Category Archives: infertility

Have my Cake and Eat it Too…

I have to say that when I decided the No-Baby Shower was a good idea I was a long way from where I am today. I was strung out on Lupron – had the threat of cancel at every turn and needed something to look forward to that wasn’t going to suddenly go away.

Then in the blink of an eye I found myself post ER with sweet little embies tucked away in the lab and my need to mark the occasion changed. Changed – but didn’t go away.

My camera got lost in the ‘mom’s coming over oh shit we’d better clean up around here scramble’ but I can describe my first official “NBS”.

I bought myself a gift on the interwebs and it arrived Friday afternoon while I was still floating on a sea of valium/morphine. New Rubber boots. Here, let me see if I can find a photo online.

boots

They’re super swell. Then I made chocolate cupcakes with mint icing for party food. I listened to Ingrid Michaelson as I savoured my cupcake and I had an inch (I swear, just an inch) of Cline – Zinfandel. I really miss wine.

And all the while I was supposed to be thinking about me and how it’s ok that we haven’t added to our family yet and  that doesn’t make me any less deserving of some pampering – I couldn’t keep my mind off our little embies.

(Which doesn’t bode well for all the swearing up and down that if I had a baby I would be able to maintain a conversation about something not related to said child)

So here’s the report: Of the 6 we had yesterday – all 6 are still growing strong. All are grade 1 or 2 on a 1-5 scale with 1 being best. 5 are 3-4 cells which is right where they should be and the 6th is a bit ahead.

As my friend Janice said this morning… (she’s my buddy at the clinic who’s ER and ET are the same days as mine and is the exact mirror of my cycle including estrogen levels as we stimmed, number of follicles retrieved and fertilized and number still going strong today) I am more pregnant than I have ever been to my knowledge.

I am the mother of 24 cells – give or take. So I had a second cupcake to celebrate the majesty that will be returned to my care on Wednesday. I know there’s still a very long road. They may not make it through. But I feel so incredibly blessed to feel this joy.

A fab pair of boots. And 6 little fighters. I didn’t get one gift today. I got seven. Eight if you count the hope I thought had abandoned me.

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Is there precedent for the Lupron Defence?

First off, I’d really like to thank everyone for their kind words, well wishes and heart-felt support. I really does mean the world to me. And every time a comment arrives, it takes the curse off that hour and makes me feel better. I am very grateful.

Second – between 7 AM and 8:30 tomorrow I have my baseline ultrasound and the thumbs up or thumbs down to continue. I’m really pulling for two thumbs up because I’m not sure I can take another round of Fruit Loups.

Oh Wednesday, Wednesday – more than once today I thought it was already sweet Thursday – but alas – still two working days to go. To get through the Wednesday Drearies, and to mark my one week Lupronaversay I give you…

Ten things I’ve snapped at my Husband about…

(Or ten reasons why my husband won’t be buying pharmaceutical stock any time soon.)

1. What time he needs to drop me off at work… “How the F’ am I supposed to know when you need to drop me off so you can be on time?”

2. Why Idol isn’t recording on the PVR…”How the F am I supposed to know why it isn’t working. Maybe it’s broken”

3. Where are the car keys…”How the F am I supposed to know. Look where you left them”

4 Why we don’t go to bed earlier…”Why the F would I go to bed earlier when I can’t F’ing sleep.”

5. Where the leftover chicken is located in the fridge. “You put it back, how the F should I know where it is.”

6. If I want to finish my juice smoothie. “Why the F would I have offered it to you if I still wanted it?”

7. How I’m feeling…”Look at me, how the F do you think I’m feeling.”

8. Am I ready for work…”I’m standing here in my coat at 8 am, what the F do you think I’m ready for?”

9. What’s the matter?…”I’m thirsty, I’m fattening like a piggy in spring, I can’t sleep, I want to rip everyone’s throat out and I have cramps. Where do you F’ing want me to start with what’s the matter?”

10. (and my personal favourite repeated every day at 6:30 PM) How was that one? …”I just jammed a(nother) F’ing needle in my gut! How the F do you think it was?

