I think I’m quiet because I feel bad…

Lately this blog has been a bit of a snore – heck, I’m the first to admit it. And I’ve been trying to figure out what my problem is. And I believe it’s this – I feel bad.

As thrilled as I am to be here – I haven’t quite come to terms with leaving ‘trying to get pregnant’ and all the ups and downs and heartache. For one, I’m looking for disaster at every turn thinking that this twinge or that pinch is the beginning of the end and what a sad sop I’ll look like after gushing all these months about the miracle and the joy only to be taken down – lower than I was before.

And then there’s all the bad news. I’m having a really hard time with all the bad news. I realize the weepyness isn’t helping. But I have so many friends in real life and folk here on the internet who are sharing stories of heartbreak and loss and grief and I don’t know why this story – my story with Bubble – continues to move along, days and weeks and milestones getting ticked off, while others have veered off to other paths paved with tears. Why’d I get so lucky?

Did I? Will my luck run out?

Infertility is so cruel in it’s ability to keep hold of you no matter what.

I love the stories, I read the journeys, I hope with all hope that no one has to feel pain or sadness or loss. I love celebrating the successes and I adore getting to know someone better, one post at a time.

But I feel a bit like slinking in the background. Like somehow I got the prize without having to go through all the stages of the game.

Like I cheated.


Filed under ivf

4 responses to “I think I’m quiet because I feel bad…

  1. Oh sweet pink lines, you did not cheat, no one does. This particular brass ring comes with thorny things– worries, knowing too much about all that could go wrong, too much body awareness that makes blissful ignorant joy and certainty impossible. We know too much. I felt in my brief pregnancy like I had one foot in the boat and one on the shaky dock, neither here nor there- not truly in IF land anymore, but not really pregnant in the way I wanted to be– HAPPILY SO. And I felt a little lonely and estranged.
    Gosh how I wish on us all the ability to forget and just be. So we can enjoy each moment for the precious gift it is. But man alive, in the face of all we have experienced and all that we know to be true, how impossible. So please, steal moments of pure joy, you’ve absolutely earned it just by getting here, and you deserve joy, you do. If this were all fair we would all have healthy babies when we wanted, if we wanted,. But this is not about fairness, it is about luck and egg drop soup and magical potions and past lives and planetary alignment. Hang in there, enjoy the moments you can, and know we are all powerless against the loss, the grief and yes, even the worry that comes from walking this road. And I celebrate your pregnancy each day- I do. It gives me hope and lets me feel like things are possible which is one of the greatest gifts ever. It is so easy to get jaded and cynical with all of this shite.
    With love, Kate

  2. K

    Gosh, I always hate leaving a comment after Kate. She always says it all and says it with such graceful authority. But I second her comments…and please relieve yourself of the guilt. And, I still read your blog every time you post, even if I don’t comment…sort of like peeking in to be sure all is well. And since it is…savour it.

  3. sprogblogger

    I read your blog every time you post, too. I find it incredibly comforting that your little Bubble continues to hit milestones and get that much closer to being a real, live baby.

    The last thing you should feel is survivors’ guilt. You are a part of our community – the inspiring part – and you deserve every scrap of happiness you can wring from this experience. Unfortunately, since you are a part of this community, you also have the burden of knowing that things can go wrong which most pregnant ladies are never quite so aware of as we are.

    And I, for one, am delighted that your pregnancy has been so uneventful. Might make for “boring” blog posts, but I find something wonderful and inspiring and delightful in quiet posts noting that one more milestone was reached, one more hurdle leaped over.

    Looking forward to more quiet posts to remind me that not everything about this process is scary or grief filled. Sometimes, growing a baby is just peaceful and calm – and that’s a reminder I need, these days.

  4. becomingwhole

    One of the myriad ways that infertility craps on your life is that it not only gives you lots of horrible moments, but it tends to sneak in and ruin the wonderful (or what should be) moments, also.

    Ditto sprogblogger’s sentiment above–it’s really nice to read about somebody “making it.” I don’t comment much here (at all?), but I read you all the time, and I’m really rooting for you.

    And all your feelings sound really normal.

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