramps – 4dp5dt? Could it be dreaded you-know-who arriving to put a swift end to all this waiting and hoping and planning and stuff?

Uninterrupted by drugs and other unpleasantry’s , tomorrow would be the day. Beta’s not till the 18th!

AF. That’s all I f’ng need. I’ll keep you posted…

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Family Planning IF Style

Trying to make plans for the coming months is proving to be a difficult, teary undertaking.

I try, in my head, to call husband and I a family instead of couple. Hence the ‘family planning’. But I have to say that in my heart of hearts, we’re a couple. A pair. A twosome. And this family/twosome needs to look at life beyond the next injection/ultrasound/ER and make some plans.

We’re talking about Italy at the end of June to coincide with a conference for husband. But I can’t seem to pull the trigger on the tickets. What if we’re pregnant? Or not? Oh- what if we’re cancelled and then try again and then get pregnant but are in the first trimester. Or we do another and it doesn’t work.

We could go see family in March or we could not. I mean, you never know right?

And don’t even get me started about tryng to make plans for the nest week. Well, we’ll be there unless, you know, we’re not….

LIMBO

I made a new year’s resolution to no longer be defined by my infertility but it seems to be more the defining factor as opposed to less. I feel like one of those women who can only talk about Baby, except all I can seem to talk about is No-baby. Which I think, for the record, is kind of creeping people out.

I’m the scary no-baby-lady. And I have no vacation plans because my no-baby is getting in the way. And I can’t go out on Satuday because my no-baby doesn’t like me talking to anyone else. And just try finding a no-baby-sitter on short notice? No chance. I’m the only one who can take  care of my no-baby, and let me tell you – no-baby is really really needy.

If I had known that having no-baby was going to be this emotionally draining I would have relaxed just like everyone keeps telling me. I would have had me some sex with my husband – maybe on a weekend out of town – to get away from it all. I would have stopped putting so much pressure on myself and just had an actual baby.

sheesh.

Seems no matter what people tell you, you’re never really prepared for no-baby. Your whole life changes and nothing is ever the same once no-baby comes along.

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The “You-know-what-lets”

Can’t help it. Have to write this post despite wanting the buzz around 6 plus crazy lady plus 8 to fade swiftly away.

There is no point in discussing the creation, arrival or future of the 8. But I must take a moment to spill about why everyone needs to talk to me about the story.

Now I know I am in the middle of an IVF cycle. And I believe that everyone who knows is cheering for me, and only wants the best for me. And everyone who doesn’t know – well they don’t know. So how could they understand how far down their throats they’ve stuck their feet in the last few days.

I may know very little about the “you-know-what-lets”, but I do know this…

1. No I can’t really imagine having 8 babies at once. I can’t really imagine having one most of the time.

2. That is what happens with fertility treatments (in the hands of a crazy woman and a crackpot RE)

3. I don’t know why she would want to have more babies after she already has 6. I’m more interested in why she gets 14 and I get none.

4. Not idea how she’s going to pay for them. But then, in a couple of cycles, not really sure how I’d pay for one either so this pot won’t be calling the kettle black.

5. I agree the world is unfair and that people who really deserve babies don’t get them while other people who none of us know from Adam but are quick to judge just get to keep on havin’ ’em. And an especially big thanks for pointing that out to me in a big ‘ole room full of people.

6. It is a shame they don’t give out licenses for parenting. Lot of good the license did the doctor who put her in the situation.

7. I’m afraid I haven’t noticed that they never show the babies because I keep changing the channel.

8. No, I don’t want to have 8 babies and certainly not all at once- but given the choice – 8 or none I can’t say for sure which way I’d go.

Now don’t even get me started about the senior mom who had twins in Calgary. Seriously? 60?

Arrgghh!

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