Something sad about friends you pay for…

So I was sitting at Sta.r.bu.cks this morning doing some work and a woman and her little girl came in and sat in my chair cluster. Now, I’m sure they have their moments – the little girl looked about 2. But from where I was sitting, they were buddies. They had private jokes. They had games and dance moves and they were having a grand old time. And despite usual urge to send angry at the universe eye daggers at them, they made me smile.

Until I came to the realization that I was only going to have a buddy like that once I had paid thousands, potentially tens of thousands of dollars. And an emotional price too high to name. Now maybe she did too. That I will never know. But I’m irked today that almost everyone I know paid for the bottle of wine, maybe the dinner. Heck – maybe there was lube. And that’s it. They didn’t pay the emotional toll…one ticket to the infertility rollercoaster – that’ll be 2 or more years of your life, part of your relationship with your husband, your relationship with all your pregnant friends, some of your self worth. Oh, and a big chunk of your sex life please.

I am not a fan of roller coasters. And I am not saying I care about the money more than I care about finally adding to our family. I am thrilled to have the opportunity to take this next step in our journey to become parents.

I’m just grieving having missed out on an experience that is just about happiness. Just about two people becoming three. Sure, once baby comes, most couples experience a bit of money trouble, relationship trouble, some loss of self for Mom, some loss of sex for both of them. But until the stork comes – it’s happy, happy, happy.

Not everybody has to pay for a ticket to happy. And I would like to be those people. Dammit.



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5 responses to “Something sad about friends you pay for…

  1. The Barreness

    Thanks for your welcome! I’m also so disappointed that I’m going to miss out on the excitement of ‘trying’- I really do feel that even if this is successful, I won’t be able to feel that joy because the whole process has been so stage managed. I worry that it won’t be our success, it will my my clinic’s.

    But regarding the cost? I’ve regretted at the time paying more than I had to for convenience, or to get rid of a little trouble, particularly when travelling. But I think that if a little money can make a problem go away, it’s well worth spending. I’ve seen my best friend and her son share the same bond secrets, learnings and smiles – and I know it will all be worth while once my child is here. I hope it will be the same for you.

    • onepinkline

      Barreness – after reading your comment I reread the post and realized I made it about the money – and you’re so right that it’s not the $$$ that bugs me. Do you ever have one of those hissy fits – the ones that start out at the core of an issue and end up with you ranting about bad weather or something else completely unrelated? I think I’m having a week long hissy fit about the world in general. How I hate things beyond my control. Thanks for the insightful comment. I really appreciate it.

  2. Shannon

    OPL – I totally agree with every.single.thing you wrote in that post. In fact, if I were to scan back through my own blog I’m sure I’d find a very similar entry along the way.

    For me, of course the cost will be worth it when things work – of course! But it still doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to be as pissed off as possible at the universe for having to shell out thousands upon thousands of dollars for, quite crassly, what any number of garden variety crack whores can accomplish for free. Not to put too fine a point on it.

    It may be the bitter side of infertile me that feels this way, but when I think of where else all that money could have gone – and there are a million different possibilities – I get quite outraged at the fact that so many others can do this whole baby thing for free.

    So yeah, all that to say – I feel ya, sistah. 🙂

  3. Sil

    2 1/2 years later, I still feel a little ache inside when someone starts saying, “I think we’ll start trying when he’s 1 because we’ve always wanted them 2 years apart,” Or “it happened on the first try this time” or whatever.

  4. It’s been good to find your blog. We plan to do our first shot at IVF this June and I’ve been feeling really funny about the money issue. Not in the same way as you in this blog about “paying for a friend”, but more about not wanting to accept help from our parents. I think my husband and I were both spoiled growing up to the extent that we took a few more years than most to really learn how to stand on our own two feet. I feel extremely stuborn about being about to “do this ourselves” financially. Maybe because we can’t “do it ourselves” medically. I just absolutely hate the idea of our parents paying for us to have a child. It was a long hard road to maturity and independence and I feel like becoming a parent is something that truly marks that transition into adulthood and as childish as this may be…I don’t want to be “cheated” out of it. It just seems like parents are not involved in the bedroom when normal people are making babies, so I don’t want them handing over any checks for the IVF process. My husband is wonderful and understands how I feel, but he suffers more from the financial insecurity than I do in regards to putting all of our savings into one round of IVF. I know I should feel so blessed and grateful that we have families that COULD help us and I am not giving up on trying to change my perspective and let go of this stuborn insistance, but…I guess I just needed to write this and put it out there. My family reads my blog (hind sight, maybe not the best idea to share it with them…harder to be uncensored). Whenever I’ve mentioned my feelings about this to my family they think I’m being silly and should feel differently. Sometimes…you really just can’t help how you feel. Thanks for your blog.

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