Maybe if we finally get our BFP we can name the baby Loupy Von F Bomb. Or Getoutofmy Way.

I’ll report back on the baseline once I hear.

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PMMS – pre (menstral/menopausal) syndrome

Right. Forgot. You still get your period on Lupron. Like I’m not crazy enough…

I have this completely irrational fear that I’m going to go to the clinic on Thursday morning to have my ultrasound only to find that my cycle had been cancelled and all this loop-de-lupron will be for nothing.

It’s pretty shameful that I’m not even worried about whether or not we’ll get our BFP because I’m too worried we won’t even get a shot at finishing the cycle.

This whole thing sure does a number on you.

I remember ‘trying’ like it was this carefree, slightly naughty thing we did without telling anyone. It was way too soon in our relationship to have thrown caution to the wind. And when I looked at those early HPTs I really expected to see two lines. I’d shake them like a polaroid picture thinking the second line was just taking it’s time to ‘develop’. And then, oh well, next month. Hee hee – back to the secret naughty.

Somewhere along the line, after the opk’s, the preliminary appointments, the perfectly timed ‘romantic weekends’, the ‘just relaxing’ turned into relax my ass. I am broken. I am a broken woman. (Currently a quite bloated – rather moody, glassy-eyed maniac broken woman). WTF?

Now I’m a whiney blogger too.

ARRGHH! I miss the secret naughty.

I wonder if the people who got pregnant right away are secretly jealous of the injections? No?

The only thing that keeps me hopeful that the baseline will go okay is if the cycle goes away then I never get to make the jump from one needle a day to three. And I’m pretty sure there’s no way the universe would let me miss out on that!

2 sleeps to baseline! then 2 weeks (give or take) till ER.

Please let this work. I’m tired of trying. I’m tired of hormoaning. I’m tired of being the one in the room everyone has to change the subject around. I’m tired of Lupron induced insomnia.

Beh. I’m tired.

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Things I hope I remember if I ever have a baby…

The temperature is warming up. And I forgot that warmer weather means the return of life to my neighbourhood. This includes the baby brigade. We live in a pretty yuppie neighbourhood – great if you have a baby. Not so great if you want one and can’t seem to have one. Of course, when we moved here, we figured we’d fit right in in no time. Apparently not. I had conveniently forgotten  – over the long very cold winter – about the babyrotti that roam the streets in the hood.

Long story short – they’re out in full force. Now those with bumps last year are pushing strollers and a bumper crop of new expectants are strolling around flaunting their fertile selves.

Apparently I have grown colder as time wears on – or this Lupron is turning me into a mega-bit.ch because these were my observations today. Don’t hate me because I’m miserable.

1. We’re in a Sta.rbu.cks so the drink everyone is holding is very hot. Maybe a toddler shouldn’t be dancing right now.

2. Maybe people under 3 feet shouldn’t be crossing behind a car with reverse lights on when mom and dad are trying to get child 2 out of the car.

3. It is cute when children stand in the middle of the sidewalk. It’s not cute when 2 parents with giant empty stoller stand in the middle of the side walk to reflect on the cuteness.

4. Strangers don’t always love to see your kids try and try to open a door by themselves when they are all lined up to exit said door.

5. Fertile people don’t rule the freakin’ world.

Ok, there, I said it.

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Good Riddance

Dear Pill,

It’s over. I knew when we got back together that is wasn’t what I really wanted but you know, how sometimes, you just go along with things? Well, I did what was right for me at the time, and now, we’re through.

When we first got together all those years ago, I fell in love with you. You were part of my coming of age story, you brought freedom and joy and I’ll always remember you for that.

After those first years we were a little hot and cold. The things that made you bad for me became more apparent. You made me feel bad. Made me moody and weepy and blue. We parted ways.

And then, we tried again for a while after I was first diagnosed with endo. But my heart just wasn’t in it any more. You brought more bad than good and we said good bye again.

Sometimes I wish we’d stayed that way, but we didn’t. We’d try and things wouldn’t work out. But I never gave up the hope that we’d make it through.

We’d had a good clean break for quite some time. And I can say with all honesty that I thought we were done. Until fate, and big fat cysts brought us together again.

