Tag Archives: crazy hormones

I heart my follies

Just a quick post tonight. I started the day with another talk with the doc. He arrived halfway through my ultrasound to talk to me about how it’s going.

We now have 12 follies on the radar though some will be over mature by the big day. RE was concerned that without a big jump in E2 we’d be cancelled. He said he thinks I’m capable of a perfect cycle and why would be go through with an imperfect one, when there’s a perfect one just around the corner.

I thought – “you say that to all the girls”.

Anyway, when the numbers came in, my E2 had jumped from 3000 to 5000 so no need to worry.

And then, as a sliver of hope shone in like a blade of light through a crack in the curtains, I bought myself some new socks for the ER and ET. Both pairs are covered in hearts.

Now I know that follies and blasts can’t see my feet, but I had this overpowering need to let them know just how much I love them, right from the start. Heck, before the start.

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It’s a No-Baby Shower and you’re invited!

Hey Guys – I think I’m on to something with this no-baby thing. Three people today felt I was acting strangely – hormonal and odd, and every one asked if I was pregnant. “Actually I’m not-pregnant” I answered with a little smirk (which I’m sure just made me seem weirder).

Anyhoo, if I were pregnant, somebody would be thinking about my eventual baby shower. Not coming any time soon.

But, in my headachey-constant nausea hormone induced state I thought we should plan a no-baby shower. Weird – probably. Insane – quite possibly. Going to make me feel better? Definitely.

How do we do it? Hmmm. Not quite sure. But as this is I-Com-Lea-We…I figure making the plan shouldn’t be too hard with all the reading and commenting going on.

This is what I think. We all go out and buy ourselves a no-baby present. Something small like a lottery ticket or a new lipstick. Or something bigger. Something we’ve been putting off because “you never know…” – a new pair of jeans, sexy panties, heck a new video game – whatever. Then we go and get our favourite food – I’m going to get a cupcake or two – my favourite celebration food. Next, a favourite song – an anthem that keeps you going, the song that was playing when you first met your partner – hell, the song you picture singing to a little someone you haven’t met yet when they can’t sleep. Finally – we can pick what we’re having to drink (or would be having if we weren’t in the middle of a cycle).

So we’ve got a no-baby shower gift, food, drinks, music. What else do we need? We need guests! And that part’s easy. We’re all right here!

So I’ll send out the first invitation…

WHY SHOULD THE FERTILES HAVE ALL THE FUN???

I really hope you’ll join me next Sunday, March 1st for my first No-Baby Shower.

invite3

There. Cool. It’s on. Leave a comment if you’re throwing a no-baby shower too. Get everything ready then on March 1 post about what you got, what you ate, what you listened to and everyone who drops by can say a quick hello to let you know they enjoyed your party.

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Gonal-f’ing pain in the butt

er, or make that leg. First off, all is well in the estrogen department. I’m up to 200 and the follies are still resting. Nurse J thinks we’ll see them starting to grow next u/s on Thursday morning. Meds stay as is.

Cool. So do the injections today in the thigh. All three bleed. Now have a line of three buises that look like the start of orion’s belt.

Consider creating constellation stencils for injectors to use so at least when they’re through, the bruises make a statement. Could be astrological signs. Then thing, why stop there. Flowers, geometric shapes? Frank Lloyd Wright’s falling water?

I digress. Finish Gonal-F injection only to notice it doesn’t look like there’s enough for tomorrow’s dose. I only have one pen. It takes the pharmacy a day to order (and it’s after 5). WTF am I going to do I think to myself as my eyes start to well up. Bit of o a weeper  these days.

So send an email to the clinic asking for advice. They sell the drugs there, but thank goodness, our meds are covered under husband’s plan. So it’s far better for us to get a prescription filled at a pharmacy so it gets paid for.

No idea what we’re going to do. Have visions of cancelled cycle dancing in my head. Into the car, down to the pharmacy…Husband stays behind the wheel as there’s no where to park and I go in to find options.

The pharmacist isn’t much help. They have to order it. No they can’t get it tomorrow. No they don’t know where else to get it. Oh look there is a refill here (why the f didn’t you just order both at once) – but not much we can do. You could try calling around…

And then I start to cry. In front of 4 pharmacy staff, and 8 people standing around waiting for scripts. Now I feel like an idiot. And I still don’t have any f’ing gonal F.

Hmmm, call around? I call the drug mart closest to my clinic. There are a bunch of clinics in the same area and I figured that’d be my best bet. Get a woman on the phone who is very kind, sounds like she’s used to people calling and being a little – um – agitated (crazy) about these drugs. She quickly tells me they have it in stock. I can pick it up tomorrow. Not a problem. If I give her the number of my local pharm and details she’ll call and have the refill transferred. Not to worry. Done and done.

So long story short – I have to go pick up some more gonal-f tomorrow. It won’t be a problem though. And the injections continue.

Went to see Ben Folds tonight. He rocks. Took my mind off things for a couple of hours. Yay.

And for those keeping track of the report card – taxes? Check. Into the mail today.

Everything else on the list? Well, it’ll have to wait.

