Gonal-f’ing pain in the butt

er, or make that leg. First off, all is well in the estrogen department. I’m up to 200 and the follies are still resting. Nurse J thinks we’ll see them starting to grow next u/s on Thursday morning. Meds stay as is.

Cool. So do the injections today in the thigh. All three bleed. Now have a line of three buises that look like the start of orion’s belt.

Consider creating constellation stencils for injectors to use so at least when they’re through, the bruises make a statement. Could be astrological signs. Then thing, why stop there. Flowers, geometric shapes? Frank Lloyd Wright’s falling water?

I digress. Finish Gonal-F injection only to notice it doesn’t look like there’s enough for tomorrow’s dose. I only have one pen. It takes the pharmacy a day to order (and it’s after 5). WTF am I going to do I think to myself as my eyes start to well up. Bit of o a weeper  these days.

So send an email to the clinic asking for advice. They sell the drugs there, but thank goodness, our meds are covered under husband’s plan. So it’s far better for us to get a prescription filled at a pharmacy so it gets paid for.

No idea what we’re going to do. Have visions of cancelled cycle dancing in my head. Into the car, down to the pharmacy…Husband stays behind the wheel as there’s no where to park and I go in to find options.

The pharmacist isn’t much help. They have to order it. No they can’t get it tomorrow. No they don’t know where else to get it. Oh look there is a refill here (why the f didn’t you just order both at once) – but not much we can do. You could try calling around…

And then I start to cry. In front of 4 pharmacy staff, and 8 people standing around waiting for scripts. Now I feel like an idiot. And I still don’t have any f’ing gonal F.

Hmmm, call around? I call the drug mart closest to my clinic. There are a bunch of clinics in the same area and I figured that’d be my best bet. Get a woman on the phone who is very kind, sounds like she’s used to people calling and being a little – um – agitated (crazy) about these drugs. She quickly tells me they have it in stock. I can pick it up tomorrow. Not a problem. If I give her the number of my local pharm and details she’ll call and have the refill transferred. Not to worry. Done and done.

So long story short – I have to go pick up some more gonal-f tomorrow. It won’t be a problem though. And the injections continue.

Went to see Ben Folds tonight. He rocks. Took my mind off things for a couple of hours. Yay.

And for those keeping track of the report card – taxes? Check. Into the mail today.

Everything else on the list? Well, it’ll have to wait.

The “You-know-what-lets”

Can’t help it. Have to write this post despite wanting the buzz around 6 plus crazy lady plus 8 to fade swiftly away.

There is no point in discussing the creation, arrival or future of the 8. But I must take a moment to spill about why everyone needs to talk to me about the story.

Now I know I am in the middle of an IVF cycle. And I believe that everyone who knows is cheering for me, and only wants the best for me. And everyone who doesn’t know – well they don’t know. So how could they understand how far down their throats they’ve stuck their feet in the last few days.

I may know very little about the “you-know-what-lets”, but I do know this…

1. No I can’t really imagine having 8 babies at once. I can’t really imagine having one most of the time.

2. That is what happens with fertility treatments (in the hands of a crazy woman and a crackpot RE)

3. I don’t know why she would want to have more babies after she already has 6. I’m more interested in why she gets 14 and I get none.

4. Not idea how she’s going to pay for them. But then, in a couple of cycles, not really sure how I’d pay for one either so this pot won’t be calling the kettle black.

5. I agree the world is unfair and that people who really deserve babies don’t get them while other people who none of us know from Adam but are quick to judge just get to keep on havin’ ’em. And an especially big thanks for pointing that out to me in a big ‘ole room full of people.

6. It is a shame they don’t give out licenses for parenting. Lot of good the license did the doctor who put her in the situation.

7. I’m afraid I haven’t noticed that they never show the babies because I keep changing the channel.

8. No, I don’t want to have 8 babies and certainly not all at once- but given the choice – 8 or none I can’t say for sure which way I’d go.

Now don’t even get me started about the senior mom who had twins in Calgary. Seriously? 60?

Arrgghh!

You got here how?

Ok – so a few things to cover today. Before we get to “You got here how?”, let me first clear something up from yesterdays post…went for my mock transfer today – with endometrial biospy. IT WASN’T THAT BAD!!! So if you’re getting ready for one – fear not. Sure, it could be worse for some people than others. But in my experience ? It was alright.

Now back to the regularly scheduled post in which I ask – you got here how?

So I’ll admit that I do look at the blog stats and am curious how people end up here. Today – someone arrived by searching Baby Name Blogs.

BABY NAME BLOGS. I’m afraid I didn’t have much to offer that person. But , whoever you are, how about Follicle Names?

Yes, it’s true. I have named the follicles- every monitored cycle I’ve given a moniker to the main follies in the stable. There was Foll-E (during the cycle in which we saw Wall-E). Oh, and the cycle I had a horrible cold there were 2 big ones – Snuffle and Gus. There was  also ‘Big Guy’ the month that there was an unusually large follicle. Sadly, Foll-E, Snuffle, Gus and Big Guy never made it past that stage.

If we’d had a positive, perhaps we’d have nicknames for the baby-to-be – peanut, bean, Bab-E. But alas. No such luck.

So Baby Name searcher – who ever you are – I really hope that sometime in the future I will have such a post. And if not me, then one of the lovely folks in the blogroll to your right will. It is my hope that every blog I read will have the pleasure of having exactly what you’re looking for.

When should you check back? Well, we start Lupron tomorrow – will have our beta test somewhere around the middle of March. I’d check back around August.

Unless you are indeed looking for advice on Follicle Names. We start our monitoring on the 17th – 3 days after our stims start. So I’m sure you’ll find what you’re looking for somewhere around the 20th of Feb.

