in or out…

Plodding along, post Olive, we can’t help but wonder what next? If we were “let’s hook it up and see what happens?” people we probably wouldn’t even be having these thoughts yet. Maybe we would. I guess I don’t know. But we are who we are. And we got here how we got here. And now we can’t help but think about if we have it in us to try again.
Yes – we should take some time and not think about it. But that is far easier said than done. When you’re already a cog in the wheel of the business of baby making you can’t just decide that you’re ready to try again.
You need to make appointments and fit into schedules. You have to be on the right path financially to make it happen (ie: figure out where you’re going to find/borrow/make an extra $13,000 before you come to the conclusion that you’re ready). You need to be ready to take time off work – the minimal time for appointments and procedures and the extra time you need because you know you’re going to freak-the-fuck-out if you do decide to give it another go.
You also have to come to terms with each passing day bringing your chances of having another miscarriage up and your chances of having a successful IVF and healthy pregnancy down.
Then you need to weigh all these things against the grief that has you treading water in your life and figure out the sweet spot when you can make a decision based on the things and feelings that are true. Without influence of the grief and the lingering hormones and the ways you think you’re supposed to feel, and the fear. And the money. Because dammit – decisions like these shouldn’t be about the money. And making a baby shouldn’t be about fear. And wanting a child shouldn’t be born from grief.
And I wish I didn’t feel the need to prepare for an ‘in’ decision 3 months before I feel like should be deciding if we’re in or out.

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2 Comments

Filed under ivf

2 responses to “in or out…

  1. It’s so hard to have to make these decisions on a timeline. And the money thing sucks. I would have loved to take some time after my miscarriage to grieve and have my life be somewhat normal for a while, but I felt like we had to move full steam ahead because I need this whole baby making endeavor over one way or the other (having a really hard time living in IF limbo), and I’m not getting any younger and that’s an issue for me…
    We are having success so far with this next try, as you know, (yay!) but there’s some exhaustion and grief from all our failed cycles that’s kind of been pushed aside and I don’t know when it will come out/be addressed.
    Anyway, kind of rambling here but I really wish time and money weren’t issues and that you weren’t in this situation at all…it just is not at all fair.
    Hugs to you…

  2. One other thing…just getting to some of my older blog comments…the photography workshop I’m doing that you asked about is called Shoot By Design…info here:
    http://www.mocking-bird.org/course-info/
    XO

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