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Cooking up a little romance…

Completely not an option tonight. We made the big jump from suppressing to stimulating. And I have to say nothing kills the thought of a romantic dinner than two fairly well adjusted love birds trying to get the recipe for a baby right.

Start with the lupron shot. I’m getting used to that one so I went with the whole “devil you know” thing. Then Luveris. You have to use a giant needle to make the mix up for that one. Husband reading direction while trying not to pass out from giant needle. Me trying not to squirt it all over the floor. Where did the last shot go in? Don’t want to do the same spot twice. They gave me a map to follow. Damn. Should have followed the map. Starting to look like a junkie with all the track marks. Luveris, done. Stings more. And felt a weird warm sensation radiating from the injection sight. Oh, and think my bo.obs grew (again) just looking at the syringe.

Third one. Gonal-f. This one’s a pen. Fairly simple. Small needle. Dial up the meds and go. Need to find a spot. Takes a while. Jab it in. Plunge the tip. Husband, reading instructions again, counts steamboats till I can take out the needle. Have to leave it in for 5 to 10 sec. Bo.obs grew (again) just looking at the pen.

Clean up the crack house counter and c’est tout.

The whole process took us a whopping 30 min so we jumped into the car and raced to the theatre to catch an early show.

We hadn’t really picked one but after the “stick-up” my hub thought we should go see the chick flick…(I think the needles might be harder on him than me if they’re driven him to volunteer that) so I got seats – slide in just as the film started while he got us treats.

I’m certain I’ve spent Valentine’s Day at a fancy restaurant. I’ve had candlelight. I’ve had red Cinnamon hearts and candy kisses. But I’ve never felt more loved than I did this year mixing up meds and counting down the steamboats.

Long weekend here in Canada – Back to the clinic tuesday to see if the follies are responding… hoping they’re feeling the love and join the party.

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Even the nurse looked at me like I was crazy…

So Baseline today. As you can see from my previous post it’s so far so good. More gonal-F than was originally prescribed but it’s all systems go.

When we talked to the nurse today she was all smiles. Asked how it was going? Everything alright? Not so bad right?

So I started to tell her about the side effects. All the side effects. And she looked at me. And she looked at me. And she said can’t wait to see how low your estrogen is. We don’t normally have any trouble with Lupron… And I looked at her with some rather wet eyes and kind of whimpered.  She explained that they needed the number to be between 200 and 10. (Later I found out I clocked in at 56.) And then she said –  you’d better hope they figure out that menopause thing before you get there. And sent us on our way.

Now that’s comforting… now I have that to look forward to. ug.

My husband has a good feeling about this time. He hasn’t ever had that before. Or at least he hasn’t said it out loud. Maybe it’s time for good feelings.

I really want this to work. If I say it out loud – does that make it more or less likely? If I type it out loud, does that jinx it?

I have hope sneaking in. Wouldn’t it be nice if it just worked? That never happens to me. I’m better with small luck. I find money. I get the short line in the checkout. Great parking spots. But big luck? Not really my thing. And I could use some big luck right now.

Cause I think I’d really like this to work.

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Two Thumbs Update

Better post later but quick update. We have 10 resting follicles, 6 on one side, 4 on the other. Let the naming begin…

Our numbers are good – estrogen 56. LH 2 and progesterone 5.8. No idea what those numbers mean – need to have a follow-up with Dr. Google.

My Gonal F has been increased to 225 but Luveris remains at 75.

My evil twin – Lupronia should be gone once we start stimming on the 14th – the best Valentines Day gift my husband could ask for.

Ok – crazy lady has to get back to work.

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Is there precedent for the Lupron Defence?

First off, I’d really like to thank everyone for their kind words, well wishes and heart-felt support. I really does mean the world to me. And every time a comment arrives, it takes the curse off that hour and makes me feel better. I am very grateful.

Second – between 7 AM and 8:30 tomorrow I have my baseline ultrasound and the thumbs up or thumbs down to continue. I’m really pulling for two thumbs up because I’m not sure I can take another round of Fruit Loups.

Oh Wednesday, Wednesday – more than once today I thought it was already sweet Thursday – but alas – still two working days to go. To get through the Wednesday Drearies, and to mark my one week Lupronaversay I give you…

Ten things I’ve snapped at my Husband about…

(Or ten reasons why my husband won’t be buying pharmaceutical stock any time soon.)

1. What time he needs to drop me off at work… “How the F’ am I supposed to know when you need to drop me off so you can be on time?”

2. Why Idol isn’t recording on the PVR…”How the F am I supposed to know why it isn’t working. Maybe it’s broken”

3. Where are the car keys…”How the F am I supposed to know. Look where you left them”

4 Why we don’t go to bed earlier…”Why the F would I go to bed earlier when I can’t F’ing sleep.”

5. Where the leftover chicken is located in the fridge. “You put it back, how the F should I know where it is.”

6. If I want to finish my juice smoothie. “Why the F would I have offered it to you if I still wanted it?”

7. How I’m feeling…”Look at me, how the F do you think I’m feeling.”

8. Am I ready for work…”I’m standing here in my coat at 8 am, what the F do you think I’m ready for?”

9. What’s the matter?…”I’m thirsty, I’m fattening like a piggy in spring, I can’t sleep, I want to rip everyone’s throat out and I have cramps. Where do you F’ing want me to start with what’s the matter?”