Tomorrow is Needle day 1. Only one injection a day until the stims. Then three a day. Maybe I can start naming the bruises. (Tumm-E)

We’re on our way.

The internet should use it’s power for good…

Instead of evil. Like yesterday, when I was researching the endometrial biopsy I’m having tomorrow and found these comments.

Go ahead. Scroll down to the comments. Apparently I’m walking into labour – you know- without the whole ‘finally get pregnant after all this time, carry successfully to term, have a natural birth then get to go home with a brand new baby thing’. No, just the labour.

I get that people feel the need to warn people so they have an idea what to expect – but my god people – now I’m terrified. Was that really, really necessary?

Right after my mock transfer/endometrial (LABOUR) biopsy, I get to part with enough money to buy a decent car, have a clinic appointment with my nurse to learn how to stab myself one or more times a day and head to the pharmacy to gleefully hand over enough for a second car.

I’d love to know how anyone who has just endured the worst pain of their life is supposed to check 3 things off the big to-do list in the 45 min that follow.

I hope that perhaps those who aren’t used to all the kings horses and all the kings men busting in past the cervix are perhaps more likely to feel great pain.

And maybe they didn’t have the pleasure of a full blatter ultrasound at the same time to keep their minds occupied.

I sure hope that’s the case. Because they want to investigate the cramping of my cervix at the same time – during the mock transfer – which I’m guessing means no drugs for me.

I’ll report back. I’ll be very honest. But not too honest. Because I will use the power vested in me by the interweb for good. And not evil.

Birth Control Freak

One of the counter-productive truths of trying to conceive is that you find yourself on the birth control pill shortly before an IVF cycle. Now it’s been a few months for us – too many if you ask me. But this is the second month on this new (to me) brand. And, it’s taken me a week or so to realize that I’ve pretty much gone off the deep end. And I think it’s all the pill’s fault.

I am freaking out at work, crying over cute doggies, panting at my desk – feeling like I’ve had 5 cans of diet Co.k.e. I’m all fracked up and I am fully and completely blaming the pill.

I am supposed to be cutting down on the stress – and even the thought that my stress is too stressful is stressing me out.

I am a freak.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better

Ready to hit play.

One of the things I find most discouraging about being infertile is how it’s like someone has hit the pause button on my life. Do I want to go on vacation? Hmmm, well I’d love to but…I could be cycling. Could be (please let me be) pregnant. Could be mourning a lost cycle. Might need tests. So no to vacation. How about a new job? Well, I might be interested except – Try a new sport? Well I’d hate to spend the money then find I couldn’t…

It’s like everything that moves me forward, personally or professionally is on hiatus. Maybe I’m too cautious. Or maybe I haven’t quite grasped that I should just live my life and see what happens. It’s so frustrating. See, if we were expecting, all the concessions would seem totally worth it. No drinking. No taking up something new and potentially harmful, mat leave’s coming – no need to change work.

Instead I feel like I’m living month to month. And every month it feels like it’s ok because it’s all going to change and then it will be ok. And then it doesn’t change. And then 3 months, a year, two years have gone by, month to month and nothing has changed.

I realized at the last party I went to that I’m boring to talk to. I used to be interesting – trying new things, returning from grand adventures, running marathons and meeting the man of my dreams.  Now – don’t want to talk about babies, family, no babies or anything that might lead to talk of babies and the like. Haven’t done anything or been anywhere due to constraints around making babies the new fashioned way. Have been consumed by my laser focus on finally having a positive cycle – I’ve keep my eyes on the prize with unwavering tenacity. At great cost.

Cost to the tune of having lost just about everything that used to make me – well, me. I’m not sure which is making me sadder today- the fact that we haven’t been able to conceive up to this point and find ourselves at IVF’s door. Or that I’ve lost just about everything I used to love in the process.

-running, ulitmate frisbee, exploring, ice skating, roller blading, snowboarding – (wouldn’t want to be too active…)hanging out with my friends (with kids), hanging out with my friends (about to have kids), hanging out with my friends (trying to have kids), hanging out with my friends (who might be thinking about trying to have kids), having too many drinks on a random night for no good reason, going to work events to catch up with past colleagues (for all the reasons above in the friend categories), shooting the shizz about the future with my husband.

I had a good life. And I loved it. And I miss it. And yes – I want a baby more than I want that life. But I’m not sure how much longer I can stand having no baby and no life. I don’t like feeling frozen in place. On pause.

The results are in…

See that dot dot dot up there? That’s because my DH got a call this AM that the clinic has the results back from his SA and they’ve booked an appointment on friday to discuss. DISCUSS? This cycle is supposed to start in 2 weeks. Is there something we need to talk about? I am completely freaked out.

I have been waiting. And waiting. And waiting for this cycle to start. Could they not have given some indication of good news or bad news on the phone? Sheesh.

Sent them an email. Stay tuned.

Sorry to leave you hanging there. Sent an email to the clinic basically telling them I was freaking out. Then got a response asking if it was ok for them to call and for the best number to reach me at?!!!

At that point my head was surprisingly close to spinning off my body.I sent the number and received a call about 10 min later. The first thing the nurse told me was to calm down. From there, the jist of it is that DH has a lower than normal motility on this test, and that they call everyone with results under norm in for an appointment. The take away for me was that because we’re doing IVF it won’t be a problem. Just wanted him to be aware. All in all, I felt really good about the exchange. Glad that I could freak out a bit and that they took the care to calm me down. It was miles better than any interaction I had with the previous clinic we were attending.

So the results are in. I am very glad we left the last clinic and am happy we’ve chosen them to help us in our quest.

Only 2 weeks till the ‘shoot ’em up begins. Time moves very slowly these days.