Hey hey, I see people have been checking in but I haven’t really had much to say. I had a horrific cold/cough/sore throat which put a damper on my supplements as I couldn’t really swallow. But I’m back on the regime and I’m still not 100% sure but I’m keeping on track so my options are open.
In the meantime, I’m starting a new blog. I have realized I need to spend some time focusing on being a Mom and not just trying to be a Mom. So if you feel like getting to know that part of my life better, skip on over to mommydo and have a look. I’m still filling content and working on some things. I haven’t spread the word there’s anything there. It feels a little light – but I suppose after baring my soul here for almost 3 years, recipes and sewing projects would seem a little light.
I’ll still be posting here from time to time. But as this in-between plods along there might be more there than here.
Hope everyone else is well.
If you have a moment, drop on over to see Mo @ Mommyodyssy. She recently lost her boy Nadav at 23 weeks.
Gotta go take some more vits.
You know, when you see someone (ok someone like me) do some weird stretchy move then lean in and take a big whiff to see if they’re stinky?
The bo.ob equivalent is what I keep doing to my chest. Cross my arms in front and squeeze? Does that make them hurt? nope.
How about press my bag against them? nope. Brrr, it’s cold in here…and squeeze. Still nope.
I’m not feeling very prego here. Not that I did this early the last time or anything. Not that anyone on the internet, even if you spend an hour or maybe two googling it, feels anything this early.
But it seems like I should get to feel something by now.
Except this feeling of dread that creeps over me in quiet times that whispers “negative, negative, negative.
I forgot how much I hate this wait. (sorry, had to stop typing for a bo.ob check – nothing) I really is the worst.
Oh – and in case I didn’t mention it – our last little guy didn’t make it. So these two on board – they’re our only hope. My last hope. Which just splits my heart right open.
I just don’t feel ready to say, we’re done.
when you’re waiting to hear if you’re expecting.
Today is transfer day. Of the 5 that were there Sunday, 2 had arrested. 1 was no looking good. 1 was a cavitating morula and one is a perfect AA grade blast. So the A student and the B student were transferred at 10:30 this morning – the doc was 1/2 late and I told him we should get 2 babies for the price of one ’cause he kept me waiting 30 min with a full bladder.
So we’re pregnant until proven otherwise. 2 maybe babies on board.
When we were driving back to from the clinic my husband yelled at a dumb driver – “Hey- precious cargo here, blasts on board.” That made me chuckle. If only we had signs like that or a secret handshake to let others know we were the walking waiting. The hopeful. The damned. Maybe then this stupid wait wouldn’t seem so long. Or so lonely.
I am pregnant today.
And I wait.
Tomorrow I’ll learn if any of the embies survived (they don’t check them today, they just let them be). Tomorrow, if we’re lucky, one or two will be safely aboard. Tomorrow, if we’re really really lucky will be the first day of whole pile of firsts.
Tomorrow one wait ends and another begins.
It’s a big day tomorrow. Big day.
Retrieval tomorrow morning.
Sigh. When they’re all still in there, nothing can go wrong…
Out here in the big bad world – big bad things can happen to them – and I can’t protect them any more.
The one thing I think having Bubble has done for me in this cycle is make me acutely aware of the potential in each of the Follies. Last time there was an over arching sense, a vague sense of what they might become and what that meant to me.
Now there is concrete proof of what’s in those little fellers. And what I’ll lose with every one that ceases to grow as we wait to transfer.
That is, if we get any to fertilize and thrive at all.
Gawd. Stupid unknown. Stupid secondary infertility. Which doesn’t feel all that different from the primary infertility that put me in the same retrieval-eve panic what seems like yesterday.
I’ll let you know how it goes once I know.
It’s only a day away.
Sure did. Until today when it really hit me (in the stomach. With pointy objects. That I was jabbing. Into myself) that we’re really doing this all over again. I swore up and down I never would.
Funny how we’re so sure of things until we’re so sure of exactly the opposite.
And it’s not that I thought it would be easy this time. I just didn’t realize it would be this hard.
Last time (in case you’re new here, last time we were fortunate enough to be successful on our first IVF and subsequently had the Bub) it felt like we were trying something new and it may or may not work and we’d go from there.
This time feels more like an end than a beginning.
If it works – the end, our family is complete.
If it doesn’t – the end. Our family is complete.
There’s a part of me that is resigned to endings – not beginnings. Defense mechanism? Fatalism? Stabbingyourselfinthegutism?
There’s a melancholy in my heart I can’t seem to shake.
Maybe this whole not-so-many-egg thing is just f.uc.king with me.
2 injections – gonal-f dose 300ui, luveris 75 + a thyroid drug that’d been added to the protocol. There will be another injection added in next week.
Yesterday for day 0 numbers there were a total of 6 resting follices (10 the last round) and an e2 of 92.
Not many resties. not many eggs expected. a whole lot of drugs still to be injected. not a speck of hope detected.
I thought I was tough enough. But now? I feel a million miles away from where I had once hoped this would get me.
And i’m finding that to be a tough pill to swallow.
Day 5 transfer it is. On Wednesday (time TBD) the little embies – or blasts as they should be by that point – come on home.
In case you were wondering:
(answers to some of the brilliant questions I’ve been asked by people IRL)
1. No, we won’t be transferring all six back to make me sexto-mom.
2. No, transferring two doesn’t guarantee we’ll get two babies (or one for that matter).
3. No, we won’t know the sex at this stage of the game.
4. Yes it will be great to have the wait over. (Not that it means the waiting is done – we switch one wait for another.)
5. No, I can’t visit them in the lab tomorrow.
Right now we still have 6 little dudes in the lab – all are grade 1 and 2 (on a 1 to 5 scale with 1 being best). There are 3 9cell+, 1 7-8 cell and 2 6 cell.
Not sure I’ll get a report tomorrow – I think it’s just the time to come for transfer so likely won’t know any more till Wednesday.
Phew. Made it through another day. Hang in there little guys. We’re almost past this part.
PS : I got another award today and still can’t figure out how to get the little picture on my blog. That’s 2 I’m behind on. Can anybody help?
Filed under infertility, ivf