I know, I know…

I have a cute baby boy who does cute baby things, blah, blah, blah.

My last post was kind of lame. But I need to make a record of what’s happening. You hear it said all the time and it’s so true. Time flies by. And I’m tired. And I’m busy (doing what, I’m not certain). And next week my little guy is 5 months old and I haven’t kept track of these moments, trying instead to stare at him so intently this time will be etched on my memory forever.

But it’s not going to be – I know because I’m already losing track of things we did – things he used to love and has now moved past – like the lights hanging over our kitchen island. He favourite place. His favourite things. Then – the only thing that would calm a fussy, gassy, sleepy and so on Baby Bubble for 2.5 months. Now they get just a glance before his gaze moves on.

I’m so in love with him but at the same time, every moment my heart is breaking. He’ll never be this baby that’s sleeping right now ever again. Each time he wakes up now there’s something new. Something different. And it’s wonderful and delightful and awe inspiring. But it means saying goodbye to something every day.

He used to be soothed to sleep by his dad walking him up and down the hallway. Then, one night – cry, cry, cry. We put him in his crib to figure out what was up and in the time it took us to run through the options he’d soothed himself to sleep. His dad, and the walking were keeping him awake. And then it was over – that precious time watching him resting his head on his father’s shoulder, eyelids bobbing up and down in ‘big blinks’.

I’m not a big fan of change. I’m a pack rat. I cling. To people I’ve lost. To things I have loved. And one of the hardest things about Bubble is falling in love with something new, losing something I’ve come to love about him every single day. And coming to terms with learning that’s part of being a parent. I can’t keep him the tiny little bundle I fell so hard for. I need to accept that was just one little bit of life with Bubble.

I know, I know. They grow up so fast. I just wasn’t ready for how fast. I wasn’t ready for all this change. Not in a ‘oh your life is going to change so much when you have kids’ way…I think I was ready for that. No, in a ‘the person you love is going to change every minute of every day so hang on “don’t like change girl” cause your heart is in for a hell of a ride’ way.


Filed under ivf

3 responses to “I know, I know…

  1. I can so relate to this post. Beautifully said. I too have found it incredibly difficult to embrace all of the new things while letting go of the moments that are now just memories. These moments are incredibly precious and hard won after infertility that I think it’s even more challenging for us to move on and be excited by the next big phase.

    The Bub is just gorgeous! What an adorable little man you have.

  2. Pingback: Bonsai baby | The Barreness's Blog

  3. Oh me too- I’m a clinger- and I so get this even though I am so far from it at the moment.

    Beautiful wonderful articulate sensitive post. Thank you!

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