ice cream

All I craved when I was pregnant was dairy – and as a lactose intolerant person, that meant coming up with all sorts of work-arounds to get my fix.
I was prepared to give my kingdom for ice cream but there were no options that taste like the real thing.
4 days before I learned that i wasn’t really pregnant any more despite feeling ever last symptom including the desire to steal ice cream cones right out of kids hands, i bought an ice cream maker.
The first attempt (using my mom’s machine) failed miserably. Then i came home, learned the baby was not going to happen and decided i’d return the stupid ice cream maker.
Well, i didn’t. And today i went all foodie and made lactose free mint chocolate ice cream. It took all day. i infused the lactose free milk and cream with fresh mint. i created the custard. i turned it in the machine. i used chocolate drizzle to make the little bits.
And it was really friggin’ delicious. and i ate it and i thought of olive and how glad i was that i was inspired by that baby to make something so yummy and i didn’t cry or anything. i was grateful. i was sad. i was eating the most delicious ice cream i’d ever experienced. i carried on.
one foot in front of the other. one lick at a time.
We would have reached the 12 week mark this week. we might have made ice cream to celebrate. we would have told the world.
Instead i grieve – mostly alone. i put one foot in front of the other. i look for little things to bring me joy. joy with a small j. i carry on.

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2 Comments

Filed under ivf

2 responses to “ice cream

  1. celia

    I am so terribly sorry for your loss.

  2. sprogblogger

    In my experience, one step (or lick) at a time, one tiny piece of ‘joy’ with a small ‘j’ is the ONLY way to make it past grief. I don’t say ‘get over’, because I don’t think we ever get over it, but we do get through it. And deliberately finding things to notice, to celebrate, to create was the only way I could focus on anything other than crippling, devastating grief. I’m gad you kept the ice cream maker, and I’m glad you used it, and I’m really glad you were able to think of Olive while you were using it and enjoying it. It’s the best way to remember them, I think, while doing/thinking about something good that they brought about…

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