Crunchy, spendy, fluffy, leche-y, judgy mom…

um, yeah. Sounds horrible doesn’t it? Well…sometimes looking in the mirror hurts.

Yup. I’ve come to realize I’m the Mom other mom’s hate. Do I look for green products and get out in the fresh air everyday? Eat organic and deny myself all sorts of things because I’m eating for 2? You bet! Is that the most expensive xxx? Only the best for my baby…Cloth dipes? Whenever possible! Bottle-fed? Nope, he refused and I’m going along with it because really…breast is best! Oh and you’re feeding your baby what? Is that a good idea?

I’m surprised the other Mommies haven’t ditched me completely. I’m kind of an asshole. But really, after suffering through IVF (and I was fortunate enough to only go through it once…I can only imagine what many cycles would have turned me into) I believe that whatever is best for the baby is best for me. Because I have a baby and dammit – I am not going to do one little thing to him that might in any way now or in future cause him harm.

In short – I am creating a monster every minute of every day.

Well, 2 monsters – him and me – and I can’t seem to stop myself. I hear all these things coming out of my mouth and I want to throttle me.

I have even said – “I had to ask my doctor if I’ve lost my baby weight too fast…” to other Mom’s in a discussion about normal jeans. What’s worse? Then going on to say I had to buy smaller jeans than my ‘normal’ jeans because I’m just too thin.

Yeah. I’m surprised I didn’t get a pie in the face.

The thing is, I was genuinely worried. Just like I am about the food and the nursing and the dioxins in the diapers and the quality of the plastic of his toys and the right amount for me to eat and the right amount for him to eat. I sound like a big ole b-iatch but I’m just so damned anxious all the time that something’s gonna go wrong and poof – he’ll be gone – just a beautiful dream I had about a beautiful boy – a dream in which I was happy.

So if you’re reading this – you mommies I hang around with – all the judging it seems like I’m doing – it’s not of you. It’s of me. Because I think there’s a little part of me that believes if I had somehow been better in my life long before I wanted to be pregnant I would have gotten there more easily. And there wouldn’t have been all the waiting and the hoping and the hurting. It would have just happened. So now that it has happened I will never let myself feel that ‘I only I’d’ ever again.

See, I’m the mom you hate. But I hate you more. Figuratively. Not literally. Because you didn’t have to worry about anything then. And you don’t now. Heck, you’re already talking about the next one.

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6 Comments

Filed under ivf

6 responses to “Crunchy, spendy, fluffy, leche-y, judgy mom…

  1. Just sending you BIG LOVE
    and
    yeah, I get the whole dream thing–
    and the constant vigilance

    and
    I wish on you the comfort of knowing he IS here and WILL stay and that you can relax, say, .005% and it would still be ok. And I wish on you permission to do so. But I also know I am talking crazy here.

    xoxoxo
    Kate

  2. Hal

    This is the kind of mom I would probably be.

  3. oh god, I know this all too well, I thought the crazies would stop (or at least slow) once bub was actually here but instead there’s a million more things to worry and obsess about and don’t I just just hate other mums… while envying their total ease and confidance (or is that a naivety?)

  4. I am your sister, so I should be the quickest to see “the monster” but you are not a monster. I think you are quite balanced and sane about it, particularly after everything you went through. For reals!

  5. M

    You go woman, that is what it takes to have a HEALTHY baby these days… let the swayers be swayed, you be true to your matriarchal ways.

    My children were born with a woman midwife in my home, and I was warrior in the early 80’s, and because of my vigilance my 24 and 27 year old’s are very healthy and have a strong constitution as their foundation, because they know their mom loved them enough to do the ‘right thing’… the natural and healthy thing.

  6. Lisa

    Hard to believe Bubble is about to turn one. Time goes way too fast! I hope things are well!

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