I would have dropped you months ago – loved you and left you after the cysts were cleared  but fate had other plans for us. Schedules. The holidays. Timing

After today, we won’t be together anymore. And I hope you don’t take it the wrong way when I say I really hope I never have to see you again. I know it’s a cliche but it’s not you, it’s me. You give millions of people exactly what they need. Really, It’s not that you’re bad, Pill. It’s just that you’re bad for me. You’re standing between me and the life that I want. As long as you’re here with me, that life can never be.

So good -bye and good riddance. Today is the end of my life with you. Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life. If you every loved me Pill, even a little, you’ll go away now and never, never look back.

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You always remember your first time…

Ah, remember when making a baby involved a different kind of poking?

Today was our first injection. After bringing home a load of drugs impressive enough to have all three pharmacists at my local drug store abandon what they were up to and come to the counter to wave and shout good luck, I proceeded to mentally prepare myself for the first jab.

Any Lord of the Ring fans out there? No – ok then I’ll try and re-frame the reference. It might seem like just one needle. But you step out your door on this adventure. And you only plan on going to the end of the drive, or the end of the street. Then you find you’ve travelled twice as far as you ever thought you’d have to. And certainly twice as far as you ever thought you could.

And at that moment you realize you just have to keep walking. Because your task, your journey. It just isn’t finished yet.

So today – as I was thinking about my first needle I realized that I may be on my first injection but I’m already so far  in that it feels more like the start of a new chapter in a book that’s hopefully 3/4 through than a whole new story. Which brought me great comfort. I sometimes think it’s never going to work, but that I have to try everything so that when I give up I can do so without regret.

But today it felt like maybe having a baby was possible. And that needle delivered a shot that was 1 part Lupron and 2 parts hope.

Almost as much as there was the first time my husband and I ‘had the talk’ and decided we’d try in earnest to have a baby. All that time ago. The feeling of trust and love and commitment that I took from that day and the days that followed, through one No after another didn’t fade. Just got a little lost in the shuffle.

But tonight as he was holding the sharp container and I was fighting with air bubbles and alcohol swaps it swept over me all over again. It felt so right – the two of us trying to have a baby. And I was nearly overcome. Just like the first time.

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You got here how?

Ok – so a few things to cover today. Before we get to “You got here how?”, let me first clear something up from yesterdays post…went for my mock transfer today – with endometrial biospy. IT WASN’T THAT BAD!!! So if you’re getting ready for one – fear not. Sure, it could be worse for some people than others. But in my experience ? It was alright.

Now back to the regularly scheduled post in which I ask – you got here how?

So I’ll admit that I do look at the blog stats and am curious how people end up here. Today – someone arrived by searching Baby Name Blogs.

BABY NAME BLOGS. I’m afraid I didn’t have much to offer that person. But , whoever you are, how about Follicle Names?

Yes, it’s true. I have named the follicles- every monitored cycle I’ve given a moniker to the main follies in the stable. There was Foll-E (during the cycle in which we saw Wall-E). Oh, and the cycle I had a horrible cold there were 2 big ones – Snuffle and Gus. There was  also ‘Big Guy’ the month that there was an unusually large follicle. Sadly, Foll-E, Snuffle, Gus and Big Guy never made it past that stage.

If we’d had a positive, perhaps we’d have nicknames for the baby-to-be – peanut, bean, Bab-E. But alas. No such luck.

So Baby Name searcher – who ever you are – I really hope that sometime in the future I will have such a post. And if not me, then one of the lovely folks in the blogroll to your right will. It is my hope that every blog I read will have the pleasure of having exactly what you’re looking for.

When should you check back? Well, we start Lupron tomorrow – will have our beta test somewhere around the middle of March. I’d check back around August.

Unless you are indeed looking for advice on Follicle Names. We start our monitoring on the 17th – 3 days after our stims start. So I’m sure you’ll find what you’re looking for somewhere around the 20th of Feb.

Tomorrow is Needle day 1. Only one injection a day until the stims. Then three a day. Maybe I can start naming the bruises. (Tumm-E)

We’re on our way.

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