Afraid of Blowing Bubbles

Bubble Baby is still in there – growing away, boosting beta and disturbing my digestion. I know it’s in there – though there’s no ultrasound proof – and I love it very much.

Perhaps an irrational amount because I am plagued with fear of blowing this. I am worried about tying my shoes, bouncing on the streetcar, starving Bubble by not eating enough, squishing Bubble by eating too much.  I’m turning into a whole different kind of crazy person.

I’m not sure if this fear will subside. Once we see the ultrasound or hear the heartbeat or creep out of the first trimester will I feel like I can let my guard down and just be excited about it?

I have wanted this and worked for this and sacrificed for this…and it just feels so precarious. So fleeting.

And then I fear that it will abruptly come to an end and I won’t have properly soaked in the majesty of it all. Bubble feels at arms length. Like a Bubble in a bubble. Or a snowglobe. I can get the sense of it. I get glimpses of the future. But I can’t quite let it in – there’s a barrier – there’s a crippling fear – standing guard.

I want the wonder of these moments, these miraculous moments to dispearse every particle of afraid. So I can burst through the wall, skip through the puddles, smile at the sun and feel the warm radiant joy that comes with Bubbles.

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2 Comments

Filed under bubble, ivf

2 responses to “Afraid of Blowing Bubbles

  1. I know what you mean. It’s hard to know that something is growing inside you and have worked for so long and hard and know that it can end in a heartbeat.

    However, soak it in, as I am, I am sure it will be here for a long time and in 8 months you’ll wonder where the heck the time has gone and why you worried for so many days, over nothing.

  2. I didn’t get a chance to stop by yesterday….CONGRATS on your second beta!! Such great news, and I’m so happy for you.

    I don’t think anything you’re feeling is irrational. I don’t have any advice except to take it one day at a time and enjoy all you can (which it sounds like you are doing!).

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