12 weeks day after tomorrow

…or it would have been.
12 weeks.
I feel like I have less right than others to feel this heart break. I mean, I have one right? And every one keeps telling me that. Is that the case? Or does it just mean that I know the real value of what I lost.
That I know that I lost.
Lost.
I know I lost the feeling of sharing the news. And sharing myself with someone else and feeling them grow and change and become some one. A person. My person.
Tomorrow was supposed to be the last day of notverywellconcealed secrets. Now it will be just another day that takes me further from. Further and further from.
Sigh. Another mark in the time line of my life. The days before. The days after.
Instead of 12 weeks day after tomorrow, I have two weeks since the first day after. And the count of all the days after began.

Advertisements

7 Comments

Filed under ivf

7 responses to “12 weeks day after tomorrow

  1. Hello, just catching up on your story. So sad for you. mx

  2. sprogblogger

    Oh sweetie, the heartbreak? Yeah, it’s yours, and you have every single right to it, even if very few others really understand. Having one child doesn’t make it easier to lose another. If anything, you KNOW what was lost. And so you grieve. You grieve for the lost possibilities, and you grieve for Olive & you grieve for yourself because Olive was so very wanted. Thinking of you during this hard, awful time.

  3. Here via Sprogblogger and wanted to say how terribly sorry I am for your loss. There is no qualifier to how much you are allowed to grieve – already having a child does not make it hurt any less.

    For what it’s worth, after my 3rd loss, I was sure there was no possible way I could try again and risk that heartbreak. Then one day, CD1 actually, I was just ready. Give yourself time and don’t make any hard fast decisions. You never know how you might feel.

  4. I’m here from Sprogblogger and I am just so sorry. I read back a ways and I am sorry that your hopes and dreams were shattered.

    I am just sorry, really.

  5. Hi — here via Sprogblogger. I just want to say, I’m sorry. I know — because I’ve been there — how little that does. But you’re not alone. It’s incredibly insensitive for someone to suggest you’re not entitled to grief because you already have a child. Having had a child (via IVF #2 after IUIs, etc.) and now considering the prospect of IVF again for number two, I feel differently than when I approached IVF for number one, but that doesn’t make the desire any less real (if anything it’s just a different kind of intense, since as you said you know what you’re going after now).

    Anyway, maybe you ARE stronger than you think. When I had my m/c, a wise friend said the grief at some point changes and becomes sort of like carrying a little stone in your pocket that gets smaller and smaller. It’s always there in some form — never goes away completely — but over time it shrinks until you can carry it without it hurting so much. I hope you get there, and if you want to try again I know you will find the strength as that pebble gets smaller.

  6. Mo

    I’m so sorry. I don’t think that you feel a loss any less whatever your circumstances. A loss is a loss. Nothing makes it easier. I’m so sorry that you have to go through this.

  7. It is NOT any less painful. I have an almost 7 year old son and have been ttc # 2 for 3 years. IVF + Miscarriage @ 8 weeks. I would be appx 11 weeks. I try not to keep to close count, but my due date is etched in my mind. You are entitled to your heartbreak. It is real. So many people think its not because like you said “you already have one”. People don’t understand. I can empathize. Im so sorry.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s