Trying to make plans for the coming months is proving to be a difficult, teary undertaking.
I try, in my head, to call husband and I a family instead of couple. Hence the ‘family planning’. But I have to say that in my heart of hearts, we’re a couple. A pair. A twosome. And this family/twosome needs to look at life beyond the next injection/ultrasound/ER and make some plans.
We’re talking about Italy at the end of June to coincide with a conference for husband. But I can’t seem to pull the trigger on the tickets. What if we’re pregnant? Or not? Oh- what if we’re cancelled and then try again and then get pregnant but are in the first trimester. Or we do another and it doesn’t work.
We could go see family in March or we could not. I mean, you never know right?
And don’t even get me started about tryng to make plans for the nest week. Well, we’ll be there unless, you know, we’re not….
I made a new year’s resolution to no longer be defined by my infertility but it seems to be more the defining factor as opposed to less. I feel like one of those women who can only talk about Baby, except all I can seem to talk about is No-baby. Which I think, for the record, is kind of creeping people out.
I’m the scary no-baby-lady. And I have no vacation plans because my no-baby is getting in the way. And I can’t go out on Satuday because my no-baby doesn’t like me talking to anyone else. And just try finding a no-baby-sitter on short notice? No chance. I’m the only one who can take care of my no-baby, and let me tell you – no-baby is really really needy.
If I had known that having no-baby was going to be this emotionally draining I would have relaxed just like everyone keeps telling me. I would have had me some sex with my husband – maybe on a weekend out of town – to get away from it all. I would have stopped putting so much pressure on myself and just had an actual baby.
Seems no matter what people tell you, you’re never really prepared for no-baby. Your whole life changes and nothing is ever the same once no-baby comes along.