10. (and my personal favourite repeated every day at 6:30 PM) How was that one? …”I just jammed a(nother) F’ing needle in my gut! How the F do you think it was?

Maybe if we finally get our BFP we can name the baby Loupy Von F Bomb. Or Getoutofmy Way.

I’ll report back on the baseline once I hear.

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Things I hope I remember if I ever have a baby…

The temperature is warming up. And I forgot that warmer weather means the return of life to my neighbourhood. This includes the baby brigade. We live in a pretty yuppie neighbourhood – great if you have a baby. Not so great if you want one and can’t seem to have one. Of course, when we moved here, we figured we’d fit right in in no time. Apparently not. I had conveniently forgotten  – over the long very cold winter – about the babyrotti that roam the streets in the hood.

Long story short – they’re out in full force. Now those with bumps last year are pushing strollers and a bumper crop of new expectants are strolling around flaunting their fertile selves.

Apparently I have grown colder as time wears on – or this Lupron is turning me into a mega-bit.ch because these were my observations today. Don’t hate me because I’m miserable.

1. We’re in a Sta.rbu.cks so the drink everyone is holding is very hot. Maybe a toddler shouldn’t be dancing right now.

2. Maybe people under 3 feet shouldn’t be crossing behind a car with reverse lights on when mom and dad are trying to get child 2 out of the car.

3. It is cute when children stand in the middle of the sidewalk. It’s not cute when 2 parents with giant empty stoller stand in the middle of the side walk to reflect on the cuteness.

4. Strangers don’t always love to see your kids try and try to open a door by themselves when they are all lined up to exit said door.

5. Fertile people don’t rule the freakin’ world.

Ok, there, I said it.

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Good Riddance

Dear Pill,

It’s over. I knew when we got back together that is wasn’t what I really wanted but you know, how sometimes, you just go along with things? Well, I did what was right for me at the time, and now, we’re through.

When we first got together all those years ago, I fell in love with you. You were part of my coming of age story, you brought freedom and joy and I’ll always remember you for that.

After those first years we were a little hot and cold. The things that made you bad for me became more apparent. You made me feel bad. Made me moody and weepy and blue. We parted ways.

And then, we tried again for a while after I was first diagnosed with endo. But my heart just wasn’t in it any more. You brought more bad than good and we said good bye again.

Sometimes I wish we’d stayed that way, but we didn’t. We’d try and things wouldn’t work out. But I never gave up the hope that we’d make it through.

We’d had a good clean break for quite some time. And I can say with all honesty that I thought we were done. Until fate, and big fat cysts brought us together again.

I would have dropped you months ago – loved you and left you after the cysts were cleared  but fate had other plans for us. Schedules. The holidays. Timing

After today, we won’t be together anymore. And I hope you don’t take it the wrong way when I say I really hope I never have to see you again. I know it’s a cliche but it’s not you, it’s me. You give millions of people exactly what they need. Really, It’s not that you’re bad, Pill. It’s just that you’re bad for me. You’re standing between me and the life that I want. As long as you’re here with me, that life can never be.

So good -bye and good riddance. Today is the end of my life with you. Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life. If you every loved me Pill, even a little, you’ll go away now and never, never look back.

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The “You-know-what-lets”

Can’t help it. Have to write this post despite wanting the buzz around 6 plus crazy lady plus 8 to fade swiftly away.

There is no point in discussing the creation, arrival or future of the 8. But I must take a moment to spill about why everyone needs to talk to me about the story.

Now I know I am in the middle of an IVF cycle. And I believe that everyone who knows is cheering for me, and only wants the best for me. And everyone who doesn’t know – well they don’t know. So how could they understand how far down their throats they’ve stuck their feet in the last few days.

I may know very little about the “you-know-what-lets”, but I do know this…

1. No I can’t really imagine having 8 babies at once. I can’t really imagine having one most of the time.

2. That is what happens with fertility treatments (in the hands of a crazy woman and a crackpot RE)

3. I don’t know why she would want to have more babies after she already has 6. I’m more interested in why she gets 14 and I get none.

4. Not idea how she’s going to pay for them. But then, in a couple of cycles, not really sure how I’d pay for one either so this pot won’t be calling the kettle black.

5. I agree the world is unfair and that people who really deserve babies don’t get them while other people who none of us know from Adam but are quick to judge just get to keep on havin’ ’em. And an especially big thanks for pointing that out to me in a big ‘ole room full of people.

6. It is a shame they don’t give out licenses for parenting. Lot of good the license did the doctor who put her in the situation.

7. I’m afraid I haven’t noticed that they never show the babies because I keep changing the channel.

8. No, I don’t want to have 8 babies and certainly not all at once- but given the choice – 8 or none I can’t say for sure which way I’d go.

Now don’t even get me started about the senior mom who had twins in Calgary. Seriously? 60?

Arrgghh!

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