The numb goes on…

Sorry about the lack of posts, just isn’t much to say. So i’m focusing on the house, (we bought a money pit and I’m looking into the next round of fixes), making ice cream – maple with wet walnuts this weekend, work, everything but how I feel about olive.
lost. Sad. Angry. Hurt. Stalled. Sorry. Heartbroken.

I had no idea I’d feel this heartbroken for so long. I knew I’d feel a lot of things for a long time. But the numbness of the pure and utter heartbreak persists.

So I go about my days filling the empty spaces with quoting things we likely won’t have done any time soon and planning what ice cream to make next.

Because I’m still craving the damn ice cream. And in craving it I get to feel things are just as they were before the numbness. Before the were not.

Before the heartbreak.



Filed under ivf

3 responses to “The numb goes on…

  1. Yes. Just, yes. Keep writing about it, talk if you can find someone IRL who’ll listen–I was astonished to learn that my own mother had suffered a loss and no one in our family knew. Truly, women who understand are all around you–but I think it is all about giving yourself time to work through it, and being gentle with yourself while you do.

    Something else, that helped me immensely when I could not pick myself up once, I went to a therapist, who said something that helped me deal with it. She reminded me that not only had I lost a baby, but that my body was going through true post-partum depression as all the pregnancy hormones left my system in a rush. It can take MONTHS for your body to get back to feeling ‘right’, and the overwhelming sadness is also tied into that–it’s physical at this point, not just mental. So go easy on yourself. You physically CAN’T just ignore it, your body & brain are conspiring to make you feel this way on top of the grieving.

    And post whenever you feel like it–I do think that writing it out helps more than anything else. It’s a safe place to talk without having to worry about anyone else’s feelings on the subject. Thinking of you, and wishing I could being tea and toast, flowers and knitting projects. And ice cream, of course. Ice cream is ALWAYS a good thing.

  2. Hugs to you…so sorry you are hurting so much.
    I’m entering my 9th week of pregnancy today, which is also when I lost my last baby and I know when you lost yours. Thinking of you lots this week and hoping for some peace for you…

  3. I’m so sorry to hear about your loss… I’ve been on a blogging break and didn’t realise until today. My heart goes out to you and didn’t realise myself how deep the pain can be until I went through it. Thinking of you and love to you always xoxo

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