Caution Tape

I feel like I’m in a sticky situation. I want to be jumping up and down. After 2 1/2 years of trying shouldn’t I be over the moon? Instead I’m wandering around alternating between utter disbelief and abject terror.

I’m still so shocked. I genuinely did not believe we’d ever get here. I figured we’d do all we could and then accept our life.

And now that we’ve made it 10 steps past never, I can’t imagine never having had these last 2 days. And I’m terrified that it won’t last. And that I’ll be back to never before you know it.

Proceed with caution is the sign flashing in my head. I view being pregnant as a ‘right now’ thing – completely separate from having a baby. I don’t feel like I’m having a baby. That’s something that happens to people who succeed in being preggo. Me? I’m just a rookie.

It’s like I’ve been to a thousand job interviews for a position that ‘those people’ get and I don’t. Except I catch a break. And get hired. On a day-to-day basis. We’ll see how it goes. If it goes well, you can come back tomorrow.

Will it get easier? Will I get to be thrilled? Will it end? Soon? In a tempest of tears?

Shit. I’m mad at infertility today – for robbing me of the chance to be blissful about this.

Don’t get me wrong – I’m happy – I’m flabbergasted. But I’m also afraid and concerned and madly in love with something that’s now the size of a poppy-seed. And I don’t want anything to come between me and the bubblebabies.



Filed under ivf

9 responses to “Caution Tape

  1. Believe me, I am terrified as well. It still hasn’t hit that we’re, indeed, pregnant. You’ll soon be following in my footsteps and we’ll be right next to each other, I am so excited for both of us!

    BTW, you’re the one who promted me to test! 🙂

  2. awakeintheworld

    What you’re saying really makes sense. I hope all goes well for you during the probationary period and that you get the job and all the promotions and all of that. 🙂

  3. lifeandloveinthepetridish

    just catching up. i’ve been a little…distracted.

    your post is well, put, all of it. i think all you can do is be where you are right now” hesitant, excited, terrified. It will shift over time, a little bit as each day passes. Am sending all my thoughts that this sticks.

    CONGRATS!!!! (even if it doesn’t feel real yet)


  4. skosche

    Don’t be afraid. Keep telling yourself that things will be fine. your body knows when your being negative. You have to stay positive. I give you lots of credit for peeing on a stick. I am too afraid to do that. I want to, beleive me (I have so many at home from the 4 years of trying) but i have to stay positive and if i dont see that plus sign, there goes all my hope.

  5. Sil

    I totally understand. I wanted that simple experience of trying and getting a positive test and enjoying the experience. Mostly a lot of anxiety from me. One day I freaked out because my nauseous went away and I thought something was wrong (until I ended up dry heaving on the side of the road). It’s hard to take it for granted after all you’ve been through. So some worry is normal. Hope you can find a way to enjoy things about it, too!

  6. You are not alone. IF does rob us of the bliss of pregnancy, but it also gives us the knowledge and strength to whole-heartedly appreciate the life of a child. My thoughts are with you as you teeter totter with this amazing news. So happy for you!

  7. Janice

    Hey, I probably would be the same way..but really…YOUR PREGNANT!…hehe..I will be excited for you..

  8. IF robs us of so much of the stressfree joy. Being pee-stick pregnant is such a hard won battle, that it’s completely normal to be terrified. I’m totally excited for you, but understand the caution. May you have a great beta, wonderful doubling numbers and may the time pass quickly until your first u/s, so you can start to breathe a little easier.

  9. opl, just sending love. we don’t know each other, but the place that you are- this place between wonder and worry– gosh darn, I can hardly blame you. Once again, a wonderfully eloquent post about something so hard– wishing you all good things, day by day by day by day.

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