They stick to me. They stick to me not.

I’m doing all the things. Eating well. No caffeine. Said good bye to booze (sweet, sweet booze). Eating all the food groups. No bad chemicals. None of the things on the ‘no’ list from the clinic – working out, vacuuming, heavy lifting (unless you count my laptop). And I can’t help but feel – this isn’t really up to me.

Now I’m one of those people who gets what I want. And I generally want things I can have – to it all works well for me. And most things I want that are out of reach I can work for. If they’re too expensive I can save. If they’re too difficult I can be determined. If they take willpower I can muster it up – but dammit this is something I just can’t figure out how to have. I’ve done everything I can for this cycle.

And if it works or doesn’t – well, it doesn’t have much to do with me anymore.

And it’s ANNOYING.

If I had a list of things to do everyday – tasks to complete – hoops to jump through – dragons to slay. Well that I could do. But what we have here is a case of the ‘nothingyoucandoaboutits’

The days are limping by. It’s like it’ll never end. And the darkest secret of all is that I hope it doesn’t. If I can’t have what I want, then let me cling to this irritation of not being able to affect the outcome longer so I don’t have to face the truth. That sometimes we can do it all – swim to the ends of the earth and back. Climb a mountain. Dive deep into ourselves – and we still can’t have what we want.

Sometimes you end up with the wrong number of petals on the flower you’ve given. They stick to me.

They stick to me not.

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4 Comments

Filed under ivf

4 responses to “They stick to me. They stick to me not.

  1. sprogblogger

    Yes. A hundred times, yes. Here’s hoping they stick, because sometimes hope is all we can offer to the stupid process.

  2. Jo

    Oh, God, do I know how you feel! I am the type of person who has always worked hard, and I’ve achieved everything I’ve ever wanted.

    Except this.

    And THIS is the one thing I want more than all of that — and there is just so much you can do. As you said — there’s so much that is just out of our hands.

    And yes, it’s beyond annoying. Frustrating, irritating, awful.

    When will you know?

  3. I am right there with you. I am in the middle of my 2ww, as my beta isn’t until Thursday and I don’t even think my days are limping by, they’re army crawling with no arms and legs. UGH!

    This is HORRIBLE.

  4. So agree with this…I’ll have to comment on my blog about it.

    And I was on the cramp-bus with you this weekend…how annoying!

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