More than none does not mean much

So there is still a “line” but it’s still a tiltinacertainlightdefinitelymorethannothingbutnotmuchmore kind of line. It’s a tease of a line. And amazingly, peeing on 3 sticks in one day proves that this whole thing is a slow process. This morning was less than the 1pm stick. but the 1pm and the 8 pm don’t show a huge difference. If it’s not more like a line tomorrow I will begin to lose hope.
Let’s all believe with all our mites that is not the case…

Squinting

If you are, squinting, and I mean, really squinting, the line from this morning – did I mention the line from this morning? It’s still there. It was gone last night but it’s there today.
Today was a crazy stressful day at work. Which made me so crazy because I am trying to keep it really un-stressful so despite peeing fifty thousand times since I left (for good, but that’s not a story for the internet) I did a stick and there’s still a faint line. Please, please don’t let the events of today fuck this up for me.
Let the line be darker tomorrow.

First one down…

Pee stick that is. I wanted to test to see if the trigger is out of my system so yesterday before I went to bed I tore open the first of what is likely to be many slender white sticks.
The trigger is still there as there was a very faint line. I assume if (who are we kidding? When…)I test tonight there will be nothing but tumbleweeds blowing through that half of the peestickwindow.

Yep. Nothing to do during this wait but hang around wait until my bladder is full enough to try again.
Ok – we’re not quite to that point yet. But I can’t say for sure that we won’t be there come Friday night.

The days slink by. I’ll check in tomorrow with the latest findings.

Back to the world

I head out of the bubble and back to the world tomorrow. This wait is already making me kind of crazy and I really hope that crazy doesn’t spill out all over the office all week long. All I can think about is how long until I can PEE ON THE DAMNED STICK. Time moves so slowly some days and like the wind other days. IVF days are like 10 regular days.
That means there are 50 regular days or 5 IVF days till P-Day.

I hope I make it.

Cross the fingers on both hands

We transferred 2 perfect 8-cell embryos. And now we wait. again. Seems there is ten times more waiting this time.

We’re still in the game. Might be time to let a little in.

Still truckin’

So those 2 little guys are still truckin’ along. Quality seems to be good – though they don’t seem to have an official ‘grade’ this early. They’re noted to be 1-2 grade (one being the best). We’ll know tomorrow once we arrive for the transfer if they’re still viable.
If anybody reading has any insight on day 3 vs day 5 transfer, I’d be interested to hear it.
Otherwise, I’ll report back tomorrow.

Would you Rather

My hub and I had a brief discussion yesterday when I was still quite high. A “would you rather” type of talk about a day 3 transfer vs a day 5. Would you rather get the call from the lab that they didn’t make it to day 5 to transfer or transfer day 3 and get a BFN 2 weeks later? Would you rather get a BFP and lose the baby like we did with Olive or not have any to transfer? Would you rather get lots of eggs, go confidently into transfer and find there was no good quality to transfer or only have a few and spend everyday stressing till the transfer only to find you had one that was pretty good? Would you rather have sex and make a baby or have sex until you’ve ruined sex with all the expectations that aren’t being met, not get a baby, refinance your house, only have a few eggs, worry yourself sick etc? In that one, I’d take option A. The rest? Well, is there a right answer?

One of the 3 eggs retrieved yesterday did not fertilize so we’re working with a team of 2. Just 2. We’re heading into a day 3 transfer as there’s no point waiting to see if they survive till day 5 when we’d be putting both back at that point anyway. So if they survive the night and the night after that, we’ll be back to the clinic at 8 am Friday morning.

Chance and Fin and Pip minus one.

Does luck even matter at this point?

It’s not over yet…

I have an overwhelming sense of sadness with every step in this cycle knowing that once it’s done, it’s done. Bottom of the ninth, down by 2. Two out. Bases empty. The other team has last at bat. Pack up the clothes. List gear on crai$#ist. Clear away all the little baby things.

But today is not that day. We’re not out of the game yet. We retrieved 3 eggs today. Three. The RE gave us some positive examples. He’s not ready to call it a day. But he also said, when he came to check on me and found me sitting silently with tears streaming down my face, that we don’t know what we don’t know. It’s one day at a time. We just have to wait and see. And it only takes one.

It only takes one and we have three. Which is my favourite number. My hockey number. My lucky number. And 2 more than 1.
So it’s not over yet.

Three is not a crowd. But it will have to do.

Here we are again. At the brink. Just got the call saying we will trigger tonight. There are 3 eggs that look good and we’re not going to take any chances of losing those. We’re a day earlier than planned and 2 days earlier than previous cycles.
I’m having a really hard time mustering up any joy for the upcoming retrieval. And I don’t believe in my heart of hearts there will be a transfer.
I haven’t been here before. I’ve been nervous. Cautiously optimistic. Hopeful?
Now I feel like I’m just finishing something because I started it. Can’t leave a book half read or a bed half made.
I’m chest crushingly sad that things aren’t looking better and that I can’t seem to find the bright side.
I realize it only takes one. And three is 2 more than that.
I know it. I just don’t feel it.

From hope to here

I was pretty hopefully yesterday, but today’s results make me question why we try to do things that are extraordinary at all. It seems like the easy way out – to say “I guess it’s just not meant to be for instance” – would somehow save me from days like today. At least in the short term.
All that excitement about 11 resting follicles has been replaced with the sad reality that those little guys are not and likely won’t translate into a high number of mature follicles. In fact, as an expectation check, when the clinic called with today’s numbers we discussed the reality of 4 mature follicles on transfer day. Just 4. How many eggs will be tucked inside remains to be seen. 4 for 4? Not likely. So 3, 2, 1? Then will they fertilize? Will they survive? Implant?
I know it only takes one. I remind people it only takes one. But I’ve just now realized what it means to go from Hope to here. Here is where you come to terms with the idea that there may only be one egg in the basket. Where you realize that this is the last chance and it’s not looking that good. Here is where hope was before it moved on to somewhere else.
The end of the line is visible from here.
I’d never really seen it before.
But here it is.