At the Crossroads

Now that we know crisis to Bubble has been averted, I have another that’s been on my mind.

I’m having a bit of identity crisis – one that I suspect many infertiles find themselves having once they see the second line on the stick.

My whole world has been shaped by IF for more than 2 years (longer than some, not even close to as long as others). Now that there’s a Bubble in the oven, I have to admit, I feel a bit lost.

I feel a bit like a traitor to my infertile friends – I had the audacity to jump ship to the island of breeders. And I feel my easy-come-fertile pregnant friends just aren’t the same kind of pregnant.

They’re not worried about cramps that go bump in the night, or wondering when they can start to believe they’re really, really pregnant. They have some twinges – no big deal. They’re picturing a nursery, planning their mat leave.

And my infertile friends are looking at options, deciding what’s next, counting down days and counting up follicles. I completely get where they’re at. I just don’t quite know how to deal with where I’m at.

I am very aware that at any given moment I could be right back where I was before. But I’m pretty sure I’ll never be where the other pregsters are. So what does that make me?

Do all find-themselves-fertalized-infertiles feel so ambushed by these feelings  of having one foot in both camps- or am I just a big whiner?

I feel like a big whiner. Boo to me.

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9 Comments

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9 responses to “At the Crossroads

  1. I am kind of in the same boat. We’ll be in the same “ship” together. It’s weird to know that no matter what, you just don’t fit in with either group. HOWEVER, there is another group that you’re missing and it’s the exact group that you’re in. I am sure we’re not the only ones who have felt that way and I am sure we definitely won’t be the last. There has to be MANY other women out there that are wondering what group they belong in, too. You just have to find them.

  2. CeCe Garrett

    I have never fit in either group. I have two living kids, had an extremely late loss, and am secondary infertile. I start micro lupron in about 3 weeks for our first and only IVF (unless we win the lotto) . I think any time you’ve had a loss or fought tooth and nail to get pregnant, your pregnancy can’t be like the ignorance is bliss people. Just keep in mind.. in heart actually.. that those who have followed you will continue to pray for you, think positive thoughts, send happy vibes etc etc. Only difference is now we are praying for you and your bubble.

  3. Kymberli

    Yup — what you’re feeling is a normal part of the process and it’s one that lingers long after baby is born. Even years later, sometimes I still feel conflicted about posting about my kids on my blog. As you continue to go through this shift, you might lose some readers but you’ll gain many others. Even those who can’t read anymore are still wishing you the best and hoping only good things for you.

  4. The truth is, no matter how much your easy-come-fertile friends now think you are part of the club, you never will be. IF stays with us and changes the way we see life. I too experienced the same feelings and still to this day at 24 weeks. I’ll never see myself as a true pregnant woman. I walk around the office wondering if people think I’m a fake. It’s really not a bad thing, its just that our journey is different.

  5. brown-eyed-girl

    Don’t feel bad for the way you feel. At 26 weeks I still feel like the least pregnant woman in the world because of what I’ve been through. I think it’s survivor’s guilt because we’re lucky enough to be pregnant, even though so many of our IF friends are not. Experiencing IF and Loss changes us in so many ways. Even now that we are pregnant, we can’t leave the IF/loss fears behind us. We’re in a different group all together. We’ll never forget where we came from and how hard we worked to get where we are, and we’ll never be as happy and free as those who have been lucky enough to have avoided all our pain.

  6. Shannon

    Yep, it’s suck-o-rama at this stage. You don’t want to run the risk of ‘offending’ your friends who are still cycling by talking to them about, well, anything, but you don’t want to ignore them either in an effort to protect them and inadvertently come off as the smug pregger. It’s a very hard line to walk, this I know from my all too short time on ‘the other side’.

    My advice? If in doubt – ask. Ask how that cycling friend is doing, ask how much or how little they want to know about how you’re doing. And remind yourself what it felt like when the situations were reversed.

    Hang in there!

  7. Hi! I am here from ICLW and I just wanted to say CONGRATS!!! If it makes you feel any better about your situation, you being preggers give me Hope and Faith. It is telling me to not give up. I hope that you don’t stop writing or go away because like the prev comment said, you may lose some readers but gain more! :0)

  8. I’ve read several similar posts to this.

    There is a ‘survivors’ guilt that lots of pregnant infertiles (if that isn’t a contradiction in terms) experience. But this blog is an excellent place to explore how you are feeling and, no doubt get lots of support. You’ll work it out – though it might take you longer to dare to plan the nursery than the easily pregnant.

    Good luck with it, and enjoy it.

    ICLW

  9. I had an ectopic pregnancy and that was my only experience with the double line. I have never been in your situation but I can imagine that your feelings are similar to many. I know you are feeling all the what-ifs and it is hard to celebrate just yet. Take it day by day.

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