I’m doing all the things. Eating well. No caffeine. Said good bye to booze (sweet, sweet booze). Eating all the food groups. No bad chemicals. None of the things on the ‘no’ list from the clinic – working out, vacuuming, heavy lifting (unless you count my laptop). And I can’t help but feel – this isn’t really up to me.
Now I’m one of those people who gets what I want. And I generally want things I can have – to it all works well for me. And most things I want that are out of reach I can work for. If they’re too expensive I can save. If they’re too difficult I can be determined. If they take willpower I can muster it up – but dammit this is something I just can’t figure out how to have. I’ve done everything I can for this cycle.
And if it works or doesn’t – well, it doesn’t have much to do with me anymore.
And it’s ANNOYING.
If I had a list of things to do everyday – tasks to complete – hoops to jump through – dragons to slay. Well that I could do. But what we have here is a case of the ‘nothingyoucandoaboutits’
The days are limping by. It’s like it’ll never end. And the darkest secret of all is that I hope it doesn’t. If I can’t have what I want, then let me cling to this irritation of not being able to affect the outcome longer so I don’t have to face the truth. That sometimes we can do it all – swim to the ends of the earth and back. Climb a mountain. Dive deep into ourselves – and we still can’t have what we want.
Sometimes you end up with the wrong number of petals on the flower you’ve given. They stick to me.
They stick to me not.