Monthly Archives: August 2011

i carry your heart

As I mentioned, my Olive necklace needs to be redone as the name on the back is wrong. So no photo yet. But I’ll give to a little inside info on what it says, as i’ve been carrying the words around with me for a few days. The funeral that the link from my last post came from also featured a quote from a poem. Which, it turned out, was from the same poem that is on the necklace i’m waiting for.
It’s generally a romantic love poem, but who defines love, really? So i went with it.

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart)

I hope sooner than later that’s the purest truth. At this point i’m still also carting around the grief and the disappointment and the reality and the sadness and the loneliness of losing something that shared your physical space and well, i could go on.

Good days and bad days. good and bad.

but one day i hope – not too long from now, it will just be the heart – the pure love, the joy that came with the hope of things yet to pass that stays with me.

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart)

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just a link today

Here in Canada we said goodbye to a great leader today. I found it extremely sad. The state funeral was televised and was quite moving. This was the most memorable part for me.
Such a lovely rendition of this song.

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some days suck more than others…

and today was one of them.
It was just…off. My work self was off. I had people coming at me all day at the office asking how I’m ‘hanging in’ – some know the whole story, others thought I was off sick. I went to a baby shower – thankfully for a male colleague so it could have been worse. I went to my physio clinic for a massage and my physiotherapist who I haven’t seen for a while is super pregs. Which I should have been fully and not half-hearted happy about, but having just come from a baby shower I was all out of grace. Then my Olive necklace finally arrived – sporting the name Oliver. Sheesh. Back it goes.
Too much for one day. too much.
I think I’ll have a little cry and hope for brighter skies tomorrow.

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not long now…

my special necklace in remembrance of Olive has cleared customs and is on it’s way.
a little happiness.

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I don’t know what to say…

Your well wishes, kind words and reassurances have buoyed my spirits today. Thank you Sprogblogger for your generous mention and continued support.
People in life tend to move on from others misfortune quite quickly. It’s a real downer to sit with someone as they sift through grief.
And really, how can they be expected to understand the complex feelings associated with losing someone who, to them, never was?

Dearest internets, you visit. You stay for a little while. You say the right things. Or just come for a quiet moment. You listen to stories about little Olive. And Olive is real, because your being here and reading and sharing makes it real. Now Olive exists for you too. And maybe, just maybe sweet Olive will be remembered by more than my tears.
And for that I am eternally grateful.
I’m trying to catch up on all your stories. Your experiences give me a sense of belonging. And hopefully by stopping by, I make you feel a little better too.

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12 weeks day after tomorrow

…or it would have been.
12 weeks.
I feel like I have less right than others to feel this heart break. I mean, I have one right? And every one keeps telling me that. Is that the case? Or does it just mean that I know the real value of what I lost.
That I know that I lost.
Lost.
I know I lost the feeling of sharing the news. And sharing myself with someone else and feeling them grow and change and become some one. A person. My person.
Tomorrow was supposed to be the last day of notverywellconcealed secrets. Now it will be just another day that takes me further from. Further and further from.
Sigh. Another mark in the time line of my life. The days before. The days after.
Instead of 12 weeks day after tomorrow, I have two weeks since the first day after. And the count of all the days after began.

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would it hurt worse?

Wise words today from my friend at work. I said I wasn’t sure we’d try again. That I wasn’t sure I could go through losing another. So many people go through this again and again. And I don’t know how. The heartbreak. The raw, private, public, simple, complex, overwheming heartbreak. She said…but would it hurt worse not to try again?
Would it?
I hadn’t thought of that. Perhaps that’s how people make it through.
She said ‘maybe you’re stronger than you think’.
I thought ‘maybe you’re wiser than you think’, but said nothing. I didn’t want my voice to betray the tears I was trying so hard to keep from falling.
Is there worse?

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