So you think you’re so tough…

Sure did. Until today when it really hit me (in the stomach. With pointy objects. That I was jabbing. Into myself) that we’re really doing this all over again. I swore up and down I never would.
Funny how we’re so sure of things until we’re so sure of exactly the opposite.
And it’s not that I thought it would be easy this time. I just didn’t realize it would be this hard.
Last time (in case you’re new here, last time we were fortunate enough to be successful on our first IVF and subsequently had the Bub) it felt like we were trying something new and it may or may not work and we’d go from there.
This time feels more like an end than a beginning.
If it works – the end, our family is complete.
If it doesn’t – the end. Our family is complete.
There’s a part of me that is resigned to endings – not beginnings. Defense mechanism? Fatalism? Stabbingyourselfinthegutism?
There’s a melancholy in my heart I can’t seem to shake.
Maybe this whole not-so-many-egg thing is just f.uc.king with me.
2 injections – gonal-f dose 300ui, luveris 75 + a thyroid drug that’d been added to the protocol. There will be another injection added in next week.
Yesterday for day 0 numbers there were a total of 6 resting follices (10 the last round) and an e2 of 92.
Not many resties. not many eggs expected. a whole lot of drugs still to be injected. not a speck of hope detected.
I thought I was tough enough. But now? I feel a million miles away from where I had once hoped this would get me.
And i’m finding that to be a tough pill to swallow.


Filed under 2nd ivf, conceive, infertility, ivf

2 responses to “So you think you’re so tough…

  1. Best of luck we had luck with IVF after a long road towed. I love the “family complete” quote. Perfection.

  2. Hi… Thank you for following my blog and your gorgeous comment. I would love to keep sharing this journey with you and share your feelings of uncertainty heading into this cycle. Email/comment me your email address and I’ll add it to my list. Love always xoxo

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